(Closed) How do I communicate this need?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Hostess
3369 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t think it’s strange, actually. Dating anniversary’s are something that women are much more excited about than guys, as terrible as that sounds. Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to celebrate? Maybe ask if he would let you cook him a nice meal and you had a dinner at home? Just tell him you want to celebrate your love and you don’t need to do anything special. 

Post # 4
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Why do you want to celebrate it, anyway?  Why not celebrate the date you got engaged or your birthday?

Post # 6
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@newcitylights:  Oh, you have a wedding date listed, so I thought you were engaged.

Then celebrate your birthday or something.  Or just, like, go out.  You don’t have to have a date to celebrate.  If he doesn’t want to celebrate the random day you first went on a date, you shouldn’t force it.  My fiance and I don’t even know what our “anniversary” was.  We didn’t love each other at first…it happened slowly.  Now we have the day we got engaged.  

Post # 7
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would probably start with something to the effect of “I’ve been thinking a lot about our upcoming anniversary and was hoping we could revisit that issue. It feels important to me for us to celebrate our anniversaries. Though we share our love for each other each day, our anniversary is a day where we can make a special effort to acknowledge that we are continuing to grow in our relationship and to share our appreciation of each other.”

You might also explore the reasons he feels it is weird. Is he not a fan of dressing up/dinner/flowers? Maybe there’s a way you could plan an outing that you would both be really excited about.

What do you notice that you do that makes serious conversations become counterproductive?

Post # 8
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Any time someone gives me a hard time for wanting to celebrate something, I ask them what’s wrong with an extra occasion to celebrate. Seriously, not in a snotty way. Just pose the question, then wait for an answer. I’ll tell you right now, there’s no good answer out there. There’s nothing wrong with another occasion occasion to celebrate life and be happy. Explain to him that you’re not looking to throw a gala in your honor, you’re interested in a special night out (or even in!) with him and a celebratory mood. If he has a problem with it, I suspect it’s not actually about celebrating, but more about anxiety over pressure to plan things or give gifts. Or possibly he’s just anxious about time passing because he knows you want a proposal and he’s not quite ready. 

Post # 9
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@newcitylights:  unfortunately most guys don’t really care.  mine doesn’t.  just last month we realized that we’ve been together for 3 years.  i would have to really think about it to get the exact date though.  we just celebrate our time together everyday.

if it is important to you then why don’t you surprise him with a nice dinner on your anniversary.  tell him you wanted to do something special for him b/c this is a special day for you.   just don’t be disappointed when he doesn’t share the same enthusiasm.

Post # 10
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

my Darling Husband isn’t all that big about our dating anniversary anymore either, but he’s agreed that we would go out for a nice dinner or something, not necessarily a big OMG celebration, just a low key one.

Post # 11
Member
4151 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Hm, I agree that guys care less than women but SO cares that I care so we celebrate.  This year I was the one to forget (I didn’t totally forget, I’d bought a card/gift but it did slip my mind on the day and he had to remind me). Why does he not want to celebrate beyond “it’s silly”? Surely to you it’s just as silly not to, so I think that’s an invalid reason.

Post # 12
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

“I know that you find it strange and I respect that, but celebrations are important to me and our dating anniversary is a big deal to me. I really need to have it acknowledged with a card and some sort of date.” 

I’m pretty sure my SO wouldn’t celebrate anniversaries if I didn’t love it so much. But, like you, it’s important to me (and we’re not engaged either). I think it’s a wonderful time to look back on the past year and commemorate the time we’ve been together. I think it’s a matter of compromise. Our first year together, I insisted we go to a hotel and out for a fancy dinner – let’s just say we don’t do that anymore 🙂 These days, it’s much more about acknowledgment – this past year he cooked dinner and gave me a flower and a card and we sat and spent the night together w/ no interruptions from the phone. It was lovely 🙂 

Post # 13
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@SweetDeeReynolds:  This! My SO used to think celebrations = gifts, expensive dinner, suit… none of these things are for him at all. He doesn’t have a lot of spare money to buy trinkets, he doesn’t LIKE expensive food and wearing a tie is torture in his eyes. Once I explained to him that I just want to hang out with him, he relaxed. One of our best celebrations was Valentine’s this year. He set up our mattress in the living room in front of the TV and lit candles and got a bottle of wine. We watched movies, snuggled and drank wine all night – it was awesome 🙂 

Post # 14
Member
1994 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

We don’t really celebrate our dating anniversary.  Hell we’re not even sure when it is.  He’s completely cluesless, while I at least know that we started dating in the last week of february. My guy normally isn’t very romantic when it comes to things like this, so I would probably plan the celebration myself, if I really wanted to do something and just drag him along.  Don’t ask him, Don’t give him a choice, Just plan it.  Let him know when the dinner, weekend getaway, or whatever you want to do will take place & tell him to clear his schedule.  

Post # 15
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

We don’t celebrate our dating anniversary because when we first got together he said the first anniversary he wants to celebrate with me is our first wedding anniversary – and I think that’s a great way to look at it!

Is he not one for romance? We don’t even do valentine’s really because we don’t think romance should be ‘forced’.

What do you expect from him? Flowers and to take you to dinner? Or do you just want to do something nice because it’s special for you?

If he’s not into it, you can’t force him to get excited about it, but you CAN book a table at a nice restaurant for the two of you.

Most girls I know who have an issue about this is because they expect things from their SO that they know won’t happen and so set themselves up for disappointment.

My advice would be to say “hey babe, I know you don’t like ‘celebrating’ anniversaries but I’ve booked for us to have dinner at ….. that weekend. No pressure – no gifts or cards or anything, but it means a lot to me so I thought we could meet halfway and just do something together on that night.”

No pressure on his side – no “oh my god I need to think of something romantic” – you’ve controlled it. Although I may suggest paying for the dinner yourself… a bit controversial, but if it’s super important to you and not him, it would be nice for you to pay for it as ‘your treat’ to him.

Post # 16
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

1. We always celebrated our dating anniversary, and it’s the day that my husband proposed on, so I totally understand that you want to do this.

2. He was/is fine with dating anniversary, birthdays, and occasional special things in between, but he was kind of a jerk about Valentine’s Day for the first year or two, for no particularly good reason that I could see. I think it had to do with not being told by the greeting-card industry when and how to show his love…

3. But when he FINALLY heard how much it hurt me (and made him look like a jerk) to not have anything to share on that day, he did something inexpensive but really thoughtful and cute, and got a TON of positive reinforcement. And since then…we’ve been fine on that day. (And we’re also more secure with each other, so it’s not quite as big a deal.)

So…I would start the convo with “We both deserve something special…our dating anniversary is coming up, and I’d like to take that evening for a nice date night.” If he balks, I would clarify: “I know you’re not into celebrating that day specifically, but is there a problem with a nice dinner, good dessert [and some sexytimes assuming that you guys do that]?” Go from there — that it’s a nice night about the two of you, not a big pressure event for him.

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