Post # 48
The situation is pretty complicated, but here are the main issues.
He was in the military when we were dating and engaged and now he is not and is out of work. We thought he would be able to stay in and had been planning on that for our future. He is in school and looking for work, but it has been very stressful.
While we met in my hometown, he is from a town about 1500 miles away and wants to move back there but I am not sure if I want to live there.
We have differing views on finances and how to save/spend money.
He would like me to be a stay-at-home mom and I don’t want to have to make that decision before we are married and have kids. I don’t know what his income will be. He thinks anything over $60,000 is enough to raise a family on and I very much disagree. We came from two very different backgrounds in regards to finances.
I am also doubting if we are intelectually matched.
We are starting premarital counseling soon so I hope that will direct us one way or the other.
He is a great person and I love him very much. It’s hard to picture my life without him but at the same time I am not sure I want the future that I would have with him in regards to finances and lifestyle.
Post # 49
@FutureMrsBPJ: It was the first time I felt like a team with someone. Also, I wanted someone who would be head over heels for me like the Italian actor Roberto Benigni was for his wife when he won the Oscar. 🙂 So, when my husband, then boyfriend, was reinacting Singin’ in the Rain when we were out walking in the rain one night, I was happy to find someone who could be goofy, laugh and love me so much all at once.
I love what you wrote and how you wrote it. I could see it all happening and that is a very special memory. 🙂
Post # 50
I’m not going to say I knew he was the one, because up until about a year ago I didn’t really care to get married. I did know that I wanted to be around him as much as possible from the first minute I met him. Everytime he wasn’t around me I wanted to see him. The more we hung out and the more I got to know him, I still felt that way. Through everything, I just want him there, with me.
He literally completes me. He posesses the qualities that I’m lacking and his strengths are my weaknesses. We complement each other so well and the combination of the two of us is better than we could each be on our own.
I would find it difficult to forge through life with someone who had such differing views, especially around finances.
Post # 51
I dont believe in “the One” – there is no such thing as “Mr Right”.
Once people get to the point of thinking about marriage – Its not a question of it being “Mr Right” or “Mr Wrong”. Its just a relationship like any other. It takes work, effort on the sides of both people. Every relationship will fail when people stop making the effort to make it work. As soon as one person gives up on keeping the relationship going, it is doomed. So no matter WHO is in the relationship with you – Mr Right, or Mr Maybe-Wrong, “The One” or “The Other One” – as long as both parties are commited to making it work and keeping the relationship going… Thats the right one.
I Agree! +1000
Post # 52
@FutureMrsBPJ: I too don’t believe in “the one” but there are countless reason for why I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with him.
We’ve been through some of the hardest things you can experience in life and have come out the other side stronger. He lets me be my own person and choose my own path while lifting me and supporting me. He always knows exactly what to say to cheer me up when no one else does. There is 0% chance of us having a weird looking kid (I know some may say it’s superficial but really it’s science…our genetics will mesh together well). He makes me feel special…like I’m the most important thing in his world. He loves me unconditionally and tries to find new ways to show that. I smile just thinking about him and after 9 years of dating, I’m still madly in love with him.
Post # 53
He is the most amazing part of my life. I simply can not imagine my future without him and I don’t want to. I think for awhile I was freaked out by the idea of marriage. But living my life without him is a lot scarier than committing to a lifetime together. I honestly feel he is my other half and I would not be the same person without him. he is part of me.
I may have had doubts in the beginning, I think it took time. We have been through so much together. I don’t know if there was really one instance that made me realize it. One day I realized that I couldn’t live without him.
Post # 54
I too am a bit more logical about things, I actually believe that there is more than ONE person out there who could make you happy – in the end it’s up to you who you ultimately decide to take the big plunge with!!
I suppose I had my *moment* 6 years (yes…6 years!!) into our relationship when we took a flight and I was really scared after a bad experiece the last time I flew. I realised that I felt safe with him, that he kept me calm and most importantly that he had a kind heart – we got engaged the next day!!! Of course there are many other reasons why I believe we’re good for each other but I guess I had a moment of clarity on the plane when I decided that ‘yes’ this was indeed the man for me!
There is a lot of cr*p out there saying that you should just KNOW when something is right. Please don’t buy into all of this! Of course there are couples who know from day one that they will marry and that’s great but not everyone comes to that conclusion so quickly! I certainly had to consider a lot of things before I felt ready to take my relationship to the next step – I needed to go into it knowing the good, the bad and the ugly because when you’re signing up for life it’s important you’ve seen each other at both your best and your worst.
You need to be able to support and respect each others plans and sometimes be willing to compromise. However, you should never feel that you have to give up your hopes and dreams for your SO and nor should they push you to do that. It’s important to have a conversation about where you potentially see yourselves in 1/2/5/10 etc years times and see if you’re on vaguely the same track.
