(Closed) How did you approach your parents?

posted 12 years ago in Money
  • poll: How did you approach the subject of $$$ with your parents?

    My parents offered, didn't have to ask

    My parents helped out, but I had to ask

    We paid for the whole thing ourselves

    Parents paid for everything

    Parents helped with part

  • Post # 17
    Member
    10 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Soon after we got engaged, we asked the three sets of parents (my mom/stepdad, my dad/stepmom, and FI’s mom and dad) over for a wedding planning related dinner.  We were actually planning on paying for the wedding ourselves as we are both finished school and working.  They definetely were not having that, so together we worked out a budget and we split it 4 ways so that everyone is contributing the same amount, including Fiance and I.  It is completely different for everyone though, our parents were all pretty comfortable discussing money together because they have spent a lot of time together and are all good friends and we have been together a long time.  For some parents, this would be a very awkward situatuion.

    Post # 18
    Member
    958 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    My parents offered before we were even engaged.  We knew exactly what they would contribute.  Fiance asked his mom after if she wanted to help, and she said yes, that she would do $xx amount.  It was never a big deal, I guess.

    Post # 19
    Member
    343 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    We are both in graduate (law/med) school and so aren’t rolling in the money at the moment.  I set a $20,000 budget for us and I asked my parents to pitch in $5,000 and he asked his parents to pitch in $5,000, and the other half I am paying myself from my savings.  Neither family offered, we had to ask.  His family was more resistant than mine.

    I think it’s sexist for the bride’s family to pay for everything, and if my fiance’s family had expected them to do so, I would have sooner cancelled the wedding than given in.  I think the 25/25/50 split is rational and fair.  Because I’m paying for half of it, it forces me to internalize the costs and gives me a strong incentive to keep costs down.  But the fact that our families are both contributing the other half recognizes that perhaps I, as a law student, should not be on the hook for feeding our parents’ brothers and sisters.

    Post # 20
    Member
    3856 posts
    Honey bee

    I knew we need(ed) their help, so I went to them about it. The way I brought it up was simply to say, “You know J and I are talking about getting married, and traditionally it’s the Bride’s parents who help pay for the wedding. I know you probably can’t answer me right now, but I was wondering if you’d consider whether you can help us with this or not.” Then we changed the subject and a few weeks later they called back and said they’d talked to some friends of theirs and ‘figured out’ how much a wedding would cost in our area. (Their figure is about 1/3 of what most sites I’ve seen estimate for the average wedding cost in our community, haha.) That’s what they offered us.

    We of course very graciously accepted, and it’s been smooth sailing since then. My mom and I don’t always get along, so they kind of said they’re willing to help, but don’t want to be too involved (“It’s up to you to decide how to spend this. If you want to spend it all on flowers, that’s your choice.”), probably because they recognize the potential for drama. I really appreciated that too. 🙂

    Post # 21
    Member
    362 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    My guy and I are planning on paying for everything – if the parents at some point offer to help hey, great, but we’re not counting on it.

    Post # 22
    Member
    5280 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    i also won’t ask my parents for money. I am sure they’ll throw in a bit of cash because they helped with my step sister’s weddings.  We’ll see sometime in the next few years after M proposes I suppose…

    Post # 23
    Member
    81 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I never expected anyone to contribute, and still haven’t formally asked either. But, based on some off-handed comments from both my side and his, pretty sure both sets are willing and able to contribute at least a little. For example, before we were even engaged we were talking to his mom and made some comment about getting married and her response was “Well, not anytime soon I hope. Since I can’t afford a wedding right now” so, I was a little surprise she was willing to help out. My father, hasn’t said anything officially other then “You two (me and my sister) need to pick out a dress you’ll both wear so you can share” which I really really hope was just a joke.

    Post # 24
    Member
    8375 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    We didn’t discuss it with my parents beforehand–I felt like I shouldn’t really be asking them for money when they paid for my undergraduate degree. That was a big one! When we got engaged, mom asked us about plans, then they were like, “well if you get married in Jamaica, we’ll pay for all of us to go” (all of us meant immediate family only, but no attendants) and we were like “Um no….we want to get married in St Louis” (his gparents are too old to fly…) and they said, “okay, hope you have enough money….we think you’re wasting your money and being foolish having a big wedding”. So that’s how THAT went. My parents have plenty of money–they just don’t agree with the principal of a “large” marriage. They did pay for my $400 wedding dress and our $4,000 honeymoon, but that was all a last-minute “oh we want to pay for THAT” right when i was whipping out my credit card (to ensure I didn’t take advantage of their generosity beforehand me thinks), so I was pleasantly pleased with that. I guess they were more willing to pay for specific things *they* felt were important (ie a honeymoon) than just giving us some money.

    But, if you don’t have a strong relationship with your parents (particularly that you haven’t talked to your mom since APRIL. How is it with your dad?), what makes you think they’re going to even want to give you money? And what makes you think it’s okay to ask when you have a strained relationship? Personally, if I had a daughter than I hadn’t spoken with since April, ther’es no way i’d be all “oh sure honey, here’s $1,000!” beacuse I’d see it more like “oh she is using the wedding to come back to me and only wants money”

    Post # 25
    Member
    22 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2010

    I suppose it was more implied in our case.  My fiance and I both have siblings who are married and both my parents as well as his contributed to their weddings.  That said, we knew that they would also want to contribute to ours.  FI and I came up with a number that we were comfortable with contributing and then asked our parents to think about it and do the same.  That is how our budget materialized.  I would say that our split is similar to that of @chicagobride092010 with a 20/20/60 split.

    Post # 26
    Member
    3230 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    My mom and I talked about it years before so I knew that they weren’t going to be able to contribute much. So I actually have been saving for years for my wedding. Husbands parents straight up told him “the brides family pays for the wedding,” so we know that they didn’t want to contribute anything to the wedding.

    Husband did think that his parents were going to give us a cash gift towards our honeymoon, but I’m glad we didn’t budget for that supposed gift, because they got us these weird platters instead.

    Post # 27
    Member
    1261 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    My Mom brought it up. We planned to pay for the entire thing ourselves and were just working under that assumption. Then Mom told us she’d pay for $5,000 of it, to which we replied that no, she didn’t need to do that, to which she replied that she knew she didn’t have to but she wanted to, to which we replied that we didn’t want her to feel obligated, to which she replied it was her joy and we had to let her. It was sweet 🙂

    Post # 28
    Member
    1449 posts
    Bumble bee

    My parents offered to pay for it, so I didnt have to ask.  I did have to ask what my budget was to make sure I was ok to start planning but that was about it.  Good luck, I really hope this will bring you closer to your mom whether she is able to help with the wedding or not.

    Post # 29
    Member
    8941 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I didn’t have to ask my parents, they just offered.  My dad said that I could have whatever I wanted because he knew that I wasn’t a big spender and didn’t really want a lot of things.  I hope that you and your mom can work on imporving your relationship whether or not she pays for any of the wedding.

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