How did you save your marriage?

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Hi bee, sorry to hear its been difficult. We had to build on our foundation. It takes some figuring out what works and what doesn’t. A healthy marriage has conflict but deals with conflict in a respectful healthy manner

Its worth understanding if (when he says he doesn’t want to spend time with you) is he really wanting to not put forth any effort and be a partner anymore? Or is he just frustrated and its the frustration coming out? Niether makes that statement OK but that must be established first. 

If its the frustration then theres hope. You need to be fair with each other and be the best partner you can both be. ie., no tit for tat. When hes nasty, for you to be nasty back wouldn’t accomplish anything and will only escalate. It takes 2 people to argue. Be productive in approach, calm and mature and use your words to work through the problem. But be firm on letting him know which comments, tones, etc. are unfair and need to stop. Ask why hes upset and try to figure out why hes feeling that way, then work through that. If he is motivated this will with time change. Admit when you may have been wrong, harsh or said something out of context and apologize. Coming from experience. Hubs and I both had a couple bad habits we needed to break. Takes time.

A few pointers: No threats (that is dangerous and hes got to stop that), avoid bringing others into martial conflict. Comments about hanging out with you and how that exhausts him is cruel and unfair, needs to stop that too. Needs to stop ‘running’ from the marriage instead of dealing with the issues (thats a rookie mistake to be fair). Counseling doesn’t always work but good to explore. It works for some

Post # 5
Member
1127 posts
Bumble bee

vowstowoes :  he could be gaslighting you or maybe you are just a bit more sensitive than most. Either way, a professional, and only a professional, can diagnose you with any physical/mental health issue. Just focus on you and staying well. I bet it feels like your life is falling apart but try to practice self care — take care of yourself and do what makes you feel even remotely happy. Once you see a professional, then you can start to repair your marrriage. Your husband sounds apathetic so I doubt he’ll try to work through things before you can see a counselor. 

Post # 6
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I’m going to be 100% honest here.  I don’t think this marriage can be saved, nor is it worth saving.

I read through your other thread, and I just think this man does not love you.  It sounds like he doesn’t even like you, and he sure as hell doesn’t respect you.  He calls you toxic, he makes excuses to avoid counselling, he refuses to read marriage books because he “has to finish the Bible first” (Why?  Does he want to know how it ends???  There’s no deadline on Bible study while his marriage falls apart around him!) and he is already planning Christmas away from you. This is not a man wanting to save anything.

You’re young.  You could have 60-80 years left.  You shouldn’t spend them with someone who treats his wife like this, even if they’re having trouble.  Leave and start over.

Post # 7
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

It seems like he might be an overly logical person who perhaps doesn’t respect your feelings.

But don’t just up and leave. Definitely work this out through counseling. If he is resistant toward counseling, then definitely attend sessions yourself. 

I think he does care about you, but he isn’t very tactful or great at expressing his emotions properly or communicating. He seems very angry, but anger is only a coverup for sadness, anxiety, and other emotions. 

As someone who wants to become a therapist someday, I definitely believe that many couples, and problems faced, can be weathered through. It takes a lot of time and a lot of counseling and self-awareness, but it can be done. 

I would say to avoid those who just say you should leave—it’s easy for them to say because it’s not their relationship. This is your life, and only you can decide for yourself wether to stay or leave. But again, as someone who has seen people go through nasty and toxic and difficult years together and come out stronger and more united, I would say that many of these issues can be resolved through counseling. 

For now, understand that everyone, including yourself, including your husband, have limitations. It’s better to focus on areas where you two can find connection as opposed to trying to force him to grow in areas where you’d want him to. You can’t make him attend counseling, read marriage books, etc. Find common ground and things to connect over—an activity, a sport, a movie, a one-day vacation—anything. Many men will mellow out throughout the months and reconsider all the suggestions you’ve said in the past about wanting to fix the relationship. 

Don’t lose hope. You two will work this out. 

EDIT: It sounds like you take on other people’s problems and emotions as your own. One way to avoid becoming too affected and “stuffed” by their problems is to create energy boundaries. It’s a bit challenging to do, but your therapist will be able to set guidelines on how to not let other people’s energies drain you.

It’s not a hormonal disorder, but rather you have a gift of high empathy. I suggest reading THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON and THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON in LOVE. 

Post # 8
Member
797 posts
Busy bee

One of my close guy friends gave me a great piece of advice whenever I was struggling in my relationships and that has stuck with me:

Men bond over doing stuff, rather than talking. That’s not to say that you can’t and shouldn’t talk, because you can and you should, and I would say it’s absolutely essential to get your relationship back on track.

It’s just to remind you that men’s brains are wired differently and and they respond much more positively when they have an activity to focus on and a goal. That was why I made the earlier suggestion of finding fun activities to do together and bond over – whether it’s fixing the house, or walking the dog, or getting new furniture or appliances, or playing a sport or hobby, or picking a movie. Men are great at this stuff – it makes them feel good about their ability to get something done, and it will help you to bond and create happy memories.

Post # 9
Member
10033 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You sound like you’re in the middle of some heavy gaslighting, bee.

Post # 10
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

So, maybe I just didn’t read enough of your previous posts or maybe I am just not getting it….but I don’t understand why you think your marriage is so far in the gutter. Your first post, you said the problems were minor and then you bought marriage books which seemed to make the issues more than what they were and then the issues turned into he wouldn’t read the book with you? It seems like you might be the one escalating these issues. But I could be totally wrong.

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