(Closed) How did you know your ex was NOT “the one”?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I knew my ex wasn’t the one because I had to be strong for him all the time, and he was never strong for me. I gravitate towards the caregiver role, but I realized I need a partner who can take care of me as much as I take care of him.

Post # 4
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

There was a lot more to it than this, but in the end it came down to the fact that being with my ex made me more unhappy than happy. The relationship just wasn’t worth the bad times. 

With my Fiance, no matter how bad it’s gotten, I’ve never wanted to end it. To me it means a lot that at our worst, I still want to be with him. 

Post # 5
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was in one serious relationship that had talked about engagement and possible marriage before this one. 

It was my high school sweetheart – although not in a traditional sense. Our first date was prom, even though we had been friends through most of high school. 

How I knew he wasn’t the one? 

(Maybe TMI?) 

I was in a very very bad place after having dealt with a sexual assault. I was very emotional, and not connecting very much on a physical level – I wasn’t being a teenage who gives PDA everywhere. When he realized I needed him not back off – he got angry and launched into a fit about how ” I owed him (sex)” because we had been dating for so long.  It didn’t matter to him that I was giong through an emotionally trying time. 

Post # 6
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

I sincerely thought I was going to marry my highschool sweetheart- until I went to college and realized that I hadn’t lived enough yet. He’s a wonderful person, but we really grew into different people. We still keep in touch.

I’ve had multiple exs, but the only one that got serious enough that we lived together (aside from FI) I think I subconciously knew it was doomed from the start. Even before he and I got together I told me friend “It would never work, but we’d have awesome sex.” Pretty much sums up the relationship; firey and passionate with no rhyme or reason.

Post # 7
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

he slept with someone else??? lol It was a given seeing how she was 13 and the sister of his ex girl friend that he had knocked up… yup I’d like to think it was a good call on my part breaking that one off πŸ˜‰

Post # 8
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@miss.nicole:  Not sure if this is “knew he wasn’t the one” or “knew I was gay” – but we had sex, and he told me “I LOVE YOU”  and I legit threw up.  I vomited. 

Post # 9
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have had a total of 3 boyfriends, and one will be my husband in less than a month! Yay πŸ™‚ 

The first one was my “first love” and my high school sweetheart. We dated from the time I was 14 until I was 18. We both did A LOT of things wrong in that relationship, but I ultimately knew he wasn’t the one because he lied about everything. Small things and big things. Oh..and he also stole from my parents. If that’s not a deal breaker I don’t know what it is. 

The second one was in college, I was 18 when we started dating. I was never fully myself around him. My parents knew from the beginning that it would never work. I was constantly trying to please him and he never put any effort in. 

My fiance is the best man I have ever met. He’s helpful, caring, a good listener, and a great father. I fell in love with him instantly, and there hasn’t been a moment where I have looked back. He makes me feel treasured and loved. I just cannot wait to marry him πŸ™‚ 

Post # 10
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

@jacinda10: Probably wasn’t too funny at the time, but wow that made me LOL!

Post # 11
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

He ployed me to move in with him with the talk of marriage. I was head over heels for him. When I did move in he constantly ignored me and used me for bill money and cooking, otherwise I was nothing more to him than another accessory in the apartment. I was young and naive. We lasted about 3 months after I moved in. Thank goodness my name was not on the lease!

I’d wager to add that he was also emotionally abusive, but it was very subtle.

Post # 12
Member
4038 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@miss.nicole: Youch, yeah, that would be a big sign!

The easy answer is that he choose another girl over me, but we’d had an on-again, off-again open relationship.

The more complicated answer is that I had no self-confidence with him (or in general). I was “okay” with him sleeping with other girls (I think it was 3 girls over 3 years, but he left me for the last one) as long as he came home to me. I made it easy for him to walk all over me and take me for granted.

On How I Met Your Mother the other night, Robin said (paraphrasing) that relationships need two things to succeed, chemistry and timing. Ex and I had chemistry in spades, but bad timing. 

Ironically, I think now, we’d have a much better chance of succeeding, now that I have the backbone and self-confidence to be a more equal partner, and to demand things like fidelity, but I have those things now in large part because of Darling Husband. 

 ETA: He’s The Ex…if he had asked me to marry him then, I would have said yes. And would probably be divorced by now. 

 

Post # 13
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He just never seemed to “get” me. He was perfectly nice, treated me well, and I really thought I loved him and that he loved me, but looking back I realized that I never fully felt like I could just be myself around him. He didn’t get my jokes/silliness, he didn’t notice the little things about me that make me feel appreciated, he didn’t connect with me in a way that no one else had before. He was just the best boyfriend I had had at that time, so I thought he was amazing, when really, he wasn’t it for me.

