(Closed) How did your relationship with your spouse differ?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
14494 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think for us it was just timing, we were both in the right place in our lives and I don’t think that with other long term relationships either of us was in the right place to get married.  Sometimes financial, sometimes career, sometimes family, just a whole bunch of reasons.  I think that if I had met up with any of my exes at the same time I met up with Darling Husband I would probably have a similar relationship as I am prettty much the same person I was and I really have dated pretty similar guys. 

Post # 4
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I don’t know if it was because he was the right person, or because I was at a point in my life where I was ready for a good, adult relationship, but I was totally myself with Darling Husband.

With past BF’s, I wasn’t always 100% myself.  I compromised on things, pretended to like things I didn’t, was embarassed about things in my past and didn’t share, etc…  We can be serious together, silly together, just however I am feeling. 

I read this quote the other day and it really struck a chord with me:
“Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.”–Rose Franken

Post # 5
Member
6018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Ours is a bit interesting since this is our second time together. We were together for 6 years and had a child. Then broke up for two and are now happily together again and on the verge of getting engaged. I can say that our relationship before and our relationship now are two different worlds. There were a lot of issues before that were a combo of life situations we were dealing with at the time, being young and stubborn, and also just not really valuing ourselves and each other. I think for us it was very conscious choices that made things different. We sort of knew exactly the things that helped us fall apart before and have worked really hard to smooth those things out. We are a couple that did not just naturally fit together. We are complete opposites and we function very differently as people. But the one thing we have always had in common was our very true love for each other. In that way we do go together naturally, so we made the choice to just commit to figuring things out and since then we have never been happier. Its a challenge and everyday we have to make choices to respect and uphold the things we have learned that make us work. We are not perfect but when you love someone like we love each other the work is worth it. So now that I have written a novel lol in answer to your question, yes we did many things differently, we moved slowly and started to really communicate more and I let him take a more traditional approach to us dating. I am an aggressive girl by nature and this time I really let him actually pursue dating me and romancing me and getting to know me before we just fell into a serious relationship. It was hard given that we have so much history and a child lol but it worked and I couldnt be happier. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I did EVERYTHING different.

After my 1st marriage I took ALOT of time to think about the kind of future relationship I wanted… ie. What kind of guy I needed (long-term) AND how I was relationally in the things I brought to the table.

I spent alot of time single working on me…… Idk, I just had this moment where I realized that even “if” Mr. Right walked through the door I would still likely act/react the same ways I did in my previous marriage even though this was a totally different situation & guy, SOOOOOOOOOOO I didn’t date until I started fitting into that “image” of “the relationship” I had in my head. <– (This made a HUGE difference in where my relationship ended up with Darling Husband.)

When I met Darling Husband we were friends for quite some time & when dating did become something that was on the table I was very upfront about my needs & expectations (after the 1st go round I just felt like wasting time & emotion for me OR him wasn’t something I wanted to do). Given the fact that we were already friends I didn’t really have to “dig” for his core values or how they matched/didn’t match mine so that eliminated alot of time & issues & after that we basically decided that everything else was more “choice” than anything else… at our core we hold the same values & everything else we choose to accept & love regardless.

It is funny though b/c aside from our core we are VERY MUCH OPPOSITE… so we compliment each other well & in the last 2, almost 3, years have helped each other grow alot in areas that weren’t our greatest attributes (ie… he’s helped me be WAY more merciful. lol)

Post # 7
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I had dated for several years, but never had a real “boyfriend.” When we started seeing each other I knew it felt different, but just assumed it was going to be another boy that I just “dated”– that is, until about 2 weeks in. It honestly felt different. I could actually see him being my husband one day. He had qualities that I looked for in a guy and was mature. I could stand being around him and even his quirks didn’t bother me, like some of the other guys did. He was loyal and I trusted him without question. We both had the same amount of goofiness to us that we could understand both of our weird senses of humor. Most other guys didnt. I know it sounds cliche but I knew from very early on that he would be my husband and that he became last September!!!

Post # 8
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

My relationship with Mr. LK was different than past relationships in pretty much every way possible. Instead of playing by “the rules”, I was 100% upfront and honest about my issues and hang-ups because I was done with the bs and the games that typically came with dating. And the way he treated me was different. He had pretty much no game, which was the most refreshingly attractive thing in the world. He was real, flaws and all. We were able to be our authentic selves with one another, and it just felt natural. In every other relationship, I always felt like I had to give everything and expect little to nothing in return. But with Mr. LK, he gives just as much as he receives, and he appreciates everything about me. Our relationship is equally loving, caring, and balanced. We take care of eachother in every way and can count on eachother in every situation. It’s amazing! 

Post # 9
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Ours kinda just..happened. We had been freinds FOREVER… like 8+ years.

He asked me to go get dinner with him one day and on the way told me it was a date. It scared me, and he noticed that I had gotten nervous, and he told me,

“we’ve gone out to get food just us  so many times, why are you scared because it’s a differnt word than “hanging out”? I am not any different, you are not any different, so why is it a big deal?  I am still going to make you laugh while you are drinking something and you will spit it all over the place ( its true, he does it all the time.) and hide your phone when you go to the bathroom.  And you will try and steal my juice and throw the straw wrapper/napkin  at me.  There’s no reason to pretend to be anything we are not, and just be us, you  and me, two friends that happen to be holding hands and kissing.”

