Post # 1
Hi bees, long time no chat.
Well it’s been almost 2 years since we got married, and life/traveling has pushed back our plans to start TTC. We took a 10-month trip around the world, and it has been incredible. We come home in 2 days, and we both already have our jobs lined up. Our apartment and car are waiting for us. It’ll be like we never left. Because of this, we always said that once we were home we would start TTC. We talk about it often, especially since we both have baby fever (he points out every baby we walk by, telling me how cute it is). He is 28, and I am 27. We are ready.
However, now that it’s actually time to start, his attitude has changed a bit. He loves our life right now, and is so scared of it changing. He keeps wanting to push it back by a month, or two months. But I’m afraid if we start pushing it back we won’t stop. He is also SO convinced that we will get pregnant the first cycle of trying, and won’t listen when I tell him that it might take a while.
I wanted to start our family right after we got married. It’s been a long two years of waiting for me. But now I feel so ready I could burst. I’m starting to get jealous when my friends announce their pregnancies, which I hate because I wish I could just be happy for them without any negativity! But I just want to be in their shoes so badly.
Anyway, I just thought I’d come on here to rant a bit, and also ask if anyone has been in the same boat. How did your hubbies feel about starting to TTC? Is there anything I can discuss with my hubs to make him feel better about the whole thing? I definitely know he wants kids (in fact, he always says he wants 4!). He’s just having trouble with making the plunge to start TTC. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
Post # 2
My husband and I also had a timeline on when we were going to TTC and he ended up with cold feet. Even though we were financially in a very good place he was still worried about money as well as how it would change our life style. He also believed that it would take one time and I would be pregnant. It works that way for some people obviously but due to my irregular periods as well as ovarian cysts I knew that we weren’t going to be one of the lucky ones.
I ended up bringing him with me to one of my OB appointments. I have them every 6 weeks when not on birth control to monitor the size of by cysts. After hearing from the doctor himself that it most likely wouldn’t be an easy journey he took it as a personal challenge to prove how “potent his swimmers are”. We have our first RE appointment in September which can’t come soon enough for either of us.
If you haven’t I would suggest really talking to your husband and telling him how you are feeling. Obviously having a baby is a big change, so it’s understandable that he’s nervous. Wishing you the best!
Post # 3
sassybeee : I think one thing you can do is remind him that you can have a similar lifestyle with kids. All the fun trips you go on can be with kids. Do you have a reliable sitter? If you do, again, you will be surprised the time you will have without kids. My husband had a kid before we met. We always knew we wanted another kid or two, and decided to shoot for a kid when my stepson was around 10 (5 years after we met). It took us 9 months to conceive… he was honestly excited about that one, so we started TTC a few months before our plan.
However, pulling the trigger on our second kid together has been a challenge. The first year with our daughter was a bit rough. And even though it took us awhile to get pregnant the first time, there’s always the “what if.” What if it does happen quickly? My husband is on anti-anxiety meds, and it’s given him some side effects, and we suspect that’s what took us awhile… We’ve pushed off TTC the next child a couple times now (shooting for 5 months after our original start date). However, it’s gotten to the point where we’ve decided to just be less careful and see what happens. That’s always an alternative.
Post # 4
Do you think you could give it a few months to be back home and settle back into your lives? One thing I found out with my husband is that while I had been thinking about it and was totally ready when we got around to discussing it, he didn’t start thinking about it until it was brought up. The way we handled it was to set a date that we were both comfortable with for getting my IUD out. I think it was about 6 months out from when we had the TTC talk and at about 4 months out my husband asked if I wanted to move it up because he felt ready. Be a good safe space for him to talk out his worries and at least you’ll stay in the loop as to what is going on in his head.
Post # 5
Sorry to not address your question but I just had to say I am in awe that you travelled for 10 months and have your home and cars and jobs waiting for you! How did you do this?!
Post # 6
What kind of birth control are you using? If you are using hormonal birth control, it might be smart to get off of it now, so your cycle has time to regulate. Some people take months to get their cycle back. In the meantime, while he is not ready, have him use condoms. This is the right thing to do in the months before wanting to TTC in my opinion. The added bonus is that the condoms are a little motivation for him to not drag his feet about deciding when he is ready…
Post # 7
pearlrose : I got off the BCP 2 years ago and have been using pull out ever since, so when we are TTC we can start right away. I know it’s not the most reliable, but hubby always pull out in time (sorry, TMI!) and it has worked for us! So my cycles are back to normal!
Post # 8
princessmiaofgenovia : haha no worries. We decided to take a year off to travel. We sublet our apartment and stored our car at a friends house. Hubby asked if he could take a leave of absence, and they love him at his work so they said OK! I told my work I was leaving, and they asked if I could stay on remotely. So I’ve been working 20 hours/week the whole 10 months from my computer. When I told them I was coming home, they offered me full time again. It has worked out really well for us 🙂 We wanted one last big trip before kids, and we got it.
