(Closed) How do I avoid being a bridesmaid without massive family drama?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

3:  Something else.  If she asks, you can politely decline without giving any reasons what so ever.  You shouldn’t mention ANYTHING about your brother’s behavior or really go into detail about why you do not wish to participate.  Just thank her, tell her you’re honored but unfortunately you must decline.


You’ve gotta let go of your feeings about them getting married in your church for ‘appearances’. That’s not your call to make.  It’s also not your call to make any kind of judgement about their relationship or wedding decisions.  Remember how it felt when someone tried to interfere with YOUR plans?  Don’t be that person.

Post # 4
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Make up an excuse…. Even if she were the meanest person, she doesn’t need to get caught up in the drama between you and your brother.

Post # 5
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@KristenGotMarried:  Agreed with this.  Honesty isn’t always the best policy.  And if you want to keep family drama out of your life, you should decline the way Kristen suggested.

Post # 7
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@KristenGotMarried:  This!

You can bring up your feelings about how you were hurt to your brother, but don’t involve his Fiance or the wedding at all. 

Post # 8
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would not say anything until ask, and then just decline and tell her you would rather not be involved, that you love and support them but would rather be a guest at the wedding.  If you open it up now it will come off wrong, she may not even be thinking of having you in the wedding

Post # 9
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I wouldn’t assume- what if she has two girlfriends in her wedding party instead? Saying something now would be awkward. If she asks, politely decline, as Kristen recommended. Then talk to your brother, if you feel you must. Or wait until someone from the family contacts you about it- “It’s still too raw, from what happened when I got married.” 

Post # 10
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Honestly, it’s a big assumption that she’ll ask you – so you should wait on all counts. No one is advising you to lie, but just advising you to choose what you say carefully. Quite possibly, she is aware of your strained relationship with your brother and for that very reason, she may not ask. If she’s unaware, then I would give some credit to your brother for not airing dirty laundry and would suggest that you follow suit and do the same. You don’t have to lie, but you don’t have to give her unncessary details either.

Post # 11
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

i wouldnt bring up what happened at your wedding for a few reasons, one being that this girl wasnt even around when all that went down.

you dont have to LIE exactly, but cant you think of a few reasons it’d be impossible to be a bridesmaid right now? work schedule? finances? TTC? they may not be the MAIN reason, but they are reasons none the less

Post # 12
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

#3.  Wait until she asks, and politely decline stating that you simply don’t have the time to devote to wedding planning, etc. Or, politely state that since you don’t know her that well, you’d feel more comfortable simply being a guest, and getting to know her in the mean time (who knows, you might change your mind about their nuptuals, but that doens’t mean you need to be in her wedding party). 

If you want to avoid the drama, don’t dredge up the past.  Even if you’re still hurt by it, it’s time to let it go. 

Post # 13
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@KristenGotMarried:  THIS.  It would be the absolutely wrong time to try and sort out the existing family drama.  Your response — if asked at all— should be “while I’m flattered by your invitation, I’m afraid I have to decline.”  If you’re pressed for a “why” then I’d only go as far as “My other obligations might prevent me from doing a good job for you, and I’d rather not let you down.”  Period.  Pick another time to try and repair your relationship with your brother.

And try not to worry about it now anyway. There’s been no proposal, and if there is a proposal you have no idea on the timing of their wedding nor on if you’ll be invited at all.  By the time she invites you to be a bridesmaid— if she ever does— you may have already mended your fences, in which case stewing on the past is just going to make that harder.

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