(Closed) How do I convince my husband I should be a stay at home mom?

posted 4 years ago in Babies
Post # 61
Member
4038 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

carolinabelle:  THIS x 1,000 …. There is an extreme misconception that people have about teaching..

Post # 62
Member
42 posts
Newbee

sarahfv:  Maybe this article would help, this guy got a lot of attention for writing this and I saw it circulating on social media a while ago: http://www.weareglory.com/blog/fathers-you-cant-afford-a-stay-at-home-mom

 

I don’t have children, that said, from some of your comments, it sounds like the real issue is that maybe your husband is really not ready for kids and being the sole provider yet. Like other Bee’s have said, it is super important to be very honest with each other before trying to have children.

Everyone’s situation is different, but I am very fortunate to be able to stay at home after working a full time career and climbing the corporate ladder for 14 years. My Fiance makes more than enough to support us, but even more than that, we put ourselves in a place (i.e. no debt, paid off cars, no credit cards, large emergency fund savings, substantial 401k and retirement savings) so that when my career and work/life balance started to negatively impact our relationship, I was able to leave my job. We have never been happier and I’m looking forward to being a housewife for awhile so I can reassess my professional goals.  

Post # 63
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If your only options are 1) work+baby+90% of chores or 2) baby + 90%chores than yes, of course dropping the job frees up your time.

But  those shouldn’t be your only options. If division of labour is a source of contention now it will only be a million times worse after baby.

Post # 64
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

sarahfv:  it’s kinda controversial but the book “in Praise of Stay At Home Moms” should help you, read some excerpts from it online, then order it, it convinced me.  It has actual studies done on children whose moms stay home. Good luck!

Post # 65
Member
333 posts
Helper bee

Who is going to take care of your child? Do you have parents to help out? I live in NYC. My mom lives in Vancouver Canada my FI’s parents are in Hawaii. No one can help us. Child care is so expensive that it requires basically one person’s wage ( cost of living in nyc). NO way we can afford it. I have to stay home for few years until our kids are ready for pre school and etc. Or else I have to send our kid off to Canada with my mom. She offered to help. Maybe convince him on a finacial POV? 

Post # 66
Member
514 posts
Busy bee

I would show him hard facts and figures on finances, we are lucky in the UK as we get up to a year mat leave (all but 6 weeks paid) but even after that I would struggle to want to go back to work as I live near London nursarys are super expensive and it might not be worth me going back to work 🙁

Post # 67
Member
9821 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

sarahfv:  “stress free evening with the baby” lol.  Sorry that made me laugh. How idyllic…and not at all reality.

You know what you should do?  Agree that you should get at least the first 10 weeks off (recovery is a real thing, you don’t go back to work the next day after having a baby).  And then discuss things.  Do you need to work?  Can you afford everything with you not working?  That is a big part of the discussion and probably the most important part.  Maybe he doesn’t feel financially comfortable?  You can’t convince him, you need to come to an agreement about what is best for everyone.

Make him start working around the house and helping you out.  You also need to leave him alone with the baby.  Let him stay home all day with the baby I guarantee he won’t be thinking that you’re lying around all day after he has taken care of a baby for 2 weeks straight.  You know what many women do is take off the first 12 weeks and then he can take another 2 weeks off after you to stay home with the baby before daycare.  You can go back to work and see how he feels after that 2 weeks.  Maybe he’ll want you to quit then.  Maybe you’ll like going to work, who knows.

Plenty of people work full time, make dinner, clean, and have kids.  It’s very possible.  It’s still a lot of work just like being a Stay-At-Home Mom and if you work than you partner either needs to help out with this or pay someone else to do it (like a cleaner or cook).

I would stop doing his crap.  Don’t do his laundry.  Don’t make dinner if he doesn’t help, just make yourself a sandwich and let him fend for himself.  Go grocery shopping just for yourself.  My husband doesn’t always have time to help but what works the best is having him do the same jobs- that way he always knows what is “his” and when it needs to be done.

Post # 69
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

BrightGreen:  I was thinking the same thing!  When I was on maternity leave, I didn’t even have time to eat lunch or pee!  As soon as hubby would walk in, I would plop the baby in his arms so I could shower and pee.  I had grand ideas of what I was going to do on maternity leave, reality was so much different!

Post # 70
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Everyone else covered the main points, but I just wanted to chime in with this. My Darling Husband and I were in agreement that I’d stay home with the kid(s), but he always said that he would totally be mr.mom if I made more than him, and wouldn’t mind being a stay at home dad at all. Then DS arrived.  DS is a perfectly normal, slightly more than averagly demanding almost-six month old. DH’s opinion now has changed to “I have no idea how you do this all day/I love DS to death but I need a break (after 15 minutes of fussy baby haha)/etc”. All of a sudden being a stay at home mom was muuuuuch more work haha. So, keep in mind that after you have the baby and your Darling Husband has to watch him periodically for you (like so you can take a long shower on a weekend or something), his views may change a little ;). 

Post # 71
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

sarahfv:  You did everything right, you discussed it previously and came to an agreement before making the commitment to marry and start a family with your husband.  He doesn’t have the right to change his mind out of the blue without a discussion.  I would say “we discussed this previously and came to an agreement, I am staying home the first year.”  Done.  PPs are telling you to plead your case, and maybe that’s the kinder way to handle it, but if it were me, I’m standing up for yourself.  He didn’t have to plead his case to tell you to go back to work did he?

People on weddingbee are going to start feeling bad for my husband, I swear I’m not a huge bitch, but I don’t take shit.  Maybe that does make me kinda bitchy…

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