Post # 9
My husband and I got married last month, and decided that I would get my IUD taken out a few days after the wedding. We both feel like it could take a while, but I also feel like he has a little hesitation. He was all for us trying- but I think now that we are (2nd month trying), he is nervous. Which makes me sad. I’m hoping that it won’t take too much longer, and once I get that BFP he will be excited.
Its tough!! Having a baby is a huge step. It’s normal to be nervous, but it’s hard when you were on the same page and now he is having hesitation.
Post # 10
camoandglitter : thank you so much. I think I’ll talk all of this through with him. I feel silly worrying so much about infertility when we haven’t even tried yet, but you just never know!
SeaOfLove : thank you for your response. We have both sets of parents begging us for children, so I think we have reliable sitters covered!! Lol. He’s just more concerned that he won’t be able to be as carefree as he is now. Which I understand.
throughthelookingglass87 : I could give it a few months for sure, but even pushing it back 1 month right now is killing me. I know he’s ready, he’s just having a hard time saying “ok, let’s go!”
Post # 11
sassybeee : I totally get where your husband is coming from. My husband and I both feel the same way. I see my brother and SIL with my niece and I don’t feel jealousy at all; I feel relief that it isn’t me. We talk about having children, and we both feel we want them, but at the same time, our life is so good and so free and wonderful right now. Do we really want to exchange our freedom for dirty diapers and sleepless nights?
I have so much hesitation and I worry I’ll feel regret, yet I’m also turning 30 next year and have PCOS, so if we do decide we want them, sooner is better than later.
I’m torn daily about this.
Post # 12
sassybeee : we pushed the timeline up more than my hubby wanted but he understood that things can take time and so he went along. In the end it took us 2 years and IVF to get pregnant so he thanks me for convincing him to start sooner than he wanted! If we had waited a year and then discovered our problems that would have sucked for us as we want two kids and I don’t want to be pregnant in my late-30s (I had the first at 32).
I do think giving yourselves a month or two to readjust to regular life is wise though so I don’t think your husband is just getting cold feet – it sounds like doesn’t want to pile on too many changes at once.
Post # 13
I would table the issue for a couple months since your husband is having some anxiety about it. I think his feelings are understandable. Once a few months have passed, I’d raise the issue again and ask him if he’s ready. If he still isn’t, then have a more serious discussion about what’s holding him back and when he sees himself being ready.
But at 27/28, having just come back from a nearly year long vacation and about to resume your lives in the real world, I think it’s very very understandable that he might want to wait a couple months before immediately launching into TTC.
ETA: I was ready to TTC before my husband was. I told him I was ready shortly after our wedding, and he said he wasn’t quite there yet but would be ready within a year, which seemed reasonable to me so I dropped the issue. We were 32 (me)/36 (him) at the time. A few months later, he surprised me and said he was ready, and so we began TTC. We got pregnant on our second cycle trying…though that ended in mc. Conceived again three cycles later and that one stuck.
Post # 14
sassybeee : by the time we were married for over a year we had been together for almost 10 years! My husband was the one wanting to push up our timeline as I kept saying I could wait a few years. I was 31 when we started trying hubby was 37, so he was actually the one feeling like he needed to get going on having kiddos.
I was afraid it would take a long time so I easily came on board for trying when he said he was ready. Got my IUD out 4 months later and then started trying that next month. We got very lucky that it only took four cycles before I fell pregnant.
I have to say, having him be the one really wanting kids NOW has made the pregnancy such a fun, growing experience. He talks to the belly every day, thanks me for the sacrifices I’m making, tells me how good of a job I’m doing growing the baby, etc.
I’ve got 5 more weeks until I’m due and I can’t wait to see the bond he makes with our child.
Post # 15
We were reversed – my husband was ready for babies sooner than I was. We were together 9 years before getting married and had always said the biggest motivation for actually getting married was when we were ready to start a family. Despite this, after our wedding I got cold feet – I felt like there were a 1000 trips I wanted to take, 500 baby-unfriendly events I wanted to attend – basically so many reasons I kept pushing our timeline back. Honestly all I needed was time, because once I was ready, I was READY. We started TTC almost a year after our wedding and it ended up taking us 9 cycles and the wait really took a toll on me (my husband, who had already had to wait a year, was way more patient than I was). So who knows, maybe if we’d started TTC on our original schedule, the timing would have worked out since it took us almost a year anyway. But maybe not – maybe we’d have gotten lucky on our first try and if I wasn’t 100% ready and committed, it would have been a disaster. The first year is tough – there were moments where I asked myself what the hell I had gotten myself into – and I had to remind myself that I had made this choice willingly. If your husband isn’t ready, those moments may breed resentment (“you wanted this baby, I wanted to wait!”) at times when you really need to stick together.
In the grand scheme of things, waiting a few more months is really not a big deal. I barely remember the months of TTC my daughter yet at the time it was all-consuming. Wishing you guys find a happy compromise and an easy TTC journey when you start!