How did you decide whether or not to have kids?

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

sboom :  what is CFBC?

Post # 17
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

Sansa85 :  And on the flip side, there are studies that have shown Mirena can last for up to 7 years (I think it was tested on women in their 30s though). 

 

As to OP, I guess I’ve pretty much always wanted kids and have never imagined a time without them. I love the idea of supporting your child and exposing them to tons of different learning opportunities so they can hopefully make somewhere just a little bit better. Also, as a woman, we’re more likely to live past our spouse, and it’s a little scary to imagine not really having any social support (unless you’re close to your siblings and they decide to have kids). Aging-in-place can be harder if you don’t have a family member that can support you. 

Keep in mind if you decide to have kids and are worried about supporting an adult with a developmental disability when you age, your risk of having a child with a genetic abnormality tends to increase when you and your husband get older. Plus there are the fertility risks, so you should probably decide that in the next few years either way. 

That being said, if it’s not for you, you’ll save so much money. Also, there are studies showing that marital satisfaction drops a bit when you have kids. It’s certainly stressful. There’s no right or wrong answer to all of this!

Post # 18
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I’m 28, my fiance is 28, we are married next year. I’m similar as in, I’ve never really had a desire to have children. I don’t look at children and families and feel the urge to or excitment for. I honestly joke about how I’d give up children for a continous stream of puppies. We have a dog who we both adore and honestly that would be enough.

My fiance and I have lived in 3 different continents, we travel for work, we like how we can just pick up and go and we have such a great time together I can’t really imagine throwin a kid in the mix.

THEN I think about carrying my fiance’s child, I think of him as a father (he DOES want kids and he’s so GOOD with them,) I think of the love and joy a child will bring to our families etc and I think I do want to be a mother eventually but NOT any time soon.

I think there is so much pressure on woman to a) have children and b) have them asap. There’s so many options out there that honestly if you feel this way right now, get your IUD replaced and continue on with life. You still have plenty of time. 

Post # 19
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

janne91 :  Childfree by Choice

Post # 20
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

sboom :  thank you 😂 Im not great with figuring these out on boards. 

Post # 21
Member
9809 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

 I’ve never been on the fence, I’ve always had a deep desire to be a mother. My husband has also always wanted kids but probably not as deeply as I felt it. Once we had accomplished the other big life events we had our daughter.  

I absolutely love being a mom. I would rather be with my daughter than anything else in the whole world, even on her worst days. People told me how tired I would be, how hard it is, all the cliches. Honestly, I don’t ever feel that way through. Maybe i’m just weird but even if she’s sick or won’t sleep or throwing a tantrum none of that bothers me or takes away from motherhood. There isn’t a whole lot in life I feel like I’m good at but I know I’m an excellent mother and I feel like being a mother has brought out a lot of good qualities in myself. 

Now, I don’t tell you this to sway you into having children. This is purely my own experience and feelings so please don’t take this as trying to tell you motherhood is great. For my husband, he hasn’t taken to it as easily as I have. He misses parts of our old life, he hates watching our daughter be sick and not be able to fix her right away, he deeply feels the sleeplessness (all though, his idea of sleeplessness is not getting to sleep in until 10am anymore). He deeply loves our daughter but he could easily be one and done and not bat an eye over it where I’ve realized I would ideally love to have approximately 80 children.

I think it’s all a crapshoot of how you’ll feel after the baby comes. Your post to me seems like you’re leaning more towards not really wanting kids but maybe you feel like it’s expected of you. If you don’t want kids you shouldn’t have them just because it’s what is expected. You can live such a happy full life just your husband and yourself without the addition of a child as many of the CFBC bee’s here do. Ultimately, only you can make the decision but don’t let what other people think about it (family, friends, the bee) sway you into something that you don’t truly yearn for. 

Post # 22
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

slomotion :  Now this is a well-balanced response. And I totally agree with you on not letting anyone else sway the decision.

