(Closed) How do end my engagement…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t have any suggestions on how to handle this, but I have to tell you that whatever your decision is, don’t be emotionally manipulated into it.

Post # 4
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Presley19: to me, as soon as you ask yourself these questions, you know you have a serious issue. Having someone who loves you isn’t enough (in my opinion) to warrant a marriage. You’ll find many people who are willing to give you their love, but YOU have to decide if this person is the one. 

Someone who is verbally abusive, would not be the one (for me). Someone who is manipulative would not be the one either… 

Just my opinion, but I think you need to think long and hard before marrying a man from whom you are questioning such fundamental values.

Post # 6
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Only you can truly answer those questions. However, I do think you need to break the cycle of abuse.  I think counseling is in order at minimum and at the very least you need to seriously consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life.  If not, then you need to call of the wedding or at least postpone it IMO.

Post # 7
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Ya need to take a deep breath, and step back from this.

Basic Question… IF you were watching this as an outsider, and it was happening to your Mother, Daughter, Sister, Best Friend… what would you say to her ?

Is this person manipulating you ?

Do they have your best interests at heart, are they looking out for you… do they put your needs above their own ?

Is this a healthy relationship ?

As humans we are not perfect, we make mistakes.  It is possible to LOVE someone who although they FEEL right to us, are not healthy for us…

I had such a relationship for 25 Years… IF I knew in my early 20s what I’ve learned now about life at 50+ Years old… as much as I loved that person, I would have walked away…

And in the end saved myself a lot of pain, heartache and grief… (not to mention money… my Divorce was a huge fiasco that left me virtually homeless)

As someone who has lived a long life, I can assure you there is not JUST one soul-mate love for all of us.

There are a variety of types of loves… this is WHY you can see elderly people, who are widowed can find love again and start over…

It doesn’t mean they love their first spouces any less… their second loves are just different.

Marriage fulfills a lot of needs for us… Friendship, Lover, Companionship with common wants and goals… Children, Home, Vacations etc

Can you be happy with this person in the long run… for the next 10 years, 20 years, 40 years… facing lifes challenges and ups and downs.

Will they love you, support you, respect you… will each day with them be another you look forward to… or will it be difficult and emmotionally draining

These are the Questions you need to ask yourself NOW… BEFORE you make the commitment to marriage.

As I said, step back, take a breather, and look at it from afar, not from just close up as the Fiance.

(( HUGS ))


Post # 11
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@This Time Round:  THIS! I wish those of us who have been through long, abusive relationships could somehow spare all the young women who are about to travel the same painful path we walked. Your points are right on the mark. It can be so hard to see the whole picture when you’re in the relationship…until it’s too late. It may be painful to walk away now, but that’s nothing compared to what a lifetime of hurt can do to you. I wish I’d been able to talk to someone for this advice 30 years ago.

Post # 12
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Personally, I cant believe people are telling you to back out of or reconsider breaking up with him. 

Get out. You are obviously questioning your relationship and what kind of life is that? You want to be 100% all the time. I always hear that you know it is real love when you fight and you dont think that “this will be the end of us.” You instead think, “This is silly. But I still love him.” 

Break up with him quickly, sternly (not with anger, but with confidence), and go. Do not give him an excuse or lingering time to make you feel guilty or second guessing. The hardest part is saying the words. After that, you just need to distance yourself as quickly as possible. Make sure you have backup plans on places you can stay and be out of reach in case you live together or share a common space.

Good luck.  

Post # 15
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Presley19:  it’s good that you notice that there is a problem, that your fi is verbally abusive. 

i dated a guy that had low self-esteem and he was controlling & verbally abusive at times.  at first i just thought, ‘this guy can be an ass sometimes’.  he could be nice too so i was really conflicted.  i felt like i was always walking on egg shells at home.  i never knew when he would blow up.  friends didn’t know what he was really like b/c he always had this perfect facade.  after 7-8 yrs, i finally realized that i was being treated like crap and deserved better.  shortly after that i found my now husband.  he treats me with complete respect.

i know that it’s hard to make this change in your life.  i think that’s why i waited so long but i think about how much time i wasted with someone i knew i didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with.  you just have to take a deep breath and jump in.  don’t worry, things will be better for you.  you will be so much happier.

good luck.

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