How did you know they were the "one"?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
8027 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

When he saw me at my absolute worst (physically and emotionally) and somehow loved me even more.

Post # 17
Member
1121 posts
Bumble bee

You don’t. Notions of “the one” or “soulmates” or whatever is fairy tale dung. There is no magical perfect person out there that will “complete you.”

If you find a relationship where you both treat each other well, love each other, are attracted to each other, have similar values, and similar life goals…you eventually make a decision to break up, or to choose this person forever. There is always risk, there is never guarantee. 

You’re right, one day he may wake up and be a different person. It happens. That has been a risk for every single person who has gotten married, but they did it anyways. Sometimes it worked out, sometimes it didn’t. 

You just have to jump. No one else can tell you if, when, and why. 

Post # 18
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t know that I believe in “the one” but I knew I loved my husband and wanted to marry him because 1) we never ran out of things to talk about 2) he makes me laugh, often 3) I trust him implicitly and feel so safe being my truest self around him, 4) he demonstrates integrity and kindness – he does what he says he will do, and he shows he cares about me and making me happy.

Number 3 might be the most important for me. With my previous boyfriend before I met my husband, I felt like I couldn’t totally be honest about my feelings, or I would feel embarrassed sometimes about stupid stuff. With my husband it is all out there for him to see, and vice versa. We accept each other and love each other, warts and all. We also have very similar love languages, which makes it easy for us to communicate. Also he’s had a lot of therapy so he’s quite good at communication already 🙂

Post # 19
Member
803 posts
Busy bee

when he took my hand and introduced himself. We were engaged about 4 and half months later.

Post # 21
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

He is exactly who he presents himself as being. He is the most upright person I know & is the only person I’ve met who simply does not compromise his morals. Ever. This moral fiber is something I count on & is the basis for why I felt comfortable promising to spend my life with him. He is absolutely trustworthy. There will be no lies, no cheating. He is absolutely good natured. Never angry. 

He’s thoughtless, sometimes. Forgetful. Too earnest. Anxious. But always open & loving.

The best man I’ve ever met. 

(& the sex turned out to be phenominal, too. Bonus)

Post # 22
Member
269 posts
Helper bee

 

This is my 2nd time around. I have my 1st time around to compare and contrast. 

My 2nd time around, the relationship happened by itself. I met my current SO a month after my wedding. The moment we talked, I knew that had I met this man earlier, then I would not have married my ex-hole. My SO just seemed like a breath of fresh air in a sea full of deadweight men.

I fought against that feeling for the next 5 YEARS! I continued on in my sh*tty marriage. My experience with my ex-hole was such that I was obssessed and infatuated with him. I mistook those feelings for love. I knew he was not the best to me, neither was his family, who was extremely disrespectful towards me. But I thought that I have had worse relationships so this is as good as it gets. That was the wrong way to think. And of course it ended in a nightmarish marriage and subsequent separation.

I have had no such feelings with my current SO. This is his second time around also for a very serious, marriage minded relationship. He has had relationships prior to me that were lengthy but he was never so in to them to end up wanting to procreate. Needless to say, they did not last. 

When we met each other, things just fell right. And even after my 5 year stint with a sh*tty marriage and a baby from that, my current SO never gave up his hopes and dreams to one day be with me. And life just took all kinds of strange turns and put us in direct path of each other.

I feel that had I not gone through this purgatory mess, I would not have learned to appreciate my current SO to the extent that I do now. Of course i would appreciate him but the sh*tstorm added a whole new element to this appreciation.

Post # 24
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Because everything felt right when we were together, and every next step felt easy. I’ve never questioned any of it. 

Post # 25
Member
7435 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

mindzoo :  

Ugh.  A lifetime of that will make you insane.  My Dh is a terrible procrastinator and it is a flaw I really can’t stand.  He just doesn’t get it.  He procrastinates about everything and he cannot see how much that has held him back in life.

Anything that annoys you now will be magnified to the nth power when you’re married.

Post # 26
Member
269 posts
Helper bee

mindzoo :  Bee, you keep your options open for a while. I do not want to alarm you but I think if I write out some more life experiences then it will look like I am scaring you.

My ex behaved in a similar fashion to your guy. However, he did have a sh*tty family to begin with and was neglected since he stepped in to this world on Day 0! His mother was depressed at the time and ignored him and she does not have any qualms about stating as such. His parents were always fighting (physically too!). He grew up in abject poverty. Etc. etc. So a lot of factors in his life played a part in him becoming ruthless or as I like to think…. incapable of loving because he did not know love.

Up until I met him, I thought the opposite that because his life was devoid of love then he would have greater appreciation for it. However, he never experienced it and it was a foreign concept to him so he never took to it. The worst hit was on my mother who treated him better than she treats her own kids. I can’t even bear to state what he did to her. I wrote it and erased it.

So if a guy even remotely behaves like this fool did, I get scared for the ladies even though no two men are the same. It’s just something I don’t want anyone to even have the possiblity of experiencing what I went through.

Post # 27
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee

mindzoo :  Bee, all one has to do is look at your post history to know this guy isn’t for you. You are so clearly uncertain about him and question so many of his behaviors, at every stage of your short relationship. You are definitely settling. Leave him!  

Post # 28
Member
7435 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

queenie8119 :  

This is a trap we women fall into over and over.  Men with (allegedly) terrible childhoods.  It taps our tender, compassionate natures, to our own detriment.

We don’t have relationships, we have reclamation projects.  And they’re always doomed to fail.  Licensed professionals can’t make a dent in them, but we cling to our magical thinking.  Too many movies have sold us the sack of Bandini about the troubled man being saved by the love of a good woman.  That’s the movies.  It’s make believe.

All of us who are prone to being suckerooed in by one of these sad sacks who just needs a Good Woman would do well to do some serious soul searching.  All of that do-gooding has a shadow side.  It takes a very strong woman to dig deep and face that part of herself.

 

Post # 29
Member
5509 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

hikingbride :  Your experience sounds just like mine. It was all just so easy with my husband. I never had to play any games or hide part of myself from him. I was just ME and it was great! I had been in a relationship for 5 years beforehand (off and on) and while the guy was actually really nice and caring and there were no obvious issues in our relationship, I still didn’t feel 100% like myself. Like I was putting on a certain girlfriend persona the whole time. It was exhausting but honestly I figured that’s just the way it was. I had no idea I could be completely and entirely myself with another person. My husband feels exactly the same way.

Going strong for over 7 years now and just had our first child together!

 

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