Saying all of this do try and live *in* the moment – I sometimes struggle to do this myself as I like to plan things and work with certanties but really…we can’t ever know where life is going to take us and if this person makes you happy in the NOW then sometimes it’s worth taking a chance and giving it your best shot. If however you aren’t feeling happy in the now, it’s causing you stress/anxiety and on some level you predict you’ll always feel like this then maybe you need to take a little break and consider your feelings before leaping into marriage.
Keep positive 🙂
Post # 55
@FutureMrsBPJ: I knew he was the one almost right away thought i didnt know i knew it i just felt the differance with him
-we were friends 1st
-i knew he was something speical when he became the highlight of my day just getting to speak to him
-when we dated i knew he was different b.c. i was not scared to go on a trip with him i had been attacked 5 years ago and every guy since b4 him when they wanted to be alone with me far form my safty zone i had terrible nightmares and broke up with them
-Again sorry to point it out but i was attacked and sometimes froze when i was with men since … I didn’t freeze with him that was the biggest deal to be truthful
i guess b.c. of things i have been through it might be ezer for me to feel when i am with the right man my soulmate the person who melts away my fear and makes me feel safe and loved and strong and able to grow and be a better verion of my self
idealy if your with the right person little things with in you and your life will fall in line you will feel it and even if you fight sometimes (we do) thats normal for couples doubts are normal too … just ask your self is he the highlight of your day … do you feel stronger with him then with out him … do you bring out better parts of him are you more together then you are apart
Post # 56
I once thought that a former boyfriend was “the one” because I felt like some exterior force was keeping us together and that we were “meant” to be. Subconsciously I didn’t allow for him to be human, make mistakes, consider a life without me or just personally grow. I was young and I’ve totally changed my mind about relationships since.
When I first met my Fiance I fell in love with how emotionally stable, genuine, thoughtful and caring he is. As time went on I grew to love and trust him more and understand that our core principles and morals are the same. We have gone through rough times and he has hurt me (as will happen at some point in every relationship) yet I am able to stand back from the situation (which is usually a selfish one) and still admire and respect him. I know that no matter what I can count on him not to change the character I love him so much for, no matter what else changes or may surprise me about him. That’s why I chose for him to be “the one”.
Post # 57
Is it okay to say I don’t know the answer to that question?
Honestly, I don’t know how anyone is able to answer it. I am extremely happy with Fiance, we have had a great 4.5 years together, and we share a lot of life’s values and goals. But how do I know that we are magically going to stay together forever and that he is “the one” for me? I haven’t the slightest clue. I don’t know if I will ever figure that out, even if we are together for all eternity.
I’ve had bad relationships and I’ve had good ones. I know why the bad ones didn’t work out, but I don’t know what makes this relationship fundamentally more “correct”. I’m just…happy. But I’ve been wrong in my life before. I think we all have.
Post # 58
When I had so much peace in my heart, no doubt, and no fear. Only love.
Post # 59
THIS EXACTLY! Very well said. Everyone should look at marriage like this.
(HOWEVER, I like many PPs also have too many stories of how I knew, I agree that it is exactly like they say; when you know, you know. That is the truth!)
ETA: I also understand that some people never experience the when you know you know feeling, which should make those of you who do get to experience that feel very blessed because its a beautiful special thing NOT saying that when the “you know” feeling isn’t present it makes your relationship/marriage any less valid. It is what it is. Doubts should always be explored, marriage is serious business, you definitely want to be sure.
Post # 60
I think the pre-marital classes are a very good idea. I hope you two take them seriously and you both get some clarity on whether or not you two should move forward with marriage.
1. Marriage is compromise (you are joining two seperate lives) so above all remember that.
2. It is VERY important to be in agreement on important topics like Finances, Careers, Children, etc. Not being on the same page with these can lead to frustration, resentment, unhappiness AND even divorce.
I hope you two decide on what’s best for BOTH of you. You both decide to be happy and with the right person.
Good luck OP!
Post # 61
@FutureMrsBPJ: He held my hair while I was violently ill, took me to the ER, and stayed with me in the hospital until 3 in the morning (when we both had class the next morning). All before we had been dating for 6 months (this was in the course of one night). If that doesn’t make him a keeper then nothing will!
Post # 62
I was (and still am) a very independant person. I had relationships, but I never really let anyone in. I valued MY time, never fully opened myself nor did I want to marry any of them. When I met my now FI, that all changed. Why? I could see into his soul and knew that he would never hurt me, that I could trust him, that he would be there for me and that I felt the exact same way back to him. I opened up to him in a way that was so uncharacteristic for me, but I finally felt like I was able to BE MYSELF.
When I am fired up, he is the water to cool me and does whatever is in his power to ease my frustrations. I see the love in his gestures when he does this, and I feel incredible love for him which instantly soothes me. This goes both ways.
Now, that all sounds fine and lovely but we do fight. The thing is, we fight fair and compromise when necessary. I didn’t even know this was possible before him.
I think you should be absolutely thrilled to be getting married and if you don’t feel this way now, you won’t later. Perhaps some time to focus on your relationship would be a good idea at this point.