Post # 17
Maybe say something along those lines?
“look Mr. Shirlinjoon, I really want to talk to you how important getting engaged and eventually married to you, my true love. I am truly sorry if this kind of talk is uncomfortable for you. That isn’t my intention. I just want to have a frank and open discussion so that you and I can determine if we’re on the same page”
Post # 18
@Neva: I admire your method. I am in the whole “eventually” boat at this time–no doubt whatsoever that it WILL happen, just a question of is it going to be next year or 2 years?? I think the fact that I’m so vague about things in our conversations I end up feeling like I didn’t get any answers I was looking for–rather I get a response like “I promise it will happen soon, not 5 years from now, but soon,” etc. So I really do need to bluntly ask–what does soon mean?!
Post # 19
I’m really direct about it. No point in beating around the bush–I don’t really want to spend any more time waiting than I have to.
Post # 20
@aquawater: I was pretty direct too. A lot of what I said was “Where are we going, where’s this relationship going?” I feared relationship inertia more than anything. We’d been living together for about two years at this point and dating nearly 4. After we got engaged and my fears were quelled, he said that he always planned on proposing just unemployment got in the way at one point.
Post # 21
I’m very direct when I bring it up, but only bring it up about once every few months.
Last night did not go so well. -.-
Post # 22
I just tell him straight out what I’m thinking. I don’t like to beat around the bush. Were able to have an open conversation so for me it was no big deal. He knows when I would like to get married so now the ball is in his court.
Post # 23
Of course you should be direct. Men are not mind readers.
Post # 24
I’m direct as well..although it backfires when I talk about it too much. I just think that if a guy wants to marry you one day he should want to talk about it. I know he wants that, but I can’t seem to figure out how to approach it correctly.
Post # 25
@Shirinjoon: Pretty much, it came out of my mouth with a bit of heat and he was struggling for an answer. I received many different answers in the weeks after but now I’m definitely past wanting to talk about it at all. Which is both good and bad.
Post # 26
The first ever conversation was actually a knee-jerk reaction to one of his non-commital friends getting engaged. There was screaming and yelling and tears and it just wasn’t at all pretty. Since then, we’ve become more comfrotable calling things their propper names except at this point, engagement has become synonymous with buying a house so we talk about “when we buy our own place”.
Post # 27
We met online, which is a little different in that you kinda get the whole initial marriage/kids convo out of the way right away. So, I already knew he wanted to get married again. We had had the whole abstract marriage and kids conversations from the beginning. After about a year together I told him I wanted to be engaged before the end of the year. Which gave him 9 months. It was not an ultimatum just a general time line. He agreed, and I tried not to bug him too much about it in those following months. I sort of succeeded. :p
I am not a beat around the bush kinda girl. I had been in too many relationships up to that point where I did not feel comfortable saying what I wanted for fear of the guy running for the hills. I was 35, and ready to settle down. If he ran over a conversation about our future, he was not my man then. But that’s purely my perspective on my relationship. I’m not projecting anything onto yours. I totally get that it’s hard to put yourself out there, but I do think that if you are ready to consider marrying someone you should be able to talk to them about it directly. 🙂
Post # 28
Well since we went ring shopping in Summer 2010 I pretty much danced around the words propose/engaged/married up until the new year. After 2011 started I was tired of waiting and made it clear what I wanted, when, and why. Very straightforward from that point on. But in my defense I have the SO that doesn’t give a timeline. He won’t say exactly when (numbers wise) like it should happen within ____ months. Then I would be okay. But instead I have to set my own mental deadlines and he broke the last one only because he lost his job. But I know now he understands I won’t be breaking another deadline. Although he doens’t know when it is (our 4 year anniversary in August and I don’t want to wait that long but had to be fair since he just went back to work)….he is well aware how thin the ice is for me when it comes to continuing to wait.
You should definitely voice your position. Don’t give up or give in if they seem uninterested..push for the answers you want (within reason) that’s the only way to keep from going insane. I never did that so we used to have talks maybe once a month because I would feel like I left the convo with a big ? and I didn’t like that.
Post # 29
@moderndaisy: I think this is the right approach. You have to be firm from the beginning, I think. Fiance knew that I wanted to be married, and that I would not wait forever. I told him I wouldn’t even consider moving in until we were engaged because I am old fashioned.
Three months after asking me to move in and me replying with “I won’t do that until we are engaged,” I had a ring on my finger.
Post # 30
I was very direct… but, we both were from the very beginning. It was sort of easy for us because we only met because our best friends got married and we were the Maid/Matron of Honor & Bridesmaid or Best Man. LoL. So we’d been talking about weddings and marriage since our first date. It kind of evolved naturally when we started using the terms in reference to our own relationship…
Post # 31
i’ve been direct from the beginning. i don’t like to deal with vagueness so being direct is the only way i deal with important things like this. so we’ve both always used the words engaged, marriage, wedding and proposal since the beginning. makes things a lot eaiser since we don’t have to try to find meaning to any allusions.