How did you know it was time for a divorce?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2287 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you’re smart to stay separated. I bet once your husband gets his way he’ll be less inclined to be cooperative with regards to therapy. If he says either you move back in or the only other course of action is divorce I think that says a lot about his willingness to see things from anyone’s point of view but his. 

Post # 3
Member
9861 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

It sounds like he had the opportunity to do counseling while you were living with him and he wasn’t interested. Do not take a step backward. If he’s not willing to do counseling while you are living apart then he’s not really willing to fight for your marriage.

Post # 4
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Sorry bee, looks like he wants things his way or the highway.  That pretty much tells you what you what you’re dealing with and…. am I wrong to suspect verbal abuse based on your post??  If that’s true this is not a man who respects your or your marriage.  I also suspect you already know the answer to your question, you just need a little validation that you’re doing the right thing.  You got it bee.  I’m a full believer in doing what is best for YOU.    Marriage is supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship.

Post # 6
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Although I don’t know the detailed specifics of your relationship, everything you described sounds eerily like my situation with my now ex-husband…I was constantly tiptoeing around him to avoid a mood swing or beratement from him; I moved out and he insisted that I had to move back if we were going to try to move forward- though he wavered back and forth on this for a few weeks when it became clear I wasn’t going to cow to his demands like I used to.  We tried meeting up on our own (*always in a public space, I was never alone with him*) to talk things out for a couple months after I moved out.  Our conversations went nowhere.  Meanwhile, living on my own was a breath of fresh air.  I felt like I had a new lease on life.  I found myself really “nesting” in my apartment and making it homey, even though I had initially intended for it to be a temporary move while we worked things out.  That feeling, coupled with the fact that my ex made no effort to change other than telling me that I needed to move back in and that he would try harder, was when I knew it was time to divorce.  I told him in person, he was furious at me for “wasting his time” and walked away.  And that was pretty much the end of it.

Post # 7
Member
2287 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

bee123321 :  well I definitely don’t agree with moving back in. I think you should research a marriage therapist and schedule a date and time. Tell him the day with plenty of notice and then the ball is in his court. If you move back in, I foresee a variety of excuses made by him to avoid actually going to therapy. Busy at work, budget concerns, etc. 

Post # 8
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Agree with PP that he had the opportunity to do counseling while you guys lived together and he wasn’t interested. How will you moving back in make counseling better? If he can’t answer that, then he’s just trying to exert control over your actions because he knows it’ll be harder for you to move out a second time if he gets you back in the house.

If you’re interested in compromising, tell him you’ll consider moving back in after X amount of counseling sessions. However many you think you might need before you’d feel comfortable deciding whether or not to move back. If he can’t agree to that, or any other compromise, then he’s not really interested in making any changes or working on himself or the marriage.

Post # 10
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

bee123321 :  absolutely! He needs to be committed both to his mental health and your relationship’s health for the long haul. And that may mean that you need to have your own space for longer than he would like you to.

Post # 12
Member
387 posts
Helper bee

bee123321 :  

I left when I realized that I did not want to spend another decade of my life living the way I was living. I did everything I could, and nothing would fix it. Nothing was going to change, so I had to make the change. 

None of us go into marriage thinking we’ll get divorced. I realized I was only staying to avoid hurting him. Sometimes there are no good answers. 

Post # 13
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

“Pulling you along?” He’s the one expecting you to work with him in the way he wants AFTER you suggested counseling together the first time around.

If you moved back in and had counseling, were as honest as need be, then went home to him . . . I really don’t think that’d make for progress. I would be worried about him holding grudges over what you said, confronting you and causing more argument over what you said.

Post # 14
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

I definitely think you are doing the right thing staying in your own place while you work on your marriage. It is too easy to let things slide when you are under one roof just for the sake of living in peace. But being in a marriage or any relationship should make you happier and your life better, if you are happier and find it easier to live alone then the marriage is not working. It took you a lot of strength and courage to move out, don’t move back in until you are sure that your life will be happier with him. Sometimes people need the shock and reality that they could lose someone to really realise they need to change. If he really loves you and wants to make it work he will be willing to go to counselling or do whatever it takes to build a happy healthy marriage with you. Stay strong and never compromise your happiness for anyone! Xx

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