Post # 17
@FutureMrsBPJ: Pretty sure I’ve posted this story before but I’ll bite…
In all my past relationships we fought a LOT. I just kind of assumed that’s how it was. I’m a little moody, all men seemed to be kind of insensitive… bam! fights!
My SO is NOT insensitive and is not one to pick fights. One day I went over to his place. I got stuck in traffic for HOURS. Since I was going to be baking for Christmas at his place too, I had all this stuff I had to lug into the car, then back out and up his apartment stairs. I was in SUCH a bad mood when he opened the door and was just being kind of bitchy. With all of my previous boyfriends they would have made some smart ass comment and it would have escalated to a full on fight.
Not my SO. He calmly helped me get my stuff into the apartment, took my bag of clothes into the bedroom, turned on the tv and poured me a glass of wine. Then he just sat on the couch and waited. Eventually I was coming down off my anger and wanted to cuddle. I couldn’t get mad at him because he was being perfect. I realized his behavior– just being the kind person he is– was actually making me, in that moment and overall, want to be a better person- a better version of myself. I didn’t understand that until him.
So I knew. Right then. He may not be “the one and only” guy who could bring that out in me, but he’s the one I want in my life forever.
Post # 18
There’s a difference between healthy questioning along the lines of “How could X and Y impact our relationship twenty years from now?” and “Do we really see ourselves together for life?”
There’s a lot of things to consider and think about. In fact, it’s very important to consider the possibilities the future may bring and determine if you can accept X,Y, and Z for the rest of your life. Ultimately, though, there is a truth in the phrase “you just know.” Lots of people say it, and it is frustrating to hear, and it is hard to explain, but you do know.
The fact that they are both saying they are unsure is worrisome.
Post # 19
@EmeraldTiger: Yes, well I agree with @MsW-to-MrsM because there is a difference between passing doubts and serious doubts. Serious doubts are a cause for concern.
Post # 20
I have NEVER doubted for a second. However, Iw as engaged previously for a year and called it off. PLEASE, listen to the little voice inside. Please.
Post # 21
haha I’m the same. When my Fiance has plans I will then schedule time to catch up with my own friends. We are both fine with each other spending time apart but at the end of the day I prefer to be with him than anyone else in the world and I feel like a part of me is missing when I’m not with him.
Post # 22
Yep, that is exactly how I feel too! 🙂
Post # 23
@FutureMrsBPJ: I’m not married or even engaged but I wanted to put a little story in here to counteract all of the “I just knew”.
I once experienced all of these things people are talking about. I was head over heels for this guy, picturing babies when I never wanted them before, etc etc. I had tunnel vision. You know where that led me? Dumped.*
I’ve always been one to side with logic, so “just knowing” doesn’t work for me, especially after that last experience. I posted a thread on this before I think, and I got a lot of great answers from logical people like me. I’m now in a relationship thats much more calm and I like it that way.
My SO is just like this. He doesn’t get pissy at me when I’m being pissy. And it makes me want to act the same way when he is being a brat. I restrain myself and be the rock he needs me to be, which is making me a better person. We rarely ever fight and everything is just easier. I think THATS how you know.
*Disclaimer: I don’t mean to put down all of the other stories at all, I’m just trying to explain my experience where the guy didn’t turn out to be very nice but I still fell hard. In my case, leading life with my emotions didn’t work out, but I’m really happy for all of you that did because I know that must be amazing 🙂 And make for great stories!
Post # 24
Whenever I am with him I feel so calm and happy, even during our most stressful days. I still get excited when he calls me and I still get butterflies when i see him if we’ve been apart for several days. He knows the way to my heart and makes me so happy!
Not engaged yet, but we are planning on getting engaged within the next couple years (after we move in together). I cannot wait to marry him!
Post # 25
This is might be a little cold water, so take it for what you will. It’s what I believe.
You choose who you marry.
Marriage is not an expression of “finding” anyone–“the one,” “soulmate”–whatever term you like. Marriage is the expression of choosing someone. Thus, marriage itself is not a state of being, it is work and it is active. It is the daily practice, like a meditation, of actively and consciously honoring your choice. It is also what you will have to do when you fight (which you will), when you have other pressures in life (which you will), when you’re emotionally challenged (whcih you will be at some point) and when you realize that the other person never fixed all those flaws they always had (which they won’t). This is what it means to make a commitment to someone else–you literally choose to ignore, to compromise, to love anyway.
So, to some extent, it’s not really about finding the right person; in the end, you decide that this person will be the right person and that you will honor and love him as such–as he should do for you in return.
I had doubts from time to time and I did wonder if DH and I were “meant to be.” Then we decided that “meant to be” didn’t matter. We decided we WOULD be.
Post # 27
Great post! +1: I have stifled my own anxiety about the future by deciding that my SO and I would be together (and that moving across the country is going to be FINE). It helps when you and your partner are willing to work at it early on, because you will HAVE to keep working at it, it’s not going to get any easier. If you support your partner, and they support you, that’s an excellent foundation.
It does help though, when you have the attraction and the excitement that ensures longevity in the relationship. I merely add this point because I think this is what some of us are describing when referring to ‘the one’.
Post # 28
Um I don’t think I “just knew.” If I were to just go solely with those “just knowing” feelings I’d probably have been married 3 times before my Fiance lol. For me it came down to the facts that 1) he’s a great guy and I’m overall content with his character, 2) I think he would make a good father, 3) I’ve learned how to live with his shortcomings, 4) if given the opportunity to live with or without him I would much rather live with him in my life, and 5) we learn from each other and he is someone who encourages and challenges me to be my best self. I’ve definitely experienced those fairy tale moments with him where the world seemed exist for the sole purpose of our happiness, but I’ve also had my doubts whether he was the right one when we’ve gotten into fights or maybe when I just got a little bored with the routine anpredictability of things. But remembering why I love him in the first place reminds me why he’s “the One” and frankly it ain’t easy to find someone who can still make you laugh and who you have a general compatibility with. The desire of some excitement is killed when I remember that every relationship sparkles at the beginning but in the end you’re left with another flawed human being like yourself.
Post # 29
I knew within the first couple weeks. He was so mature for his age (we were 18 & freshmen in college), he genuinely is caring & kind, & I felt in the pit of my stomach that our values and morals lined up so well that we could make a life together. I’m sure it didn’t hurt that he made me fall in love with him almost immediately lol.