(Closed) how did you determine guestlist for non relatives

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: how did you determine non relatives/non family gustlist

    Local invites only/intown guests only

    mutual friends of you and your fiance

    mutual friends and seperate friends you both know

    parents friends one or the other knows

    family friends only

    other

  • Post # 17
    Member
    1388 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I decided to invite anyone that I would be happy to see and leave off anyone who felt like a chore (The only exception is a mutual friend that I share with a couple good friends, who accompanies them everywhere they go). Fiance has met most of the people I want to invite at least once, but isn’t actually friends with many of them. I think he took the same approach to his side of the guest list. No need to set requirements for someone’s relationship to you if you can simply judge whether or not you would like to see that person. But obviously budget constraints and pushy family members introduce different conditions. 

     

    Post # 18
    Member
    2247 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    We’re having almost 400 guests and theres a lot of my acquaintance friends that just didn’t make the cut. If these people have large families it may mean they just don’t have the space or budget to invite you. It sucks but I would try not to take it too personally. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    192 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @outgoingcutie15:  We are trying to invite as many friends as possible… my extended family is less important to me than friends (and I don’t care who is offended by that), so I am opting to invite friends over my extended family members.  My thought process is – if I don’t talk to you except once a year, or if I could pass you on the street without recognizing you, then you don’t need to be invited to my wedding.  I don’t want to pay $100+ for people that I could care less to see on my wedding day.

    I know I’m definitely more harsh than most, but it’s a realization I’ve come to over the years.  There was a time when I thought I’d invite all of my family AND friends, and then I realized that saving money and/or inviting more friends is more important to me than inviting family I don’t care for.  My immediate family will all be invited, and some extended family that I care about, but not everyone.  My fiance’s family, immediate and extended, will all be invited (his family is much smaller than mine).

    We will invite mutual friends, his friends, my friends, local friends, and cross-country friends.  The guest list will probably be 1/3 or more friends, with a mix of his, mine, and ours.

    Post # 20
    Member
    7384 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    We wanted to keep our list smallish. The vast majority (~75%+) of our list is family. The rest is close mutual friends and then a small handful of my friends. The rule was that it has to be someone we’ve both met, talk to regularly, and have actually, physically, purposely seen in the last 6 months. That cut out a LOT of FI’s friends (he has a million friends), most of whom he hasn’t spoken to in years, much less seen at all.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1775 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    We’re having a small wedding so it was easy for us. We just invited friends who are close and who have supported our relationship. If there was a friend who we couldn’t imagine not celebrating with, we invited them. We actually cut some extended family from the guest list to invite those friends.

    Post # 22
    Member
    558 posts
    Busy bee

    I have tons of college friends that live out of town that I may or may not have seen in the past year but I’m still inviting! My college bf lives in Paris, of course she can’t see me that often! And I certainly don’t know all of FI’s college friends. All invited.

     

    Post # 24
    Member
    3108 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    “I would have some idea based on the number of bridesmaids in their pictures”

    Yeah, that’s not going to work. Some people have small weddings and have 9 bridesmaids, some people (like me) are inviting 300 people and only have four.
     
    What if the bride and groom both have very large families? What if they can fill a 250 person guest list with family alone? Is that person not your friend because you weren’t invited?
     
    You have a really unhealthy obsession with not being invited to this girl’s wedding. I think you have about ten threads about it. There is nothing that any of us can say here as to why she chose not to invite you — this is something you either need to bring up with her (super uncomfortable), talk over with your therapist, or let go.

    I would also talk to your therapist about how you can recognize who your friends are. From your past posts, you seem to have a hard time distinguishing true friends from other people in your life.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1465 posts
    Bumble bee

    @cmbr:  +1.  to all of it.

    You can’t tell the size of the guestlist by the number of guests anymore.  I have seen small weddings with 8 BM’s and very large weddings with 3.

    Post # 26
    Member
    9168 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    We did our friends that were closest to us – either mutual friends or separate friends.  We invited about 15 couples. The rest of the invites went to friends/colleagues of our parents.

    Post # 27
    Member
    2426 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @outgoingcutie15:  We did not want to have a wedding but my ILs did so we decided on family only, no friends to keep the guest list low but the my Mother-In-Law went behind our backs and invited her friends. I was very close to calling the entire thing off and eloping. She paid for the wedding. I was a prop.

    Post # 30
    Member
    2426 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @outgoingcutie15:  You’re kind of over obsessing over it. Trust me, it is not easy to cut some one from a wedding guest list.

    At my wedding, there were around 42 guest. The reception was held in a tent in my ILs’ backyard. Based on those factors, you would have thought that it was a complete DIY wedding (which are great but I cannot do anything myself and make it look nice). It was not. With 42 guest, somebody still managed to spend over $10k. Sometimes you would rather spend the money to have something nice than to invite everyone you know especially if you don’t want to DIY.

    Eventually, you’ll get to a point where you will feel happy not to have to go to a wedding. I’ve been to SO many weddings that if I don’t get invited to one, I am fine with it. Also, when you plan your own wedding, you’ll see the stress involved with it.

    Post # 36
    Member
    3108 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @outgoingcutie15:  

    instead of looking at pictures I can ask a friend that is friends with the girl getting married how big it was.”

    I think you’re missing my point — this is kind of insane. You’re basically sleuthing/stalking these weddings to try and figure out how many guests were invited. It doesn’t matter how big the wedding is — you’re not invited.
     
    If this has happened multiple times to you, not getting invited to a wedding of someone you considered a friend, I think it’s time to reconsider the friendships. You’ve had a lot of threads about “what is a friend,” “how do I know when someone is my friend,” etc — I think that is the first thing you need to work on.
     
    If any of these girls are the ones who won’t give you their phone numbers/tell you not to text them/cause drama on Facebook, these girls aren’t your friends. Unless all of these girls have small budgets/huge families or whatever, they’re not your friends. For the sake of your mental health, you really need to work on getting past this obsession you have with these weddings.

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