I’ve been told by co-workers that they don’t think we’re real because we don’t fight,
that’s not true, we do, but we don’t run around screaming and bitching ot other people. We cool down, and then talk about whatever it is that bothers us I think being able to TALK to each other, being able to communicate your thoughts and feelings are important, and because we have such a background together, we know what to not do/say that will make the other shut down.  For me it is being yelled at, I blow up and shut down… nothing productive will come from that. For him, it’s jewish mother guilt, he shuts down and just mopes  and repetes “sorry.” 

Previous SOs were….kinda like a drug, you needed a fix and if you didn’t see them, hang out with them, talk with them,  I was a miserable Bitch.

I had to do a little bit of work on myself and say you know what, I am awesome, I do not need anyone to make me happy, I need to make myself happy and if I am not happy with ME alone, I will not be able to make anyone elce happy.  I love Spending time with Mr. Birdie.  we can spend 24/7/365 toghether and not get sick of each other. However, we both have very seperate lives, he likes karate, I love to dance.  He has friends he likes to hang with, and I go a few towns away everyso often to hang with my MOHS.

We Want to be together, we don’t NEED to be toghether, and I think that is a big difference.

Post # 10
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Every relationship I had before him was immature and shallow, from both sides.

 

Post # 10
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I was totally ablt to be myself. As a PP mentioned,in other relationships,I mademyself fit to what they wanted,and moulded myself around them. I thought that was what you needed to do to be loved. But with Darling Husband,I just felt like I didnt even need to. When we were dating,he was so quiet but always asking the right questions,and always interested in the answers. So I spilled a lot about myself than I usually would. I didnt feel the need to pretend. He also helped me work out who “me” is,since I was so used to being someone else,I got lost.

Post # 11
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

In past relationships i wasnt very honest about a lot of things and so eventually i would break it off because they didnt really know the real me. With my current relationship i wasnt really keen on getting into a relationship so i thought if i put everything out there up front and he still wanted to date me then i should give him a chance. I have also had that same attitude along the way. When something bothers me i make sure i tell him right away so it doesnt fester .

Post # 12
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Our first date was totally impromptu.  As in, I was wearing yoga pants and no makeup and he insisted he see me anyhow.  I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun in my whole life.  We were cracking up the entire time, at some point I was putting sticky notes on my forehead (it is important to mention that NO alcohol was involved in this date) and despite my appearance, when he saw me the first thing out of his mouth was “Hello, Beautiful” and I just KNEW that this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I can 100% be myself around him and I never have to worry about being judged.  I know I have his 100% support and I know that he has my back just as much as I have his.  The love and appreciation and respect we have for one another is always reciprocated, we aren’t ever afraid to say sorry or admit a mistake and quickly move on from it.  We laugh, A LOT, which never happened in any of my previous relationships. We have FUN and take time out for ourselves often.  

I was in so many bad relationships before I met my husband, and he’s THE ONE.  He’s everything the other ones weren’t:  kind, compassionate, attentive, loving, patient and a laundry list of others.  He’s said from the beginning “we fit like puzzle pieces” and he is right.

I think that Sarah had it right on:  I think it is about where you are in your life.  I was in a place in my life personally and professionally where I was totally and completely independant.  Hours of therapy after my ex had made me see the error of my ways and I was NOT looking for a relationship.  And then it happened.  And the rest is history!

Post # 13
Member
1323 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

My last boyfriend, I was 16. I was at that age where I knew I wanted to be a wife and mom, but my whole idea of getting there was based on The Fairytale. The guy I was with was very sweet to me, but very patronizing. He was really into The Fairytale too, so neither of us realised it, but he talked down to me, overexplained, babied me, but in the course of all that was a perfect gentleman. 

My Darling Husband is (of course) good to me, but always real. From the beginning, he’d get annoyed when I’d ask dumb questions to be cute, respected me more than patronized me (the two can be confused), argued with me, had real conversations that didn’t involve petting my head afterward. It has always been real with Darling Husband, and I feel like I can be myself, even if that’s not always cute or sweet, and he’ll still be okay with it.

Post # 14
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

For me, my relationship with my fiance was different from the very beginning because we were honest and open with each other from day 1.

No subject was taboo or not in the table. There were no games, no pretenses and we were EXACTLY who we were as individuals. We asked all the difficult questions such as finances, spending habits, communication styles, religion, politics everything.

 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I respect him.

That is a huge deal in a relationship.  When I get mad there is a line I would never cross because of that.  My last relationship I didn’t respect him as a Boyfriend or Best Friend.  Needless to say I would break up with him, he’d cry (losing respect from me again, bad I know) then I’d take him back.

When he cried he curled in a ball and would sob (while drunk because the first thing he would do is get stinking drunk).  Mix that with the fact I just broke up with the guy (so OBVIOUSLY I can’t stand the guy) so I’d get mad.  The next day he’d call and I’d feel so bad about how mean I was, so yep, I’d take him back. *I was young*

I’ve never dumped my Fiance.  I’ve never screamed at him.  I love him more than breathing.  I could never imagine spending the rest of my life without him.  When I close my eyes and see myself at 80 there he is sitting next to me. 

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