(Closed) How did you bring up “the talk” with your SO?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

honestly… i was way to terrified to bring it up! i just waited until something came into the conversation naturally, like we would be watching a wedding show, we went to a wedding, we hung out with his friends with newborns, etc. we just had little conversations here and there, which was fine for us because we were only dating for 11 months, so if we were having all of these heavy marraige convos it would probably be weird. the night that we got engaged, we had this huge heart to heart about all of our major issues- kids, money, etc.

Post # 4
47 posts
  • Wedding: December 2014

Personally – My SO and I have been together for 11 years (we started as highschool sweethearts) and over the course of time the future was always something that came up casually and then got more and more thoughtful over time. (We even have names for our non-existent kids), even so he didn’t seriously start thinking about marriage until I mentioned my ideal timeline for engagement, marriage, having kids a little over two years ago. According to my preferred timeline, engagement came a year after the conversation we had. He was still in the 20s mindset and got defensive like I was pressuring him into it too soon.

This made me dispair at the time, but I’ve come to realize it’s probably a pretty normal reaction. My SO had a sort of checklist of things that needed to happen before getting married. For him this included living on his own (versus living w/ roommates) and saving up enough cash to finance an ring and a wedding. Soon after, he rented an apartment on his own and started to have some serious conversations with me about saving money for a wedding, having conversations with parents, where we’d live once married, etc.

Logically, he knew he would marry me in the future and wanted to have a family with me, but that didn’t stop him from freaking out about it because he hadn’t thought of it as a tangible thing to consider in the near-term instead of something he’d like to do down the road.

Although this is just my personal experience – I advise you to have a serious conversation with your SO about his plans for the future and when he sees things happening at what time. Without any pressure, let him know what your wishes are but be prepared for him to get defensive and reinforce the fact that your just communicating your desires, but that living your life together as a family is something you want.

It could very well lead to a conversation that spurs frustration and tears but try to keep your cool as much as possible. Hear him out. Have him hear you out. If you can come to some sort of resolution at the end, great! But it might take him a while to come to grips with his feelings and realize OMG a life with you would be awesome! So give him the time to think about it and not mention weddings or engagement for a long while. (I inadvertently did this because I was so pissed at him, haha)

Hopefully, since your guy is more mature, it won’t be such a battle. Good luck!

Post # 5
114 posts
Blushing bee

i don’t think a girl should have to bring it up. but since he seems to be taking his sweet time, you should just bring it up kinda nonchalantly and matter-of-fact, NOT emotionally. then you can guage his reaction to have a better idea of where things are going! good luck!

Post # 6
2280 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m in a really similar situation to you. My guy is older and divorced, we’ve been dating for over a year, and he brings up marriage in ways similar to your guy. I’m lucky in that we were talking about marriage early on…but unlucky in that he finalized the divorced a few months before we met and it left him a financial mess to clean up.

All the advice I have is: carpe diem! If something about the future/timeline for kids/trips/etc. comes up, use it as a nice, natural way to bring up marriage. No worries. It may just be an older guy thing, haha. 🙂

Post # 7
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

This won’t be helpful, but the only reason it came up for us is when i got knocked up, lol.

Post # 8
1566 posts
Bumble bee

Fiance and I were comfortable bringing this up from the beginning – we didn’t have “the talk” at all. On the night he asked me out, we took a walk, and I asked him what he envisioned this relationship becoming. He said, “I want to take it one day at a time and see what happens.” I agreed. That weekend, we took a trip together (we were friends before dating and had the trip planned already). We very openly talked about everything – from how we would handle our conflicting religions if we got married to having kids/pets to what kind of furniture each of us liked for a hypothetical future house. I was never afraid to bring anything up – I just said what was on my mind and so did he. In fact, that’s how I knew he was the one – we could talk about anything easily. 

I personally think that a couple that can’t discuss all serious issues openly and comfortably is probably not ready to get married. So I might focus on getting to know him better and getting more comfortable in your relationship until you get to the point where you’re not afraid to bring up the future.

Post # 9
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Like, GirlwithaRing, my Fiance and I have just had open communication from the very beginning.  Our talks did begin a little bit like with a general “future” off in the distance, but by 6 months we were already talking about specifics.  I think it’s important to have an open relationship where both partners are comfortable to talk about everything.  Personally I think that if a couple can’t talk about anything with each other, they may not be ready to take such a big step. 

Post # 10
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think you should just lay it on the table. I used our friends who were getting engaged as a segue, but I wish I had had the cajones to have just laid it out on the table long before that. I think the next time he makes a comment or a joke, you can feel free to stop him and say, “So about growing old together, when do you think might be a good time for us to start thinking about getting married?” Plain and simple.

Good luck!

Post # 11
1106 posts
Bumble bee

I totally agree with Jaxx!

Post # 13
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

We had a “talk” after a few months, but it was a fleeting “when we get married I want to wear a tux like in Dumb and Dumber” kinda thing. The REAL talk that actually counted didn’t come until much later but I feel that first talk was my gateway to bring up marriage but I was too naive and really not thinking of marriage myself and also was a way for him to get me to agree to an ugly pastel tux.

Post # 15
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@GirlWithARing — what religions are you and your fiance a part of?  I’m part of an interfaith couple, so I’m really interested to hear how other interfaith couples handle those aspects of their relationship and life decisions.

@RenoRose — I agree with the other women – just tell him what you’re thinking.  Most guys can’t handle a freak-out, but most (quality) guys, after a year of dating, should be able to handle a calm “this is where I’m at, where do you see this going?” talk. 

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