(Closed) How did you combine households?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 48
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Fiance doesn’t like my house. It’s old (he used to new, modern spaces), parking’s tough, and the bedroom is HVAC doesn’t work great- cold in the winter/hot in summer. He doesn’t want to move in here- we’d talked a year before he proposed about the possibility of living somewhere else. (Losing my job right before he proposed put a stop to those talks)

This isn’t our forever home. Depending on what happens in the next year or two (if we have a family, etc.), our living situation could change. So we’re making it work. One thing that helped was going room by room- “What do you like/dislike in here? Do you want to paint? What pictures do you want to hang here? How much space do you need in the bookcase/ cabinets/etc.”

I agree with Cabbagefairy -“Relationships shouldn’t be about being right or proving a point, it should be about working together and coming up with a solution that works well for you both.” I don’t see any reason why living in your loft until you find a house, can’t work.

Post # 49
9478 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

Then let him try to find someone to crash with and see how he likes it.  Apparently he thinks other people have “space” for him.  

Anyways, Fiance and I live in a 720 sq ft apartment and there’s PLENTY of space for the two of us. We compromised on a lot of things because we’re a couple and this is now our life.  He’s being completely unreasonable.

Post # 50
3456 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

When I moved in with my now husband, what made it work was that he understood that it had been set up by him, the decor was all him, the actual apartment (the layout his preference) was his, etc. so he had to bend over **more** than 50% to make it work for me.  When I got upset/sad one day because the walls were all his stuff, that afternoon he put up several of my things on the wall.  We still had hiccups – he got frustrated I moved some of his things (I wasn’t working full-time and did 100% of the stuff integration), but we worked it out.  Do I wish it wasn’t such a hassle to repaint the bedroom to a better color?  Yes, but I’m sucking it up.

In this case, while I love the sound of your apartment, I don’t think you can convert someone into a loft lover. Maybe start trying to do what you talked about and see what he thinks.  Buy a screen (keep the receipt) and set up a corner of the room and ask him about it.

Ultimately, I get you are unhappy at having to move, but understand he’s not doing it to punish you.  You need to get on the same page with each other over small agreements, which can lead to bigger agreements.  For example, perhaps trying for the agreement that if he finds a place that meets your needs (it needn’t be “better” than your current place…it’s only one year after all), then you will move.  Set out: must have dishwasher, disposal, microwave, be below X rent, in Y part of town, with a minimum of Z space.  Perhaps you can look into renting a house instead of an apartment.  I know you don’t want to, but consider looking to show him you are committed to the two of you.  If you do that, and he still thinks you aren’t meeting him halfway, propose a counselor.

In the end, it’s not the worst thing to live apart your first year of marriage.  It is, however, pretty bad if the reason is that you can’t agree.

Post # 51
15514 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@mspartridge:   I just need to compromise too, to make him happy.

It sounds like you ARE and he’s just being REDICULOUS!!!  You’ve presented a situation to his complaints and he’s just being stubborn!  Close the shutter to keep the heat in, then its too dark – solution, ok open the shutters and turn up the heat??  That sounds like a compromise and fix for the cold.  Move your stuff, rearrange, get room dividers.. soudns like a compromise and a solution for this man space issue.  If he can put up with ‘crappy bachelor’ apartments that suck, are small and dirty.. which sounds like he can live just about anywhere, like a friends couch, I dont understand why he cant ‘put up’ with living in an apartment you love FOR YOU because he loves you and wants you to be happy too!!  The stubborness thing just cause he said it and he wants to follow through is rediculous if it doesnt make sense!!  I mean, so if you guys are in some stupid arguement and he just throws something dumb out there that makes no sense in the heat of the moment, like I dont know, going to a parents very important 50th aniversary party and he says ‘fine i just wont go cause I dont have anything to wear’, does that mean he will follow through no matter how dumb it sounds? 

I guess he figures that if he has to suffer the moving, then I should too.

How about some love, and causing less “suffer” than necessary for the two of you as a couple.  Fairness in a relationship doesnt always mean equal suffering.

Post # 52
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

What troubles me about his response is the lack of trust. Him saying you haven’t been trying hard enough is a bit of a kick in the teeth. But honestly doematter which position is more logical or makes more “sense”. He thinks your place is cold. You think it’s airy. Either way, it’s subjective. You both need to have a calm conversation and maybe draw up a list of priorities.

Post # 53
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Since you’ve said you’re committed to this relationship, I think you should “downgrade” and move into a new rental place with him. This comes with a huge “HOWEVER” though.

HOWEVER, you need to sit him down and tell him how unfair and unhealthy his stubborn attitude is. That you are NOT just “giving in”. His “it could work, but when I say something, I mean it” attitude has got to go. If my husband had taken that attitude before we got married I would not have committed my life to him until he understood that is something he’s got to work on changing. I don’t like saying that, but being stubborn for stubborn’s sake is such a huge unhealthy drain on relationships. If he’s “sticking to his guns” over something this silly (and I do think his reasons are foolish – he should just move into your amazing apartment already!), imagine the stress of future life decisions.

This is especially important in light of his ideas for buying a house. Buying a house is a huge deal – I was more stressed about buying a house than I am about being pregnant! You cannot let him feel like if he’s stubborn long enough, he’ll get his way and you’ll cave. I think moving out of your apartment now isn’t so horrible as long as you get what you really want when you buy your home. I can’t even imagine being stuck owning a property that didn’t include my must-haves (dishwasher, 2 bathrooms, etc)!

Post # 54
344 posts
Helper bee

I have a friend who married a man similar to this and it was AWFUL for her…..once they had children, he dictated everything from what they would be named, to where they went to school, what they watched on TV etc etc etc….she had NO say.

She finally divorced him after 20 years.

If you plan to have children, this marriage could be VERY difficult, being parents is all about compromise on a DAILY basis.

Post # 56
15514 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

That’s a great update!  Regardless of if you found a house to buy anyways, I’m glad you guys were able to sit down and really talk things over about the apartment issue.  Good luck on the possible house purchase!

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