Post # 1
So, SO and I have been dating for about a year now. We are 25 and 28. He’s in medical school and will finish next May before heading to residency. From the beginning we have said that we weren’t playig around and that we were in a relationship to get married. He’s told me he wants me to go with him to residency which will most likely be in another state. I always reply that he would have to make a big commitment (that’s just something that I value). I don’t nag him about it or anything but we’ve definitely talked about getting married. I always mention that it wouldnt make sense to wait because we would have to plan a wedding in our home state from a distance because it would be difficult to plan one from another state. He’s always talking about how he’s excited for residency and such and me coming with him, but we have never had a timeline discussion. He always replies to the “where do you see us in 5 years?” With “married and starting a family”. So my question is, how do I talk to him about me wanting to get married before his residency? Should I just wait for him to talk to me about it? Does this situation sound like he’s on his way to proposing? (Since he knows how I feel about waiting.)
Post # 2
“I know you are planning your future with me in mind and I feel the same way. But one thing that I’d like to remind you is that I made a promise to myself that I would not move with a man until I am married. Since you are going to be moving next May, how do you see this working out?”
Then listen to what he has to say.
But be open to things not being exactly the way you thought they would be. Like, you get engaged and move with him and plan your wedding long distance back home. Or you get engaged and he moves, you stay behind to plan the wedding and move once you are married. Or he moves and you arent engaged and just date long distance until he is ready to get engaged.
One thing I had to enlighted my Darling Husband about is a wedding timeline. He had not idea that weddings took planning and time. So if you want a traditional wedding, it can take up to a year (depending on when things get filled up in your area) to plan it. If you want a smaller wedding or courthouse wedding, of course the timeline can be shorter. But getting engaged and married in the next 5 months while he is finishing medical school–probably not going to happen.
PS- if you feel like you cant talk to him about this, you may want to reconsider marrying him. Marriages only work with you can have the difficult conversations.
Post # 3
It sounds like you two have been good about communicating. He wants you to move with him for residency, and you want to fully commit before moving for residency. Transitioning from med student to intern is a big deal. If he’s finishing up in May, he’s probably planning on proposing before that (maybe around Match Day!), and then getting married after he’s started residency, unless you have said you want a very simple wedding that can be planned in only a few months. He might want to be making some money as a resident before actually getting married.
Are you sure you will be moving away? He might be hoping to match where you are currently located. I think getting engaged is a big enough commitment to lock down moving with him if he does end up moving. The logistics of wedding planning are secondary.
Post # 4
craigslistgirl: Thank y’all both for the advice! I’m not sure how to reply to both of you as it’s only tagged one of you in the reply. He’s definitely ready to be out of our current state, but I know he’s applying out of state in hopes of being there. He wouldn’t start residency until next July. hes already under so much pressure, so you can imagine how badly I don’t want to add pressure to him. He always says he isn’t worried about us, because he knows we will be fine. Like you said though, intern transition is a huge adjustment.