(Closed) How did you survive a rough patch? Please Share

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Through the six years we have been together, we have hit a handful of rough patches.  We basically sat down, said this isn’t working, and decided that we both wanted to fight for the relationship.  So we decided mutually that couples counseling was the way to go.  Honestly, best decision we ever made.  We plan to continue throughout our marriage, even if it just means checking in. 

Perhaps start by writing a letter (can be to your Fiance or even yourself) about the areas of your relationship that you are struggling with.  Also, I would disclose that you are coping in an unhealthy way.  Also, I would try on your own to work on your coping skills, i.e., exchanging your negative habits for positive ones.  Instead of having a drink, go for a walk, or write in a journal, or call a friend or family member.   That way you are in the best position to help yourself and your relationship. 

Good luck!  Relationships are tough work. 

Post # 4
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

This time last year, I was seriously considering an end to my relationship. My Fiance has dealt with some serious depression and lack of motivation issues, and no matter how hard I tried to help him things wouldn’t get better and we’d continue to have the same repetition of arguments. Intimacy went completely out the window, and out of desperation I semi-emotionally cheated on him with a coworker (fortunately, it was the night before said coworker moved across the country so nothing really came of it, which I will always be thankful for).

Even after we got engaged in March, the same issues reared their heads again and brought new friends with them and we almost broke it off during the summer.

Basically, it came down to two things:

1. He needed help to deal with his depression and lack of personal motivation. He’d get SO DOWN on himself and refuse to let me help him, which put us both into dire straits and solved nothing. So he got some help, and we also began to work on our communication to really solve things. It also helped that he finally graduated from college, which was really hard for him to do and contributed a lot to his lack of self worth. Now that he’s working full-time and actually seeing success, he’s a lot happier.

2. I had major dependence issues. He left for about a month and a half this past summer, and we had a lot of nasty fights over the phone during that time. He was a little too harsh in his manner, but he did manage to show me that I had become far too dependent on him for every little thing. I need to maintain my independence and be able to take care of myself so that he doens’t have to worry constantly when he isn’t around.

It was a lot of talking. A lot of tears. And a LOT of thinking on my part, and I know on his as well. Like you said, every rough patch is different because every couple is different. But that’s how we dealt (and continue to deal) with ours. Some of the issues we faced aren’t completely dead and gone, and now that we can afford it we plan to enter couples counseling this spring to continue working on them and learn how to face our problems better.

Post # 5
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I second @LeahP: couples counseling worked really well for us.  When we hit a rough patch, we were fighting in a really unhealthy way.  I like to drag arguments out and replay them over and over and Darling Husband just shuts down.  He would say things like “I won’t argue aobut this”.  Our counselor gave us a lot of concreate/measurable ways to work on our relationship and it was INCREDIBLY helpful.  Do you think your Fiance would go?

If it’s not too intrusive, what kind of issues are you guys having? Financial? Wedding planning? On different pages about life? It might help other bees give advice:)

(((((HUGS))))))

Post # 6
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We hit a semi-rocky patch lately because we were both stressed and overwhelmed…new job, last semester of school, planning a wedding, adjusting to combined finances…..it was a lot going on in a short amount of time, and neither of use were making the effort to put the other person first. Not by choice, simply out of exhaustion. We finally had a breakdown and spent several weeks discussing things every.single.day. We put everything else on the back burner and got back to basics. The most important thing for us was talking, talking, talking. We had a lot of uncomfortable, difficult conversations but we kept at it. We are happily back in a good place. It’s easy to take the other person for granted. It’s easy to let life come in between the two of you. I never realized how hard relationships can be, and how much work you have to be willing to put into it. Keep trying. Spend time together, every single day. Be nice to each other. Hug. Have date nights. Do fun activities you used to enjoy together. For us, it was focusing on those things that got us back to where we needed to be. 

 

Good luck! 

Post # 7
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@mrs_g.mck: this is pretty much how we dealt with it as well. Talked everything to death, made sure we were on the right page. Went on dates a lot, and just invested a lot of time and communication into our relationship. Now, we can talk about anything, and help each other through it. I am going through a rough patch right now, and he is helping me cope with it. Its really going to make our marriage a lot stronger. I can honestly say that my husband has proven again and again over the years just how lucky I truly am to have such an amazing person by my side

Post # 8
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I think our love and connection was the underlying reason we survived our rough patches. It was what motivated us to work through things. We knew our relationship was worth weathering the bad times, and worth saving. Working on our communication was the means of getting there.

As corny as it is, we started with Men are from Mars Women are from Venus and that kind of evolved into a full on effort to improve our communication and understanding of each other. I think communication and perspective are key and should always be an ongoing effort. Where we’d once worked against each other out of frustration, resentment and not feeling validated, focusing on these issues helped us to team up and work through things together again.

Post # 10
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

We recently hit a rough patch – a huge one! Our relationship actually started to turn (emotionally) abusive. Basically our communication was terrible and getting worse by the day it seemed.

So, we went to church. I know this option isn’t for everyone, and I respect everyone’s beliefs, but it truly helped us. The first day we went the preacher actually preached about repairing broken relationships and better communication…

We are doing SO much better now. We are communicating better, we don’t fight much at all and when we do the fights don’t become abusive like they used to. We are just so much more in love than we were. In fact, I don’t think either of us have ever been happier.