Post # 14
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I knew he wasn’t the one when we started planning our first vacation and he flat out refused to leave the US  saying “why the hell would I want to see any place else?  The US has everything I’d ever want to see!”    Maybe a superficial reason, but considering I moved overseas a year later and haven’t really returned yet, seven years on, I’d say exploring the world is a pretty big part of my life.  

Breaking that down a bit better, he wasn’t willing to compromise, was extremely close minded, and without sounding too snobby, he wasn’t that intelligent, or rather, had no interest in intellectual things.  Not to mention that when he got angry (which was often) he usually swore at me and would call me names – not ok buddy.  

We broke up a few months after I moved to London when I was 25.  Thank goodness that job opportunity came up because I think he was wearing me down and had I not left, I probably would have married him and been either divorced by now or incredibly unhappy.  Instead, I met the man of my dreams who is everything I could have hoped for and more; we travel the world together, and spend our evenings reading and conversing about things going on in the world, politics, history, and a plethora of other topics that interest us both.   All I can say to that ex is thank you for showing me exactly what I do NOT want in a partner!

Post # 15
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have… 7 exes, ha. Let’s see…

#1: My high school sweetheart. Were inseperable for two years, then decided to attend different colleges. Big mistake. We were heartsick without each other, but he took it really hard. I was pre-med at the time, and I had ridiculous biology and chemistry courses. I didn’t have time for 5-hour phone conversations every night. And, too, I was meeting new people in my extracurriculars, including the man who eventually became ex #2, haha. I do think if #1 and I had gone to the same college, we would have made it. He didn’t believe in marriage, though, and while I was okay with that back then, I think I’d have a problem with it now. I would say it was just not to meant to be.

#2: Together about two years, with a 2-month break in between (when I dated ex #3). This guy was The Ex. I was crazy in love, infatuated, in-whatever, that’s what I was. He was possessive and passionate and dramatic and intelligent and romantic and slightly arrogant, very jealous, and quite selfish. He stole my heart and then made my life hell with his jealousy, distrust, and emotional ups-and-downs. I would have married him, and I would have been happy and miserable all at once. He broke up with me after I transferred to a different college. I can see, now, how his possessiveness and jealousy would have caused a LOT of problems for us down the line. He just didn’t trust me, and that would have never worked out.

#3: This guy felt about me the way I felt about ex #2. I’ll be honest, he was so good to me – good to me in a way that ex #2 never could have been. He treated me like something precious. I wanted to love him, because he would have been the right choice, but I just… didn’t. He was my best friend, but that was it. I couldn’t lead him on and make him think I felt love when I didn’t, so I broke it off and went back to my previous boyfriend.

#4: Total rebound from ex #2. I dated this man because he was easy to be around. He wasn’t that smart, and he was awkward socially, but he did his best to be nice and he genuinely cared about me. He’s my daughter’s father. Two years into our relationship, when she was four months old, I finally started coming out of the funk that ex #2 had left me in, and I realized that #4 had absolutely nothing that I wanted in a man. In fact, I started to feel a lot of disdain toward him, because personality-wise, he was just not the type of person I was actually attracted to.

#5: Awesome guy, but again, the love just wasn’t there. Sexually, we were a great match, but there’s got to be more than sex to make a relationship last. I’d hoped to preserve our friendship, but apparently he’d been harboring intense feelings that I was unaware of, and his reaction to our breakup was… alarming. So yeah, definitely just a bad match there.

#6: Another awesome guy. We started off as FWB, and just when it was starting to get the intense emotions, he informed me that he had, without my knowledge, applied to a graduate school on the opposite coast and been accepted. We broke up about a month later, and a few months after that he moved away to start his new life. I didn’t appreciate being misled like that, and I wouldn’t have wanted to stay with someone capable of keeping such a big decision from me.

#7: Also a great guy, but way hung up on his ex. We were long-distance, so it was hard seeing each other anyway, and then he had all these emotional barriers from his relationship with her. I tried, but it was just too hard trying to get him to see past his memories. And then I met my current SO, and that was that.

Wow. Looking back, it doesn’t feel nearly as tumultuous as it sounds when I write it down. Yikes! I like to think I at least got a lot of personal development out of those experiences πŸ˜›

Post # 16
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

We lived together for 2 and a half years but as soon as I lost my job and couldn’t afford my half of rent he kicked me out.  And after being together 4 and a half years he told me he still couldn’t see himself marrying me.  Then he moved to Japan to teach and was planning on staying at least 5 years.  I spent a long time thinking he was The One, too.  I found my Fiance right after my ex dumped me. πŸ™‚

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