(Closed) How did you get your FI to understand you don’t want to drop your last name?!?

posted 7 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I felt the same way. So, I dropped my middle name (no significance, just went really well with my first name) and took my maiden as middle, and then took his last name. Maybe you could do that?

Post # 5
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

he will never understand since he will never have to face the possibility of changing his name.

i’m debating the same thing right now. my family is the ONLY family in america with our last name. my dad was the only boy of his siblings so he was the only one to keep his last name… and he had one boy and four girls. if my brother doesn’t have a baby boy, our name is dead (dead in america… it will still be around in germany).

so, for me, it’s not only having to get rid of a part of myself… but also, i almost feel as if i’m helping my own family name to just die out.

right now, i’m actually trying to convince Fiance to hyphenate his name along with me… that way both our family names could live on through our kids if we give them the hyphenated last name also.

Post # 6
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I really feel like honestly, its your decision. He’s not the one that has to change his name, and go through all the paperwork and “lose” a name. My husband said he woudl like me to take his last name, but if I really didn’t want to, I didn’t have to. But, ultimately I did and I’m glad I did. My last name will always be a part of who I am, and nothing can take that away.

You still have plenty of time, you don’t have to make a decision right away!!! I would just leave it alone for now, and figure it out later.

Post # 7
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Hubby was very understanding. He really didn’t care what I did. He understands it’s a big change. His brother and cousin were really ticked that I wanted to keep it. In all honesty they don’t know what it’s like! Ask Fiance how he would feel if he had to change his name to yours. Put it into perspective for him.

Post # 8
Member
14481 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think you should ask him why he’s so upset about it and go from that angle.  I’m fairly certain he wont be able to put into words an unselffish reason for why he would want you to drop your name completely.  Ask him what would be so unreasonable about keeping your name and adding his, you are still in effect taking his name.  Can you go by First name, Middle name – maiden name, FI’s last name so that your maiden name is made part or your middle name instead of last name if you dont want to drop your middle name and replace it?

Post # 9
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

wow. Men never cease to amaze me. Honestly, what is so upsetting to them about it? They aren’t the ones that are traditionally asked to give up a piece of them.

Don’t let him make you feel bad about keeping your last name and adding it to your married name.

Hopefully he’ll come around and at least tell you why it bothers him so much. Then maybe you can actually discuss it.

 

Post # 10
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

I’m not sure what your age and profession is, but those were the main reasons that I used in explaining to my hubby why I wanted to add his name to mine (hyphenate).  I told him that I was MM for 39 years (yes, I was an older bride) and wanted to keep my name for professional reasons as well.  I am a therapist in the schools and also tutor children in the area.  I have a positive reputation as MM and thought it might be confusing to families and potential clients.  By just adding his last name M M-G then people would still be able to identify and locate me.  I still have students and clients call me Miss M and I have students/clients that call me Mrs. G.  I suppose you could also discuss how you plan to introduce yourself to others as Mrs. X X-X, so it wouldn’t be like you weren’t identifying yourself with him.  I hope that makes some sense and is helpful to you.  Good Luck!

Post # 13
Member
1925 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through this!  I’m a very open feminist, and my fiancé loves this about me.  I’m not changing my name and he actually agrees that I shouldn’t.  Most people (my mother included) don’t agree with this, but luckily it’s not their decision.  It’s my decision.  

I really think your compromise is reasonable.  Your fiancé will hopefully grow to be okay with it.  Maybe let it lie for a little bit, and bring it up again later.  Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t think it’s his or anyone else’s decision. Just yours. It’s your name. He is free to offer you his name, and you are free to accept it, or to keep your own. If he doesn’t understand, oh well, he doesn’t have to understand. It’s not his name. It hardly matters what your age is, what your career is, or what your reasonings are. It’s your name and your call, period. 

For the life of me, I will never understand why some men feel entitled to dictate a woman’s name. That’s all it is – historical entitlement. 

Post # 14
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

@Alexis22:  I’m sure you’ve developed a reputation with your maiden name, so use that to your advantage (if you want).  I think your fiance’ just needs time for this to soak in.  He’ll be able to move forward…I’m sure!

The topic ‘How did you get your FI to understand you don’t want to drop your last name?!?’ is closed to new replies.

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