how do I apologize

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 61
Member
9534 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

califlorican :  people are not calling him a man child for playing video games. They are calling him that because he valued video games and strangers over the health of his very pregnant wife and the safety of very young children. Atleast you kinda get it in your edit. 

Post # 62
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

califlorican :  thanks for the update. 

I think it all depends on the circumstances. I don’t see a day of gaming as any different than a day of Superbowl parties or a baseball tournament. But there’s a time and a place for all that and spouses and children come first. If we changed ‘LAN party’ to ‘Superbowl party’ in this thread, I don’t think too many opinions would change, because OP’s husband sounds incredibly All About Himself, regardless of what his actual hobbies and interests are. 

Post # 63
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

califlorican :

I really hate when women don’t “allow” their husbands to do things they enjoy simply because it’s not the most convenient for them. Who cares if you have to spend one night in the living room? It’s one night, and I guarantee your son didn’t notice/care.

She is 9 months pregnant. I repeat, she is NINE MONTHS PREGNANT! Hell yes, she is not allowed to be “inconvenienced”!!  Least of all for something as useless as video games (and I’d say the same if it was sports, or a book club or literally any other activity in the world that doesn’t take precedence over her carrying a human child in her body!!!)

Post # 64
Member
9131 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I don’t care if my husband watches football all day once in a while. YES I fucking care if his watching football means I’m sleeping in the living room while super pregnant and also surrounded by strangers. 

The hobby doesn’t matter, it’s the complete disregard for his wife and children that matters. 

Post # 65
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee

livster :  

Why does it matter more because she’s pregnant? 

1) she still slept in a bed, not a couch or on the floor

2) it is one night 

 

I understand pregnancy sucks and is hard on the body. But she still got to sleep in a bed, so why does it matter so much that she’s pregnant? She was home and had she gone into early labor, one would hope her husband would’ve told the guys to leave and get her to the hospital. I think people are overdoing the whole pregnancy aspect of it; millions of pregnant women have been “inconvenienced” before and been fine. It doesn’t sound like she has any medical issues/concerns about the pregnancy, so if it is a normal pregnancy, I’m sure one night in a living room instead of in a bedroom will not be the end of the world. 

 

Her husband being rude to her over the phone when she brought up the night is what I have an issue with. He’s in the wrong for his attitude, clearly. Having the party though, not wrong since she DIDN’T TELL HIM NO. She’s an adult, she should have said how she really felt about it if she knew it bothered her.

Post # 66
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

califlorican :  

She got to sleep in a bed – in the middle of her living room with strangers passing by it.  With her two children. If you cannot understand how appalling it is that her husband would even suggest this, let alone go through with it, LET ALONE be angry at her for being inhospitable to these guests, I’m pretty much at a loss.

I do agree that she should have said no, but I know my Darling Husband would have the common sense and empathy to never suggest such a thing in a million years, in the first place.  Because he cares about how I feel over the feelings of complete strangers.

EDIT TO ADD: Also, the argument that “she was at home” does not hold if she felt unsafe there. The last place a person should ever be made to feel unsafe is in their own home. Particularly if it is by the actions of the very person who is meant to protect and cherish their home.

Post # 67
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee

livster :  

Yeah I didn’t say anywhere I thought it was ok that her husband had strangers over. He had met them, so clearly he thought they were fine, but obviously she felt uncomfortable and should have told him so when she found out there were people she didn’t know…I don’t understand why you think it’s rude for the husband to suggest it, when it could’ve all been avoided by her saying “I’m not comfortable with strangers coming over” and could’ve saved herself a lot of grief. How was he to know that she would be uncomfortable when he had already met them? 

Generally speaking, if my husband wanted to have people over, and that included one or two people I didn’t know but he had already met, I would trust his decision. I’m not saying everyone is like that, but I think it’s her job to tell him how she feels before it gets to the point of her being uncomfortable. 

Post # 68
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

califlorican :  From the OP she did initially decline and he kept “bugging her”.  That is already a problem: if I told my husband I didn’t want guests in the house (or vice versa), he would never continue to hassle me until I agreed.  Also, her discomfort was probably increased by the fact that his guests were so rude:

The day they arrived, the 2 friends did not bother to introduce themselves to me nor did my hubby introduce them to me. They simply walked into my house and made themselves comfortable.

Maybe if they, or her husband, hadn’t been so blatantly rude, she wouldn’t have felt so uncomfortable.

I don’t think anyone disagrees with your point that she should have spoken up, as an adult and equal partner in the relationship.  My only argument is that IMO he has the lion’s share of blame, because this situation was caused by his lack of empathy and consideration, and if anyone should be apologizing, it should be him for starting this mess.

Post # 69
Member
1609 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

califlorican :  

my husband having some people, including a couple that I don’t know, to play video games in the living room for a couple of hours one evening = perfectly fine. 

My husband having a bunch of 20 year olds, some I don’t know, playing video games all night in our bedroom and my 9 month pregnant self sleeps in our open living room with our 1 year old with these guys walking past to use the kitchen/bathroom = definitely not ok. 

Yes, she should have said something ahead of time but from her update it sounds like that was difficult, further confirming his man-child status. But regardless, that’s completely besides the point because any reasonable husband and father wouldn’t have put his wife and child in this position to begin with. 

Post # 70
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

califlorican :  you really don’t need to sleep in an open living room for a night or allow strangers to cook alone at your home in order to “allow your husband to do things he enjoys.” There are many ways for husbands (and wives) to do things they enjoy without putting their families at risk or kicking them out of their own bedrooms.

Post # 71
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee

happyowlbee :  

Please tell me how “at risk” she was, when her husband was in the house. This is ridiculous- her husband may have had bad judgment in having them there all night, but I highly doubt he would’ve allowed anything to happen to her. He probably allowed the guy to stay behind cooking because he knew she was leaving…which was her decision to do in the first place. We don’t know that he would’ve let him been there if she had decided to stay. 

Like I said, if my husband had me move the bed to the living room, I wouldn’t care since it’s only for a night. I understand others feel differently (apparently VERY strongly feel otherwise) and that’s fine. She should’ve said that she absolutely didn’t want them coming to their home, and that he could go to someone else’s house. That would’ve solved the issue.

Post # 72
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

 

duplicate

Post # 73
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

califlorican :  She would have been sleeping out in the open while guys she didn’t know walked back and forth, and while her husband was distracted playing games in the other room.  Doesn’t matter if her husband was in the house or what he’d “allow.” There was a clear risk to her, and she wasn’t comfortable with it.

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