(Closed) How did you combine households?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Um…he is being completely unreasonable. Your place is just fine!

Post # 5
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@mspartridge:  That makes no sense to me, maybe he feels like he is losing his “manhood” by moving into your place? If that is the case, that is silly. Your place sounds like a dream.

Post # 7
Member
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

He’s just going to have to get over that.

Guys can get weird ideas about these things – some of the stupid guy-wisdom out there says that guys who move into the girl’s place are giving up their power, or something. That they’ll never feel like they belong there, it’ll always be “hers”, etc. And I’ve dated guys who didn’t like staying over at my (much nicer) place, but instead always wanted me to come over to their (nasty, smelly) place. It’s a turf thing. And has to be gotten over, because getting a whole new place together doesn’t solve it.

Post # 8
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Can you offer to set up a “room” for him within one of the big rooms using dividers, etc? And tell him that you’re more than happy to integrate his furniture, etc? Maybe that will help him feel less like he’ll be a guest in your place.

Post # 9
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

How about some pictures? 3200 sounds like a lot of space… maybe you can curtain off a section for him?

Post # 12
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Is there another unit in your building that you could move into? That way you still have all those nice features, but it won’t be like he is moving into your place, it will be a new apt for both of you and maybe easier to meld your stuff together. Is there maybe a apt that isn’t loft style that would work better?

Post # 14
Member
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@mspartridge:  A bit of advice, then: Don’t tell him how it would work. Ask his advice on how it could work. How his things fit in your life needs to be his vision – not something he agrees to.

I had been living in my house – which I own – for 3 years before Fiance began moving in last year. And knowing my own tendency towards “my stuff, my space,” I was afraid I’d keep calling it “my house” or get territorial over where things went. When we’d decided he’d move in but hadn’t started the process yet, I deliberately started asking for his help on how to better arrange things. He rearranged the kitchen cabinets (which really did need it), and then started seeing places his stuff could go. I asked for his help cleaning out bathroom cabinet drawers, and, strangely, we discovered that an entire drawer could be emptied (where his stuff could go).

Right now, he can’t see his stuff in your place, and so it’s YOUR place, where he’d be squeezing in. Show him, as concretely as you can, that he belongs there, by letting him take control of the space.

And get ready to take a deep breath and smile when he announces some “improvement” that you absolutely hate! Let there be room for everything, including stuff you loathe, because it’s more important that he feel like it’s welcome there than that the house be a showstopper. I sucked it up and let the lacrosse equipment that he’s never used since high school sit in a corner of the beautifully decorated living room, until he eventually decided that it didn’t need to be there anymore – and then it went to the basement. It works itself out over time.

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Given that his point doesn’t make logical sense, I would dig a little deeper to see why he is so adamant about it.

There is something going on here we don’t know.

Post # 16
Member
14444 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Americano:  Agreed.

That’s just rediculous… the excuse that theres no room for him is dumb.  3200 sf is HUGE.  Our house is 3200 sf and we don’t even use half of it.  To make you move out and pay more or move in to a crappier place is just stupid.. i’d be ringing his neck if I were you.  Props to you for keeping calm.  It’s about compromise right??  What you fi you are agreeing to look at places, which it sounds like you are, but if you cant find anythign you are willing to move out into, then you dont.  Simple as that.. .he can find something himself or go crash on a friends couch.  It’s not like you’re unwilling to move out, it just doesnt make sense!

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