- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
How old were you when you realised your mother was difficult, emotionally manipulating and sometimes mean? A bit of a bully even.
What have you done since to try and deal with the emotional scars that she has left?
I have not had a proper relationship with my mother since I was a teen, but I have literally in the last two weeks just broken away from her and her emotional manipulation and guilt. And I am not sure how I feel.
I feel saddness for the relationship that has been lost, but in reality it has never really been there, I have always feared her. I remember dreading shopping trips with her because I hated being alone with her. If she was not in a good mood it was a painful experience and even if she was in a good mood she could flip at and moment.
I understand logically where her anger, fear, pain and lack of trust all comes from, but I have finally reached the point where her behavior cannot be tolerated any more. It was starting to affect my relationship with Fiance and I just could not have that following me into my marriage.
Its such a strange feeling, I am saddened to know that I have caused my father pain his life is very difficult at the moment due to his health problems and her behavior, the last thing I ever wanted was to cause him more hardship.
But I just could not take it any more. I am no longer just their daughter who tries to make everyone happy, who tries to keep ‘the dragon’ appeased. (nickname for my mother from my brother and I) I am a grown woman, engaged and starting a new life in a new country with my wonderful Fiance.
I felt I had to finally break her hold over me. And I have done, and my father thinks she will never forgive me. I knew that would happen, she holds grudges like no one I have ever known. She basically disowned me through a text. Again I knew her behavior would be poor.
But I don’t know if I feel anything. Shouldn’t I feel something?
When I saw her a few months ago when I went home to visit she attacked me verbally, the moment the rest of the extended family had left. 4 days after I had returned after not seeing her for over 2 years.
Within ten mins I was beaten down, yes everything was my fault, yes all your problems are because of me I am so so sorry, Ill do anything you want blah blah. Completely caved. But aside from the anger I felt towards myself for not being able to articulate and defend myself properly I felt numb towards her.
She treats my father cruelly. She uses my brother as a slave. And she expected to be able to turn our wedding into her party, and then hold it over our heads for eternity. So we said no thanks, cancelled the wedding and we are go to try and do something ourselves.
I wish I had followed my instincts and never agreed to let them pay for it. They wanted it soon for my fathers sake, they could afford it so we should let them pay etc. But at what price? I knew it was a bad idea, Fiance knew it was a bad idea but wanted to do whatever I felt was right given the circumstances.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Still, now apparently she is out of my life. And I don’t know what I feel about that. She and my father gave me the best start in life anyone can ask for. But does that mean she owns me? Does that mean she can say anything she wants and be cruel whenever she feels like it? My father never did anything like that.
Its on my mind, how best to put it aside.