(Closed) How did you approach your parents?

posted 9 years ago in Money
  • poll: How did you approach the subject of $$$ with your parents?
    My parents offered, didn't have to ask : (35 votes)
    41 %
    My parents helped out, but I had to ask : (9 votes)
    11 %
    We paid for the whole thing ourselves : (16 votes)
    19 %
    Parents paid for everything : (12 votes)
    14 %
    Parents helped with part : (13 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2767 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    if your mom and you aren’t talking then you probably don’t want to ask for help financially.  Besides, asking for help financially means your parents get say in the wedding too, which in my experience causes even bigger drifts between the parent/child relationship.  If I could do everything over I would have never accepted my parents money and we would have paid for everything ourselves.  Would have made planning soooo much easier.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2561 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    We actually didn’t discuss it with our parents at all. We felt like it was our responsibility to pay for our own wedding, and we are paying for it all on our own. My parents have offered to pay for a menu upgrade and we will happily let them do that because it will make them happy.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1022 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Hmm, I don’t know that I ever asked, it was more assumed.  Just wasn’t sure how much to expect.  They paid for my older sister’s wedding 10 years ago, so it was just assumed they would be paying for it.  Since we are broke recent college graduates we won’t be contributing much, if anything.  So our wedding is pretty much, just how ever much my parents were willing to spend on each thing. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    620 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @ Ms Mini– My Fiance and I felt the same way.  We didn’t feel right asking our parents for money.  My mom did offer to help out a little bit if she could for smaller things. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    948 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2010

    About 2 weeks after the big day I went to my parents and worked out a budget and they nearly fell over, but have come along for the ride.  This is the first wedding in our family, so they were blissfully unaware of all the details.  His parents offered to help out wherever we needed- the next day after the engagement.  Big differences with the two families in what they are expecting, but it is working out so far.  We basically have: his parents take Rehearsal Dinner and alcohol for the wedding; mine did food, cake, venue, and dress; and we are covering officiant, flowers, dj, and misc. expenses. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    1260 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    We are paying for the entire wedding ourselves, but my parents did contribute $300 towards my $600 dress. My parents don’t have a ton of money, and Fiance parents don’t either. We are fine with paying for it ourselves, and it was never a expectation that they would pay for it.  But sometimes I can’t help but be envious of other couples who have families who pay for the whole thing.

    Post # 10
    Member
    6572 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 2010

    i knew my parents would pay, they paid for my brothers. but i still didn’t have to ask, my dad came up to me one day and gave me a deal about how we could do the budget. i got lucky.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2397 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I just asked my parents how much they would be able to contribute.  I never actually asked for a set amount…. however they surprised me by offering a lot more than I had anticipated them contributing. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    392 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    We are paying for the whole thing ourselves.  We both graduated college and have good jobs and fully expected to pay for it.  His parents have offered to pay for the rehearsel dinner which was sweet and unexpected.  We have a $12,000 budget and a 2 year engagement to get there but it’ll be all so I’m exctied.  I know if someone else was paying I’d do what they wanted and not what I wanted so its good in that way.

    Post # 13
    Member
    290 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    It was always sort of understood that they were going to pay for it all, meaning they’d get a lot of veto power. They are older, very traditional, and I come from a very very large family (extended, not immediate– only two daughters here), and that’s just how it was always done. I’m very grateful for their generosity, and I’m sure to thank them for it every time a wedding related transaction occurs. Sure, there are times when the old man gripes about things, and I tell him “Ladders are pretty cheap! We can always elope if you want,” which I say not at all as a threat but as a joke, like, you say the word and we scale down!

    Post # 14
    Member
    244 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I’m also a poor graduate student and Fiance is a high school teacher at a public school.  We approached both sets of parents and asked them (1) what expectations if any they had about the wedding (i.e. did anyone want 300 guests?, be devastated if there was not live music?), (2) what if anything they felt that they could contribute.  We felt that we could pay for a very small wedding on our own but there was no way we could pay for a massive guest list.  I definitely did not demand money from anyone, I just let them know realistically what we could pay for on our own.  Once our famiies let us know what they wanted to contribute, I asked them if there was anything specific they wanted their money to go toward.  For example, my dad really wants to pay for good wine and FI’s mother really wanted beautiful flowers so I am putting their contributions towards those things while Fiance andI pick up other costs.  I think this has worked well and has resulted in a good collaboration between me and Fiance, my family and his family.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1561 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    this is something I am finding is totally different for everyone – and that is their relationship with their parents…for example – my parents and I have a very close relationship and when I need it my mom still gives me money “just because” (i know some don’t agree, but it’s how our relationship is…) whereas my husband’s parents TOTAL opposite and he’s been extremely financially independent since around the age of 17.

    I really don’t have an answer or advice…with my parents it was more “ok, what are you paying for?” not really asking them to help – just more a i knew they would no questions sort of thing…dh’s parents however – I know not to expect anything from them whatsoever – we won’t even ask.

    we are going to be paying for as much as we can and my parents are picking up the rest.

    that’s just us though.

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