(Closed) how did you determine guestlist for non relatives

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: how did you determine non relatives/non family gustlist

    Local invites only/intown guests only

    mutual friends of you and your fiance

    mutual friends and seperate friends you both know

    parents friends one or the other knows

    family friends only

    other

  • Post # 37
    Member
    2973 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @outgoingcutie15:  i determined my non-family list by envisioning myself in the middle of the dance floor and looking around to make sure (fill in the blank) is there. i asked myself “who do i want to share this moment with?”

    that’s it. no formulas or fancy politics. also, i didn’t invite people because they assumed they would be invited. i had to tell 4 people they weren’t invited. oh well…

     

    Post # 38
    Member
    1953 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I voted other because any of either my own or FI’s friends are wedding party or invited. I would never not invite a friend, I am not however, inviting all acquaintences. There is a difference, friends you connect with regularly and are active parts of eachother’s lives. Acquaintences on the other hand are people you know andare friendly with but do not play active roles in eachother’s lives or connect regularly. 

    Eta: Thankfully, while I have a large extended family,  my family isn’t close so I have never met many second cousins or great aunts. For Fi’s family side I suggested he use the formula that if I’ve never met them in 3 years together with multiple family get togethers which includes second and third cousins, that’s where to start cutting if we need to, with the exception of out of town relatives. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I don’t know how to answer this on your pole.

    We decided to have a small intimate wedding. Of course all immediate family was invited and as we are inviting all the kids too, that right there put us around 20 people with all of our siblings and their plus ones, etc. We then invited all of our local friends, but we really do not have many. Most of my friends are in CA & TX as I am from CA and met my fiance in TX. All of his friends are in TX. We then invited basically our best friends from CA & TX. But I will admit that even though I was not a fan of the idea and am still totally against it my fiance invited more people than we could have at our wedding in regards to his “friends list”, because he knows not all of them will come. I think that’s bad form, because god forbid they all RSVP’d… I’d be so upset as we are paying for the wedding on our own and cannot afford to go over our budget. Luckily the few he figured would not be able to come, have declined.

    I think our guest list looks totally weird and I know some of my old friends in LA are disappointed they weren’t invited, however if we were having a big to-do then it would be different and all of our friends would have been invited. 

    When we announced that we set our wedding date on Facebook (this is the way I stay in touch with most of my friends as they live all over the country) I made it clear that we are having a very intimate wedding. That way the 5 friends I did invite won’t make other people wonder why they weren’t invited. I have had a couple people assume they were invited and it was awkward and I basically explained that we are having a very small family wedding with a few of our closest friends, or I will straight up say that we would love to invite everyone, however as we are paying for it ourselvse and this is not possible. 

    My fiance actually has someone he needs to break the news to. I feel terrible because I told him months ago to let her know (as they reconnected months after I sent out our invitations and we had a maxed guest list) and he still hasn’t, but really it needs to come from him not me…

    If it makes you feel any better I’ve never been invited to any of my friend’s weddings. Either we weren’t very close at the time, or I was living in a different state, or whatever. That had no bearing on me inviting them to mine though :] Then again I am more of the kind of person that holds few close friendships and just knows a lot of people.

    Post # 40
    Member
    1074 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    We made a list of people who were most important to us.  Some overlapped, some didn’t.  Then we narrowed it down by if it was the last week on earth, would we want to see this person.  Helped us sort our list out.  I’d say just pretend a zombie apocalypse is going to happen during your wedding, who do you want to be stuck with Wink

    Post # 41
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @drummerbride:  Loved your comment. So true and I really like the way you helped decide who to invite on your fiance’s side.

    My Future Mother-In-Law was not happy that my fiance chose not to invite extended family, but some of the people that were on her “should have been invited” list included people who never even acknowledge the birth of our daughter or our prior engagement. I am sorry, but if you cannot go out of your way to say “Congratulations on the birth of your first child!” or “Congrats on the engagement!” Then I do not want to spend money to feed you LOL. Plus all those same people have not seen my fiance in over 20 years and obviously I have never met them.

    Post # 42
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    This might come off the wrong way, but one of the things that helped us decide, as well was this question: “Who are we willing to buy an expensive brunch for?” We are not cheap and we are very giving people, however I think the cost of weddings is insane and I disagree with what weddings seem to be today; a social pissing contest. (I do not mean to offend anyone.)

    Personally I did not want some ridiculously extravagant wedding; I wanted to elope, but my fiancé wanted the wedding! We compromised with a small wedding. To me the point of a wedding is two people making a very intimate vow to remain together for life and only separate in death. I’m sorry, but that is something extremely sacred in my eyes and not something I want share with a bunch of people I barely know or acquaintances. Even if I had an unlimited budget, we would have only added MAYBE 20 more people to the guest list. (That’s where the extended family would have come in.)

    For the record, I am not against big weddings for other people and I am a huge supporter of “to each their own”, I am simply speaking on my own priorities and feelings.

    Post # 43
    Member
    1953 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @BrieBrieGorGor:  I left his guestlist completely up to him, but he was getting that whole “if I invite this second cousin am I obligated to invite this one I haven’t heard from or seen in years?’. So I gave him my suggestion and he will use it or not at his discretion. Thankfully, he asked his parents’ opinion and they just said it’s your wedding invite whomever you want to. Some people get too caught up in ‘obligated invites’ they don’t even want to share their day with. 

    Heck my Maid/Matron of Honor just recently tried telling me I had toinvite an old high school friend she is still in close touch with since the girl just moved back to the city and I will likely see her and talk to her in group girl outings more. Sure I will see her more, and we’ve always got along well but heck no! She’s not someone I would ever call up or spend time with on my own, and I am not obligated to invite anyone to the wedding.

    Post # 44
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @drummerbride:  +1! I usually try to be nice to people, but if someone said that to me I think I’d get a bit pissed off at them! You should have whomever you damn well please at your wedding; simple as that!

    Post # 45
    Member
    395 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    We’re inviting 100 guests (including ourselves) so it’s not a big wedding.  We’re paying for the wedding ourselves and our parents only had a couple of people they wanted to invite. 

    For extended family and friends, I only invited those who I see or talk to regularly.  If I hadn’t seen or talked to them in the past 6 months, I cut them from the list.  For coworkers, I only invited the ones I hang out with outside of work events. 

    There were only a few tough cuts. I had pretty close knit groups of friends in college and grad school but I’m not as close to some of them as I used to be.  I felt bad about inviting some but not others from the group but after adding up the costs of the reception, I stopped caring as much.  I also cut guests for my friends who aren’t in a relationship.  That allowed me to invite all of my close friends and relatives without going over our guest list count. 

    Post # 46
    Member
    10 posts
    Newbee

    I read a good rule-of-thumb somewhere for ‘closer’ friends:  People you’ve had at your house for dinner

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