(Closed) How do I address the sore subject?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9202 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

It sounds like you never really liked her just because you were insecure / jealous, rather than some specific reason about her.  It also sounds like your guy has done everything he can to make you happy about his relationship with her, short of ending it entirely.  My honest 2 cents is that you’re in the wrong here, but I come from a belief system of trusting my partner and not getting in the way of friendships with the opposite sex.  I would be super offended if he told me to end a friendship that was, from the sounds of it, entirely innocent…  Sorry this situation is hard for you though – hugs.

Post # 4
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

What did he do that was so wrong?  She texted him to recommend a movie for BOTH of you. You were BOTH invited to happy hour, and apparently he texted you the whole time…you chose not to go.  I don’t understand what the problem is.

Post # 5
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

What’s HH?

It seems like this isn’t going to go away, so someone has to compromise. Either you should try to be friends with her, or tell SO that you can’t handle having her around. 

FWIW, there is a reason why he wouldn’t want to hook up with a girl with similar interests – you. Has he done anything else to make you feel insecure? 

Post # 6
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@peachacid:  Exactly this.

In all honesty, I don’t see any wrong-doings on anyone’s part here. :/ I don’t think he should be expected to ignore every female that comes his way and it doesn’t sound like she’s shown any interest other than being friends with him, so I don’t think you have any reason to be jealous. I’d try to let it go. He’s planning on marrying YOU, not her.

Post # 7
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Does your SO know how this friendship makes you feel? In general, you guys just may need to get on the same page in terms of boundaries. That may help this situation and any potential issues in the future. It doesn’t sound like you have a reason not to trust him here, but you don’t want to have to worry like this again. Definitely something to try to work out sooner rather than later! 🙂

Post # 8
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sounds like the issues here are your insecurities about yourself.  You need to stop comparing yourself to her and thinking about why he would rather be with her – that’s entirely in your head, so stop projecting it onto him.  If he wanted to be with her, he would be.  

Post # 9
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

Usually when there’s issues like these posted on the internet, the writer biases it in their favor so people tend to side with them more… even WITH that, you sound 100% psychotic and jealous for no reason.

Seriously, step back, take a chill pill, and realize that you are not threatened by this woman who wants a friendship with you BOTH as a couple…

Post # 10
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Honestly, it sounds like you’re off your rocker over this girl because of your own insecurities. As in, inside you, not anything he’s done. It sounds like he’s done everything you asked… asked her not to text him late, etc. When he went out with her it was because you canceled on a group thing.

Low self esteem is a real bitch. It will eat you up when you look at her and think how much better she is for him, that he deserves someone like her. That’s you talking to yourself in your head. That’s not him, and it’s not her. That’s you.

And if you let that negative self talk make you into an insane, insecure, controlling woman that tries to dictate who your fiance can and can’t be friends with based on how you feel when you compare yourself to them it’s going to destroy your relationship.

I think you need to work on yourself here. Maybe get a counsellor. Fixing self esteem is hard because it’s subtle and insidious and often you don’t even realize that’s what’s going on. It’s not just about how you let other people treat you; it’s about how you treat and talk to yourself.

Post # 11
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Beeyoutifully Me: Why wouldn’t he want to be with her?

Well, good question. Why doesn’t he? If she was so enticing to him, wouldn’t he have tried to get with her before now? 

It’s hard to tell about things like this based on a message board post. A lot of times these jealousy posts don’t seem like they’re based on much other than a “feeling.” But sometimes all we have are weird feelings and they turn out to be right and a lot of other times these weird feelings are purely a function of our own insecurity eating away at us. So it’s truly impossible for any of us to say, but it sounds like there hasn’t been an objective reason for you to be so insecure about this friendship. The “problem” seems to be that she’s pretty and interesting. I like to think I’m pretty and interesting (Wink) and I would be sad if I couldn’t have a friendship with a man because of that!

Post # 13
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

The vast majority of my friends are male and I do hang with two of them quite a bit. One definitely more than my FH. That is because my FH and my schedules are so different. My one friend (male) frequently stays in our home (he’s in grad school and his family home is many states away) and my FH trusts me because he knows I love him.

Post # 14
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

You are insecure about yourself and it’s not healthy. I would try to get some help on that issue. The girl is not after your man and you man is not after her. They’re friends. Just like you and your girlfriends or him and his guy friends… it’s very unfortunate that she happens to be of the opposite sex, but don’t let that destroy your relationship.

MAJOR EDITING  you said

“FYI: My SO has other female friends from before that I have NEVER had a issue with.  They have stayed at our house and I stayed in theirs.  This “NEW” friend has been the first female friend I have EVER taken issue with.”

Then what is about her that bothers you so much? Is she overly friendly? Do you think has feelings for your man? What do you think of her as a “person”?

Post # 15
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

It still sounds like your insecure.  I don’t tell Darling Husband of all the new people I meet the second I meet them.  If this girl was a guy and you were out on international business would you be mad your SO didn’t inform you of his dinner plans with him?  Things come up at the last minute so maybe he didn’t have time to clear it with you first.  I hate horror movies too and Darling Husband is free to go with anyone he wants, just so long as it’s not me, I could care less, I can’t make him not go to them that’s ridiculous.  The only reason I can see to be pissed off that they weren’t at the bar he said he was going to be at, is if I went there to meet them and they weren’t there.  He said they were with someone else …. do you not trust him? If not sounds like a wonderful life of checking up on him and making irrational demands for EVER.

I have no idea what HH is.

Post # 16
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@aggie2010:  That was incredibly rude.

 

 

Anyways, yes you should be secure with yourself and your relationship but I know if my Darling Husband was uncomfortable with a relationship I had- whether or not there was reason for it- I would separate myself from the person I was friends with.

Now, most men don’t like confrontation so that probably has a lot to do with why he hasn’t said something to the girl.

If I were you, I’d just try get to know her… maybe one on one.

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