(Closed) How did you and FI do guest list?

posted 4 years ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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namsayin : Do you have to have 200ppl? I ask because maybe instead of cutting some of his people to make more room for yours, you could cut his people and save money (or not, not sure what the situation is). You could say “We’d save X amount of money if we cut 15 people”, etc. Maybe that would be a motivator?

Post # 18
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

We made list of our family (immediate and aunts/uncles/close first cousins) and closest friends first! Then we added regular friends, friends from college, church members, and semi-close associates. All the while we kept in mind people who would ACTUALLY come and people who like to have fun/party! We made a big list first and now we’re in the process of moving people to B-List. We’re trying to keep it around 175 people.

Post # 19
Member
7972 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i asked my husband to give me a list.  he gave me a list of 300 people.  he claims i just said to give a list.  my mom paid for our wedding.  i only had 40 people to invite.  i felt 120 people was a fair number budget wise to tell my mom. so i told DH to ammend his list to 80 people.

this worked perfectly for us.  i did tell him to add 2 more cousins when they didn’t make the list of 80 and i overheard him talking to someone how important they were to him when he was a kid and they had recently moved back to our area.

Post # 20
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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namsayin :  So, he’s inviting FORTY PEOPLE that he’s not close to just because he feels an obligation?  (the frat brothers he’s not close to)  That’s 20 percent of your guest list.  That’s ridiculous.

Post # 21
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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namsayin :  We essentially wrote down everyone we wanted there. We counted. When it was more than we wanted we made cuts based on how close we are with them. We then asked parents for lists. We ended up cutting the majority of friends for a budget friendly, 160 person wedding with close family and very close friends. Our venue does allow up to 260, but we didnt want it that big.

Post # 22
Member
5360 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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namsayin :  For us- inviting everyone we wanted there was priority #1, so we booked our venue and chose catering and such based on what we could afford while still inviting 200+ people. 

Our guest list was almost exactly 2/3rd my guests and 1/3 his. He just has a smaller family and fewer close friends. I ended up being pretty brutal. I listed people I HAD TO have there. That meant ONE table of friends (my 4 closest friends plus their spouses/kids). My husband, on the other hand, invited more casual friends as well as his besties. My thought process was I have a million people I have to invite, he has far fewer must haves, so he gets to invite whoever he wants. That worked for us. 

My BFF had a smaller wedding (~60 people). They split the guest list in half but that meant she could invite former coworkers and he had to pick and choose between his aunts and uncles. To me that doesn’t seem fair. It doesn’t sound like you have to cut the list down- you just chose to be brutal with your side. If you can accomodate all his people plus your people- do it. You are marrying him and his people. He clearly has different ideas about who is important in his life than you do, but that is who he is. If it makes you feel better- be less brutal with your side. Insisting he cut out people he really wants there is likely not worth the effort. 

Post # 23
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

Ah, the guest list. The battleground of couples and families everywhere. 

There is no point doing an even split. Guest lists just don’t work like that. I actually really liked what another Bee proposed here and would go with the “if I won the lottery” method and whittle it down from there. It does not matter about the split but what is more important is who you really REALLY want to be there. If you said that due to your FI’s guests you were not able to invite a very close and dear friend/family member who you see all the time THEN I would say he is being unfair. If you are just wanting to add so and so to the list who you never see, for the sake of having an equal proportion of guests, then that is just useless. 

Weddings are meant to be personal and special In My Humble Opinion meaning not just anybody gets to share in your special day. Invite people who are supporters of your marriage, not just for the sake of filling numbers. 

 

 

Post # 24
Member
1923 posts
Buzzing bee

We both put who we really wanted/had to have. I have a large family so I have a lot more than he does. It would have never worked to split 50/50. He has like 25 family members, I have 100. 

Post # 25
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

I don’t understand why you are eliminating people you want there just so you can leave 60 people for your parents to invite?!

Both write down who you would like there, then show your respective parents the list and ask them if there is anyone they feel that you have missed or would like to add. 

Once you have all those numbers put all the lists on the table and have a good look it. You might be under the limit or you might need to make some cuts or you may pick another venue. You don’t know yet, so stop borrowing trouble. But it definitely doesn’t need to be a 50/50 split

Post # 26
Member
524 posts
Busy bee

namsayin :  your Fiance is out of control LOL Does he have any idea what this is going to cost? If he doesn’t, that may help him rein it in LOL. Are you getting financial help? from who? do you even want a wedding that big? 

Fiance and I knew we wouldn’t be able or even want the 300+ family affair that was possible (we both have big families) First started with immediate family, then added besties, then realized we seemed to get a break in price per person with catering from 75-100 people, so 100 people it is.

we split the list 50/50: I have more immediate and local family so my 50 we taken up pretty much by immediate family and besties (no co-workers). Fiance has small immediate family and most of his extended are not likely to come so he was able to spread his invites to more friends and co-workers. We are paying for the wedding ourselves, and honestly, we didn’t even ask our parents for a list. Thems the breaks!

Post # 27
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Our venue allowed only 50 people. We each got 24 people to invite. We made a B list when people rsvp’d no a month out. We still didn’t end up with 50 people. 

I ended up “giving” him a quarter of “my” 24. His immediate family is divided and I didn’t have friends to invite. 

Before we found our venue, we made a wishlist. From there, edited out the exes, the unsupportive friends, the distant cousins, the neighbors and the coworkers. 

Post # 28
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

We did things a bit differently because we only wanted close friends and family with us. 

We chose only house friends who we’d hung out with in the last year or at least speak to often if out of town. We invited all immediate family but both of us have small families and a lot of them are overseas and couldn’t come. The other criteria was people we thought would be friends in the future. 

Each set of parents could invite whoever they wanted, ended up with 16 of their friends around. 

All up we invited 70 people and 57 came. 

Didn’t split down the middle at all. Just invited who we wanted to. 

Post # 29
Member
2343 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

We listed all of the family that we wanted to invite, followed by friends (we were friends prior to dating, so we have the same group of friends – there are people I’m closer to and people he is closer to but the wider group is the same). Then we ran our lists by our parents to see if there was anyone we had missed or that they would like to add. I think in the end it was a third my family, a third DH’s family and a third our friends/colleagues – we invited 110 people. I was expecting there to be more on his side, as his family is larger than mine, but I also invited some of my step mum’s family which must have evened up the numbers a little.

I do think having a conversation with your Fiance is a good idea. If there are more guests that you would like to invite, I think you need to discuss adding them to the list. Then, either the number of guests your parents receive will need to be lowered or your Fiance will have to take some people off his list. 60 is quite a difference, I’m sure there are people in there who don’t really need to be invited (as you’ve already mentioned). Perhaps you guys could set a “rule” for how you determine who stays on the guestlist? Like if you haven’t seen this person in 12 months they’re off the list, or if you wouldn’t take them out to dinner just because they’re off the list.

Post # 30
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Decide how many people you want/can afford/can accomodate. He invites half; you invite half. Period.

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