Post # 1
Hey everyone – about to send out our invites, wedding is May 2019 eee!
I am very lucky to only have one potential issue from my invites and that is the fact I am not inviting my aunties (dads sister) sons. Please read a back story before giving advice.
My husband and I are having a large adult only wedding, he has a large family, we have loads of close friends, we dont have children of our own and have decided from day 1 that we wouldn’t be having kids at the wedding, except 2 flower girls (his nieces). My family is small, I am the eldest of my cousins, my father is the eldest of his two sisters who has kids way after I was born and my mother doesn’t have any family. My aunty (dad’s youngest sister) in particular has an 11 year old and 4 year old. My aunty was always wild, and shes a wild mother, she doesn’t discipline her boys and at every possible family event something is damaged or ruined by her eldest (maliciously) or her youngest has fits/tantrums/poops himself (he’s autistic which explains this behaviour so please don’t think bad of me I am just stating facts) the entire event is focused around their behaviour.
My h2b and I have lived away from home for over 8 years now so it’s sad to say that I don’t have much of a relationship with my two young cousins so not inviting them is not an issue from my side, I will not regret not inviting them, but I feel it will be an issue for her. You see I am inviting my other aunty (her older sisters) two daughters who will be 21 and 18 at the wedding but I know my aunty will throw this in my face as I am inviting her sisters kids (technically adults) but not hers. My aunty is known to be a little unreasonable when it comes to her two boys and honestly it wouldn’t suprise me if she showed up with them both even though their names aren’t on the invite.. Please don’t try to convince me to invite them, I am having no kids, there is adults that I want there but can’t afford to do so, my only two kids are my flowergirls who are both well behaved and my husbands neices..
so my questions goes..
Do I approach her about it before I send the invite or do I wait untill she asks me (I have never experienced anything like this with her so I am not entirely sure how she would react with me but when I told my mother I wasn’t inviting the boys she made a face like .. good luck and so did my gran!)
Please advise and also, advise on how to say/approach 🙂 thank you!
Post # 2
You can either include a note with your invitiations / on your website which states you are having an adult only wedding, or you can just adress the invite to her and let her know if she asks about the sons.
There is nothing wrong with having an adults only wedding and if some guests in the same circle (cousins) are over that age limit and not inviting the ones who are below.
If she doesn’t want to come then that is her issue.
Post # 3
Invite the guests you want. Have a response prepared if she confronts you about it. “We are unable to include the children. If that means you will be unable to attend, we will miss you at the wedding.”
End of disussion. Repeat as necessary.
Post # 4
I also didn’t invite my cousins because they were kids (12 and 13). Their mothers (my aunt and H’s aunt) were both upset by this. I stood my ground but they still brought the kids anyways. No seats for them, no dinner for them. Both sets of aunts and cousins left early because the kids were bored. Aunts proceeded to tell me they were upset they had to leave early. Welp, shouldn’t have brought your kids.
Anyways, don’t invite them. Send the invite to her only and if she brings it up, explain you’re not having kids at the wedding. Also, if she RSVP’s for them, reach out and explain. Your aunt will have plenty of time to arrange for care for the kids.
And she can’t really throw in your face the no kids thing if you’re inviting her sister’s adult kids. Everyone is someone’s kid, and they’re adults.
Post # 5
You can’t say you are having “no kids” when you are clearly having 2 kids. My honest opinion, it would be easier to draw this line if those kids weren’t invited. Then you are having a fully adults only wedding. I’m betting your aunt will see these two girls and be pissed that there WERE kids invited, just not hers. I don’t think there is going to be an easy way around this tbh. Just something you’re going ot have to deal with.
Post # 6
jemmlove12 : Are you able to offer child care in this situation?
Post # 7
You can’t say you’re not inviting kids when there are two in the wedding party. But you can always be HONEST. If your aunt asks, I would just tell her that her children’s behavior makes it impossible for you to invite them. She’ll either understand or tell you she’s not coming.
Post # 8
Your other Aunt’s kids who are adults don’t count as kids. Surely the Aunt with the ‘alternatively behaved” kids knows that they are not suited to elegant gatherings? Maybe she doesn’t care.
I say don’t invite them. I can’t see anyone sticking up for her, saying they want them there. If she brings them anyway, expect her to handle them and if she doesn’t ask her to take them home. Have someone who knows her well tell her.
Post # 9
Yea I agree with the other bee’s. Your not having and adult only wedding. Your flower girls are children. So you can’t use that. I would definatly bring it up before the invites go out. At least she would be prepared and not shocked. It’s your wedding. Simply explain it to her. Your an adult and she is an adult. I think she would be more at eased to hear it come from you rather than be surprized by it. Just be honest with her.
Post # 10
I would address it before the invitations go out so there’s no confusion. I would frame it around the childcare aspect of it, call to let her know that you will be having an 18+ wedding, with the exception of your flower girls and that you wanted to give her a heads up so she has lots of time to find childcare if she would like to attend. I think it does make it harder to explain because you are having a couple kids there, but it’s your wedding and your decision. You just gotta own it and face the backlash, if there is any.
Post # 11
all good points ladies, thanks
I mispoke when I said it’s an adult only, I know I’m having the girls they are in my bridal party and by adult only I meant there are no guest kids if that makes sense so with that being said I thought if anything she’d understand that it’s an adult only ‘guest list’ besides the two girls who are clearly in the bridal party.. I keep seperating in my mind my bridal party from my actual guests.
I have quite a lot of children in my extended family and his that are ofcourse not being invited so she would put two and two together that it’s not just her kids who are excluded it is basically every one’s kids besides my fiances sisters children, our only neice’s.
But again thank you all good points.
rockclimberbride : no, we have like I said a very large family, my fiance’s side is about 200 in total with loads of kids if we start offering child care to one we have to offer it to everyone.
Post # 12
DanaWeddingGuest : no that’s the whole reason I specifically didn’t want them invited, they are angels in her eyes and discplining them is out of question. I just had these horrible images of me walking up the isle and seeing her drag one of them out, or one of them tearing down my decor etc! As a couple who do not have kids we really don’t want to tolerate any at our wedding besides our two neices who we do adore and trust will be behave. So yeah, agreed they are definitely not being invited.
Post # 13
emilyjoanna : they showed up! Oh my god, my mum said she would prob do something like that and I laughed it off like no way but it’s happened to you! I would be livid, it sounds mean but I would tell her to leave.
My fiance and I do not have children, I’ve always known I’d never have kids, tbh I don’t think weddings are events for children anyway but thats my opinion. I am having his neices because we adore them, I wanted flower girls and they are really well behaved kids. She’s not the only kids we arent inviting but I can see her doing something similar so I better make sure I nip that in the bud!
Post # 14
julies1949 : this.
OP- you do not owe your aunt an explanation in advance. Or at all. Invite her and if she has questions, and you are willing, respond with your pat answer.
If someone closer to her is willing to have an uncomfortable conversation about her parenting choices at some point in the future, so much the better for her boys. But that isn’t your job.
Post # 15
Children who are in the wedding are an exception, so no that doesn’t mean she is not having an adults only wedding. What is she supposed to do? Send the flower girls home after the ceremony? It is perfectly OK to have children who are actually in the wedding attend the reception, but not actually invite other children. It is still an adults only wedding.