(Closed) How did you decide whose career was more important?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
745 posts
Busy bee

I don’t necessarily think my career is more important than my FI’s.  However, about a year ago, I got a great job opportunity in a different state and we made the decision together to relocate cross country.  It did take several months for him to find a new job, but I did not mind.  

Part of our decision to take this move was also so we could be closer to family, we had no family out East.  That was important since we will be starting a family in the near future.

It’s just going to be something that you all weigh together.  But I don’t think you should take the attitude that one career is necessarily more important than the other.

Post # 3
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m coming from a married point of view but we’re talking about moving out of our home state due to my husband’s job. This is how we arrived at this point…he has experience and credentials in a job field that people aren’t willing to work in, so the wages for his job are the same in CA (where we live now) as they are in low cost of living states. My wages for my work go down in every single state because the demand isn’t there (marketing). We’re looking at finding him a job first and in a place we like due to this. 

I was very career driven before we got married and in the first couple years of our marriage. My job dictated where we put our roots in CA but now that we have a daughter, I’m not nearly as career driven at all and we want to move somewhere that is slower and lower cost of living so we can buy a home and live comfortably. The way we are doing things isn’t for everyone but I will tell you right now, if you plan to have children, living somewhere that isn’t as expensive will be such a relief because if your feelings change on how much you want to work or anything, it’s better than living in a high COL area/state. 

Post # 4
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Vineyard on Long Island

Fi is a teacher and I’m an engineer.  Both of our jobs are highly transferrable, as in we could both likely find jobs pretty much anywhere, but I got an offer and good placement at a company with ultra job security and near a location that Fiance could see us settling down in a few years.  So he got a teaching job here.  I could have easily applied for other engineering jobs in the city where he was working, but in the long term, we knew the city was “for the young folk” and that we saw ourselves more suburban in the next 5-10 years.  Plus the area where we moved has a much lower cost of living than Boston.  It doesn’t necessarily mean one person’s career outweighs the other – there always has to be some compromise.

ETA: after reading the end portion of your post again, if your careers don’t exist in the same area, then one of you may have to consider whether your degree or skills is transferrable to another career, or a different focus within the same career.  For example, some of my friends went into petrol engineering out of college and were working in southwest US, but have since relocated to the coasts for their relationships or to move closer to family.  They still work in engineering, but obviously not petrol since theres no industry for that here.

Post # 5
702 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

For us, we’re both happy in the city we live in, surrounded by family. It’s unlikely either of us will want to move for a job, so for us it will be childcare.

When the time comes, we’ll be looking at who is getting paid more, who will have a harder time in replacing their current role following a career break, and who actually wants to stay home with the kids. My career is something of a patchwork, whereas my fi is on more of a  career path, which will play into the decision a lot more – I’m happy to change industry/role and have a varied CV to make sure I’d take less of a ‘hit’ to my salary, whereas my fi would be starting from the bottom if there wasn’t a vacant role in his field.

For my parents, my dad works on the other side of the country (admittedly, England is relatively tiny!). He goes away on a Sunday night/Monday morning, and returns home on Thursday evening having worked a compressed week. So we’d maybe mirror that if the perfect job came up in an imperfect place.

I think where it is would play a huge impact on this though – personally there’s no way you could pay me to live in London, whereas other areas of the UK I would consider. I guess it’s just communication as each oppotunity presents itself. Even within our city, adding an hour each day to a commute may have a big impact on home life that may not be balanced out by payrise. Basically, it’s no longer ‘me’ accepting a job, but ‘we’.

Post # 6
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
akshali2000 :  My husband makes double what I do, so I guess you could say his career is more “important” than mine, though I have never used that word. We moved to the midwest for his job, but also because it’s a great place to raise a family. 

Post # 7
10516 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

It’s not that his career is more important than mine but he has much more earning potential, it’s a more competitive field, and I can find jobs in my field pretty much anywhere. 

We recently moved so he could join a PhD program better than the one he would have gone to had we not moved. We will be moving again at the end of this program and then at least once more 2-3 years after that. It’s just how his field works. If I insisted on staying in one location for mine then he essentially couldn’t have his or at the very least would be very limited in his options. 

We did so long distance while I was getting my masters degree but I always knew I’d move back to the area he lived in when I was done so I don’t really feel like it factored into any of this.

Post # 8
10560 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

DH and I were LDR. I had a great career, my own place and have very little family left. DH had a job he hated and couldn’t find anything better, shared an apartment and has tons of family but isn’t as up their butt as I am with my family. So, he came to me.

Post # 9
9391 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think typically someone’s career more flexible or someone is less ambitious, and so that choice never has to be made–in the case of DH and I, we moved out of state to follow my career, because DH’s was flexible and let him switch to working from home.  When we have kids, I plan on taking some time off from work because my job is flexible in that way.  Etc.. as a result we have never had to have that talk.  Although it’s pretty clear (to me at least) that I’m less ambitious in general so if we ever had to it’s be a pretty easy choice.

I think things get hard when you’re both ambitious in jobs that aren’t flexible.  Suddenly someone has to actually sacrifice, and that’s not easy.  Some couples work around that by taking turns sacrificing.. other’s figure out some other way, but I imagine something less than fair causes resentment.

Post # 13
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

At the beigning f our relationship my Fiance and I lived in a city that was much smaller. We wanted to move, when he got the chance to change jobs I moved with him. I will always make less based off education. 

Due to his longer hours I take on the housework, but we have things that I just do not do. He does the dishes and the yard work and everything else is mine. I’m okay with this blance. I am okay that I will always be the one that follows him. He makes me, it would be silly to make him stay for a my job that makes 2/3 less. child care when that time comes will be a weird one  because his job offers work from home, so I believe he will be the one that can take the kid to the doctor and stay home when the kid is sick. 

Post # 14
1350 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

View original reply
akshali2000 :  Not in an LDR, I’m engaged and have been with my Fiance, soon to be husband for almost 7 years. 

His career while not most important would be a deciding factor in moving. There’s only certain cities where he can move to for his role and I can hopefully find a job anywhere. Also my earning potentional has a much lower cap than his does. 

If I got a job in another state where he could easily find another job it would be something were open to.  

It’s not that his career is more important but that our lifestyle is important to us and a move would need to take all of that into consideration. 

Post # 15
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Hmm. We always argue over who works  the hardest. Husband’s job is physically draining, mine is mentally exhausting and doesn’t end when I come home (I teach, and also manage a team of 13 ESL teachers). I earn considerably more than him – which isn’t a lot, but I get paid for being a qualified foreigner in this country whereas he earns his countries average salary, an amount which I think would shock most Western-based people on here. When we have babies he will be a stay at home dad and I will work. It’s the only way to be financially stable. I guess that makes my job more important. 

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