(Closed) How did you compromise on an officiant?

posted 6 years ago in Interfaith
Post # 3
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well Im practicing Catholic and Fiance is baptist (and a preacher’s kid!) so we are have a co officiant celebration. I would see if you can do the same. It would have to be in the church. That said has he looked into what it involves to get married by a priest? typically you need to meet with them a few times, complete InFocus testing, Go to Engaged Encounter or Pre Cana (or in some cases both) and in some cases attend NFP classes. He promises to raise any kids Catholic and you state you will support him in this. You also state you will use NFP only. For some non practicing that just want to please their parents you will find that this isnt a work load they want to take on. Also most priests want to see you in the church awhile before they marry you or if his parents are practicing perhaps you can go there but you will find that most churches give parishoners first dibs. I might suggest a christian preacher (there will still be steps) and a non religious officiant so that the wedding can be less religious. You will have to find a middle ground on this

Post # 5
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

We decided on a Justice of the Peace who allowd us to fully customize our ceremony to include whatever we wanted – so we wrote our entire ceremony ourselves, and put in various traditions that incorporate each of our faiths.  Would your Fiance be open to that instead?  I think you’ll be hard pressed to find a religious officiant to do a non-religious ceremony.

@S.Elizabeth.G:  

Post # 6
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You said that your fiancé is non practicing catholic, but is he still religious? I guess what I mean is, does he still believe in God and wants a pastor or priest for spiritual reasons or is it just for his family?

If its spiritual, I would say you may want to go with his wishes. It will mean a lot to him if its based on his spiritual beliefs. You could probably find a Protestant pastor who would meet you just once and perform the ceremony, rather than having to go through the full process you’d need to do at a Catholic Church. Although I’m not sure I can imagined an ordained pastor choosing to perform a service without talking about God.

if neither of you are religious at all, I’m not sure how you find that compromise. I guess you would have to know why it means so much to him. If its just to please the family, I’d say just leave it up to them! If you’re agnostic, it may be a little uncomfortable for you, but it just simply won’t mean anything to you spiritually. For people who who do believe in God and have strong religious views, it will probably mean a whole lot to them.

Post # 8
Member
397 posts
Helper bee

Fiance is Lutheran and I’m an agnostic also, and he wants a church wedding at his Lutheran church.   I didn’t even try to argue with him on this one.   I chose to pick my battles for the wedding and this isn’t one I’m worried about fighting. 

There is one place we might have the ceremony at the University I will be starting in the fall and if we end up there we will have a Lutheran minister (pastor) but still not worth a huge discussion about it and possible fight!

Post # 10
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@S.Elizabeth.G:  we are exactly the same – him catholic, me agnostic. the compromise we have is not having a church wedding and doing it outdoors (though we are having a short ceremony to officially sign things inside a small chapel prior to the main ceremony, complicated as it’s in france), but having a priest to officiate. also, the priest marrying us is extremely liberal, and is more than happy to accomodate my wishes for the cderemony (adding a non religious poem reading, paring down the religious readings, reading our own vows, etc.) which has made us both happy.

Post # 12
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@S.Elizabeth.G:  well that’s the thing, i think he is siightly bending the rules, by having us do a very brief, bare bones ceremony inside a chapel so it can be acknowledged by the church, but what we consider the main ceremony (where all our guests will be present) will be just a couple of hours later in the gardens of our venue. he is honestly unusually open minded (especially for a French priest as they are usually very strict), my fiance knew him from when he confirmed him years ago.

the two ceremonies thing is worth it to us, and since we’re a bit complicated anyway (marrying legally in the UK just before the wedding) we don’t mind. 

it is a tricky thing to manage, i felt very strongly about not wanting to do a full church ceremony so that was one thing i stood my ground on. i really hope you find a good solution because it is definitely important to feel it represents your true selves!

Post # 13
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@S.Elizabeth.G:  I think that sounds like a good compromise and the Unitarian church sounds like it could be a good option for you. And hopefully you will have a chance to see what the minister you chose is like and see if you’re comfortable with him or her. One of the toughest things for me as a Christian of my generation to see, is some of my parents generation saying or doing things to make people in your situation feel uncomfortable. I really believe that the right pastor will be understanding and accepting of you and be able to work with you, without having to compromise their beliefs or your fiances.

I’m also having a hard time finding an officiant. My fiancé and I are both Christan and were also pretty liberal. I don’t necessarily agree with the views of my parents church and the pastor I grew up with moved away. We do want a religious ceremony, but want something that everyone there will be comfortable with, no matter what their beliefs are. It’s tough finding the right person and were getting down to the wire!

I hope you can find someone that will make you both excited about the ceremony!

Post # 14
Member
397 posts
Helper bee

@S.Elizabeth.G:  I completely agree with you.   I still have a hard time discussing religion with him, whether it is about the wedding or not. 

The one thing I’ve asked him to do so far is to talk to the pastor and ask him how we go about doing this if we get married in the church.  For me I would feel like a fake or a hypocrite if the only way we could get married there is if I were to have to get baptized. 

Hopefully it will all work out for both of us!

Post # 15
Member
3194 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We are Jewish and non-denominational Christian. We’re having a friend do our ceremony and keeping it non-religious so no one feels slighted or like one religion was more represented than another. 

Post # 16
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Our officiant was through the United Church of Christ, and he was SUPER liberal.  It was awesome.  He did include some talk of God, and the only scripture he read was one that Darling Husband chose.  It was more important for Darling Husband to have it than it was for me to not, so I didn’t care that it was included.

There was a prayer, and while it felt weird, I just abstained during the ceremony, as did Darling Husband.  Though he believes and prays himself, it felt weird to both of us if he did it and i didn’t, so he abstained as well.

The topic ‘How did you compromise on an officiant?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors