Post # 1
So for those of you who don’t know my story, BF and I have been dating for about 2 years and 4 months. We moved in together after dating about 10 months, so we’ve been living together for about a year and a half. Im 27, he’s 31, we both have stable jobs, have a house etc etc so finances are fairly stable.
When we first talked about moving in together after we had been dating about 6 months, we decided that it would be best to date for about a year before living together for about a year then live together for about a year before getting engaged. We both agreed as well that if either of us felt that we needed to deviate from this timeline that we would discuss it/let the other one know. We’ve also both agreed that being engaged for about a year before getting married seems like a good idea, then waiting for 2-3 years before trying to have kids. Which means even if we get engaged tomorrow I’ll be in my 30’s before we start TTC.
We did have to move up the living together due to a situation with my landlord, but it really only moved things up by less than 2 months so not a big deal.
Now we’re kind of stuck at the just living together stage. And I’m starting to get frustrated. I really want to know where things are going, but I don’t know how to tell my BF without it sounding like “We need to get engaged NOW!” or anything. And I hate not knowing what’s going on!
We talked a few months ago and he said he had looked at rings, but then apparently after he looked I said I wanted to help pick out the ring. I told him what I want, and he then said he thought it would be best if we went looking together. We haven’t gone yet. I did go look at the ring I want and found out that it would be at least 6-8 weeks to get it in, due to my ring size.
I plan on having the talk with him on Leap Year day. I just don’t know what to say Any advice?
Post # 3
Tell him the truth. You want to spend the rest of your life with him, get married, have kids – but you have this timeline you guys have already discussed. He may be oblivious about it, not realizing it crept up so quickly.
Post # 4
It does sound good as he is thinking and planning about it.
I’m not sure exactly what you can say, but along the lines of …’You know how you were looking at rings and said you wanted to go together? Do you want to go this weekend/ X date? And although I’m sure you want it to be a surprise, could we discuss what sort of timeline we are looking at since the first one has been missed and I just need some reassurance?’
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
Haha! I actually asked my bf that question last night. I waited till he was gazing at me and smiling and said.”Soooooo, when are we getting engaged? Do you have the day picked out?” in a flirty/ coy voice. He just smiled. I kept pushing but didn’t get anything other than he’s past the thinking about stage and is in the planning stage. So I may not give the best advice but….
For you, it depends on each of your personalities. Is he laid back? Do you tease each other a lot? How about directing the conversation towards it then asking some indirect question like if you two will be engaged this year or in 2013?
Post # 6
From my calculations he is only a little bit over your agreed timeline? Plus it sounds like he has been thinking about it. I would just wait for a weekend when you dont have much on and see if he wants to go ring shopping. If he doesnt, just ask him when would be a convenient time 😉
Post # 7
Does he know you went to look at rings and does he know specifically what you want? Is it possible that he could already know what you want and be trying to throw you off? Given all the ring talk from him, I’d assume he is serious and try to give him a bit of space if you think he might be planning a surprise proposal in the near term. If you are sure that he isn’t going to do anything until you look at rings together, then I would gently bring it up sooner rather than later. Not that what you did was wrong, but you may have unintentionally delayed things when you told him you wanted to help pick out the ring. Maybe he thinks he needs longer to save for what you want?
Post # 8
@coastalbee88: I know that me saying I wanted to help pick out the ring delayed things. At the time though I didn’t even know he had looked at rings. I had been frustrated because this was right around our 2 year anniversary and he wasn’t showing ANY signs of our relationship going anywhere. I do know though that he can definitely afford the ring I want. Or he could have before he decided to do major bathroom renos (the ring I want is about 1/2 his budget for bathroom renos- which weren’t really needed I might add, but are nice). The bathroom renos are kind of adding to my fear that we won’t be getting engaged any time soon. If he was saving for a ring, how is it he all of a sudden has all this money to do bathroom renos?!?!
Post # 9
“So when are we going ring shopping?”
Simple, to the point.
Post # 10
Take him to the mall, casually stroll through, “Oh look! I just want to look at some rings real quick!” Needless to say, I walked out with my engagement ring, true story >:)
Post # 11
I understand this is kind of an awkward situation, but seriously, if you ask about the timeline that you both had discussed, what is he going to do? It sounds as if he is committed — I don’t think he would just pick up and leave. Be calm, not pushy, just ask about what the plan is for the future, when you might want to get married (fall, spring) how that impacts when you get engaged/start planning. Guys are sometimes just oblivious.
Please don’t read my sentence as snarky or anything — It just frustrates me when people are worried about speaking up. Unless you have had huge fights about this, or you’ve been nagging daily for a few months, there shouldn’t be any topics “off limits” in a committed relationship. Just my 2 cents.
Post # 12
@hosannac: It’s not so much that I’m worried about speaking up, it’s more that I don’t want him to feel pressured into doing something he doesn’t want to do and I don’t know how to bring up the subject without sounding like I NEED to be engaged like yesterday. Because I don’t need to be engaged. I want to be, but if he’s not ready I want to know why and what he/I/we need to do to get there. He knows that I want a winter wedding, and that I don’t want to start planning/booking things until we’re officially engaged. And with working full time and being a part time student, I don’t have a lot of time to plan things and there is no way I would have time to plan a Winter 2012/2013 wedding even if we got engaged now. But winter 2013/2014 seems so far away!
Post # 13
@futuremrste: I would say tell him exactly what you just said. You just want to check in on the plan and see where he is at, making sure you are on the same page. Good luck with everything! I know waiting sucks, but in the end, at least in my case, it was worth it!