IMO, it is far more responsible to err on the side of not having them if you’re unsure than the other way around. The negative impact of regretting not having kids is much more contained and less severe than the negative impact of regretting having them.

Post # 23
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I never had the maternal instinct or felt a biological clock ticking, but at 27 hubby and I decided that we didn’t want it to be just us 2 later in life. We’re both only children and only have our parents as immediate family. Also, I felt that being a mom was a part of life I wanted to experience. I did not want that regret later, or to feel I was too scared to take a chance and have kids. It is a big risk. We thought we’d be one and done. Had my son at 28, but my husband is such a hands on dad. He literally does everything and more, as much, if not more patient than me. That influenced my decision to have a second. We felt we did not want our son to be an only child. Now 38 weeks pregnant with #2 and 100% sure 2 is the most we can handle. Having a toddler while pregnant has been challenging to say that least but every phase passes. We try to look at the big picture. When friends aren’t sure if they want kids my advice usually is: what kind of support system do you have at home? Is your husband going to equally parent and not put all the work on mom? Also, any help from grandparents is huge, as well as long term do you see your immediate family as just you and your husband or do you want to share activities and vacations with kids.

Post # 24
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

loveisbrewing :  

It sounds like you don’t want children but social pressure is making you second guess yourself. 

I can also relate to romanticizing motherhood and erroneously considering only the joys of parenting and not the less palatable realities. 

I’m very glad that I ultimately decided to stay childfree. Our lives would have been a disaster if we had a child just because hormones and social pressure were causing me to doubt myself. 

Post # 25
Member
430 posts
Helper bee

loveisbrewing :  From what you’ve said, it sounds like you don’t want kids. That’s a perfectly valid choice; I think you’re just second guessing yourself because of societal expectations. Don’t listen to other people trying to tell you what you should want. The only thing you have to pay attention to is how you feel about it. That makes it easy to know what you want.

Post # 26
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

Just an observation… I always notice a lot of people on the fence are very caught up in the “what if”. And it’s always the potential negatives of having children. What if you end up having a child and it’s the absolute greatest joy in your life? I guess I’m just here to say that the what if’s include many positives as well! I should disclose that im currently not a mom but I have many of the same fears but also am willing to risk it because to me  the what if’s that are positives outweigh the negative what if’s. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being childfree. I think it’s healthy that you are in a relationship that you can be open and continuously talk about it! 

Post # 27
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Mount Princeton hot springs

I’m about your age and I’ve never felt like having children was for me. I was never adamantly against it, I just didn’t really want to. I always said if if I fell in love with someone who needed children and wanted to do a huge part of the raising them (equal responsibilities) then I would be okay with sharing a child with them, but I lucked out and married a man with a vasectomy that neither of us care to reverse. Like you, I like the way our life is now and wouldn’t want to change it. It seems like you guys talk openly but if you’re at a point where you want to make a solid decision together about kids or no kids, I’d bring that up specifically. I can’t tell you how great it is to never have to wonder what I’d do if I became pregnant because I know that’s not in our future. 

Post # 28
Member
659 posts
Busy bee

I have never wanted children. It’s just something I’ve always known about myself. It’s funny because my 2nd job for a while was child care at a gym. I’m great with kids and have no problem thinking some are cute but still no go for me.

I dated someone with kids – the 1st was a year and the 2nd was a newborn. We had them every weekend for either Fri-Mon or Sun-Mon. That experience just validated my feelings even more about being child free.

After he and I split, I made it a point to make it clear in my dating life and profile that kids is not something I want and wouldn’t date anyone with kids again. I’m 7 months in with my SO, talking marriage and living together soon and he is child free and doesn’t want them either and it is amazing.

Regardless of your choice and what others think, it is your and your husband’s lives and you need to make the decision that is right for you. Only you two can truly know what you really want and what will make you happy.

Post # 30
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

monkey89 :  lol thanks sboom  replied few hours ago 😉 

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