If that doesn’t work for you, I’m sorry, but it’s the best advice I can give. But IF you are Christian and aren’t in church, I would recommend atleast trying that and maybe pre-marital counseling by a pastor (only if Fiance is willing too. It takes two, and you both have to want the relationship to change for ANYTHING to work. But sometimes you need help, and church was that help for us) Also, there’s a movie called Fireproof. It’s a Christian movie about a failing marriage. It will definitely open your eyes and heart and I can’t recommend that movie enough!

Again, I’m definitely not trying to preach to you or anyone on here, and if you don’t believe in God, I respect that. That’s just what worked for us.

Good luck, hunny!

Post # 11
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Whenever we hit a rough patch, I really, REALLY try to just let it go and NOT talk when either one of us is angry. I can easily give it 1 day, 2 days, 3 days, whatever it takes. And it took a LOTTTTTTTTT of effort on my part to do that.

Then, when we are ready to talk, we talk. One talks, the other listens. No judgements of any kind. A lot of sensible stuff comes out at this point which wouldn’t have, had we both been on an emotional high-horse when we were trying to talk. As a matter of fact, most of the time, we happen to see each others’ views a LOT CLEARLY this way and the rough patch blows over quickly.

I do not turn to crying or drnking, or eating, etc. It takes a LOTTTTTTTT of effort but I try to work out. Just 30 minutes even. (Hello Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred!) I ABSOLUTELY HATE the thought of working out when I am down in the dumps. But I still make that effort to put on my workout gear, pop her video in and start. Once I get going, so MUCH of my energy gets taken up by her that it’s amazing how less depressed I feel aftewards!!! Also, I try to do yoga. It REALLY massages the heck out of your muscles and nerves and you can FEEL the tension slipping off.

I also will treat myself to Starbucks. I’ll go for a walk to it with my head phone and upbeat music. Sit and sip a cup of some low-fat/non-fat latte and just BREATHE…….

If you noticed, I used a lot of ‘I do this, I do that…’ and not so much abt what Fiance does. But if your Fiance is anything like mine, he will just shut out and/or play PS3. Which IS his coping mechanism, just like mine is the above.

But at the end of it all, whatever day we feel ‘comfortable’ to speak, we do. We give each other a LOTTTT of space. I think that is extremely important rather than trying to always solve issues ASAP. (I used to be like that and we’d only end up putting bandaid solutions.)

Also, most important, keep other ppl out of it. Try not to do what someone ELSE tells you to do abt the issues you are having with your Darling Husband. YOU should be the deciding factor on whether you two need to work things out or leave each other, etc.

Taking advice is ok but do not follow it blindly just cuz you think that you know this person for so long and they will probably want the best for you. Or that you can’t think clearly but this ‘loved one’ can think on your behalf. NO ONE is in that relationship but your Darling Husband and you therefore you should be calling the shots. If you two cannot think clearly then do the above to reach a point where you can. Just don’t let anyone else tell you anything or put any kind of seeds in yoru head. You’d be surprised how wildly such thoughts can manifest when you are down in the dumps. And you’ll end up saying or doing something that you did not intend. (Good OR bad is subjective to your relationship.)

Post # 12
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@BrnSgrGrl:

I’ve been with my now-husband for almost 5 years and in that time, we hit a few rough patches. We are both very passionate, expressive fighters, so we had to learn how to calm down and express our feelings without all the dramatics. I thinking writing your feelings down helps. I wrote him a letter about how I felt once, and then we were able to go over it together, and it led to a great discussion.

Also, in a rough patch, it’s hard to feel all warm and fuzzy about the person. I always try to revisit good memories we have together, like old cards or pictures, to remind me that this is someone I love and not just someone I can’t relate to. Holding on to love in rough patches is what makes you make it through the other side.

 

Post # 13
Member
1695 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

When me and my Fiance hit a rough spot, we did the same as futureMrsMasonWe also went to church and through church found other couples to mentor us.  I think as long as you’re both willing to make it work, it WILL work. 

That being said, it’s important to communicate, but not attack. 

Both of you have to be willing to listen to each other. 

You have to be willing to let down your pride. 

It’s not about who is right and who is wrong.  It’s about staying together and meeting each other’s needs. 

Love is an action, not a noun.  It is a achoice we make every single day. 

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@BrnSgrGrl: I think that was wonderful. You did a great job at using “I” statements and not attacking him. Once again, good luck!

Post # 16
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Right now it feels like our rough patches are only a few hours, so we’re very lucky. We had a rough patch in the late Spring. My health was having issues and I’m not very good at letting others step up and help me.. which he wanted to do. I’m very much likea  cat – when i’m sick I want to go away alone to die (well, be sick inmy case). Plus work was stressful for him and then he let his older brother (with a PhD but unemmployed) move in, and shortly after that I moved in. I felt like we couldn’t eevn have discussions anywhere. 

We worked on our communication. I really swear by the 5 Love Languages books – I realize it’s not for everyone and he has a Christian angle (but you can totally work it without religion coming in). Learning my language and his, and how to work with that helped a lot. I really worked on understanding that when he is upset he shuts down and also reeeally takes his time to speak. That makes me think bad things, so I had to learn that he is choosing his words carefully and to be patient. I also had to learn to not just freak out and blow a gasket.

If it’s really bad, how about counseling? 

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