(Closed) How do I deal with a horrible mother in law?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Can you compromise by living somewhere in the middle? Where do you live now in relation to your families?

Post # 4
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I thin limit your interactions, let your Fi be the main person dealing with his family, and you the main person dealing with yours.

You guys are adults now and are your own family. I think find a nuetral place in the middle is the best solution for everyone. That way no one gets resentful, and your familys are both the same distance away.

Post # 5
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Lola1985:  Oh man, I feel you on this. We moved to be near FH’s dad who has prostate cancer. Orignally, before we found out about the prostate cancer, we were supposed to move to NYC to be close to my family. I lost out due to the cancer issue but we had lengthy discussions about the move before it happened. We made pros and cons lists, researched where our finances would go the furthest, job possibilities, support groups, activities, etc… We finally decided on Minneapolis bcs of FFIL’s cancer and to save money. We also built in that we would move either back to LA or to NY if we absolutely hated it here. We only signed a 6 mo lease. 

And I hear you on the awful parent issue, his dad is a jerk… No two ways about it. He’s emotionally abusive to everyone and flat out rude, racist, and has no filter. 

I have expressed my concerns about Future Father-In-Law to FH and we have decided that I won’t go visit every time FH goes. We also have a post visit debrief. Future Father-In-Law will often make FH feel bad that he didn’t properly pursue a pro basketball career, isn’t on the same side of political issues, etc, and FH always leaves feeling awful. What I do is support him and comfort him after the visits so he doesn’t feel bad about the move.  

I urge you to talk about it at length before making any decision, do lots of research and remember that moves can be temporary. You two are building a life together and it needs to work for the both of you!

 

Post # 6
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Lola1985:  mmm as i see it, the problem with living in the middle would be that neither family could easily help with any future children

by wanting to live near your family you are technically putting your family above his. and im not saying thats wrong, a lot of us would prefer to live with our own families over our inlaws 😛 byt my point is, you catn make it seem otherwise. 

where do you live right now? in the middle and you wnat to move close to one family? near one at the moment but you want to change? i tihnk you need to talk to him and say its important for you to live near yours. but bear in mind, if he agrees it will probably mean a lot of compromise about visiting his family and spending holidays there

Post # 7
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If your Fiance won’t see any fault with his mother when she is being rude to you then you have bigger issues to worry about than where you live. It took years for my husband to see what I saw in his mother- controlling, manipulative, backhanded, cold, hurtful, etc. I don’t know how bad your future mother in law is (if she may have caused an eating disorder– that’s pretty bad!), but this business needs to be sorted before you get married. You and your future husband need to be a full partnership, which you can’t be when he is defensive of his mother and blind to the hurt she causes. If he doesn’t see her bad behavior then he’s enabling it to continue. 

Convincing him to live near your parents without telling him your motive while trying not to appear to be the bad guy is manipulation too. You need to be able to be honest. 

Post # 8
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m a BIG advocate of having the right tools for the job, if you’ve got a mother in law situation I can highly recommend the Mother In Law Eradication Kit aka MILEK, this year’s MILEK model comes with everything you need to send that soul eating harpie back to the scalding neather regions of hell from which she emerged….easy grip crucifix, disposable stakes and even a pistol for those unprecidented close encounters…we’ve got holy water for your more stubborn specimens and even a few other herbs and concoctions ranging from Wolfsbane, for the Lycanthrope Mother in Law to Pacific Sea Salt for your run of the mill Witch Mother in Law…it’s a steal at $99.99 available at your local Lore Store.  Good luck & Happy Staking!

Post # 11
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Nona99:  your posts crack me up. i bet you’re so much fun IRL

Post # 14
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

While I understand you want to raise your children near your parents, you also have to keep in mind – they’re going to be his children too, and he may feel the exact same way (wanting to raise his children by his parents). Neither of you would be wrong, and you can’t say your family is more important than his or vice versa.

I’d probably just live in the middle and compromise honestly. 

Post # 15
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would definitely pull out the “they have more spare time” card here.  You can say that without seeming like you hate his mother.  Remind him that they would have more time to babysit which means more time for you guys. That or let him know how you really feel..

Post # 16
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

MOB for this one: From my experience, I’d say move near your parents.

When our 1st child was born, we lived 3 hours from my parents and 5 from the Mother-In-Law. We moved 15 minutes from mine Even through part time and sometime full-day employment, my parents and g-mom cared for my kids even when they were sick and I had to work.  Once when I had to have emergency surgery, they cancelled their vacation plans to take care of me/their grandkids. They went to every birthday party, grandparents days, every event they participated in, even took them to other parties/play dates, and one all day field trip. 

Mother-In-Law lives 3.25 hours away. She took care of 1 child 1 time -for a few hours , when we were visiting her and wanted to go out with friends. She changed 1 diaper – total – of our kids, in her life, and made a big fuss about it. She went to the 1st brithday party of the 1st child and that was it. Made it to 1 high school graduation, only, and none of the high school or grad. school. Some may argue that distance is to blame, and it is, for some of the everyday events, but she has been retired for most of my kids’ lives. And she managed to fly 3/4 of the way acros the country to every birthday of the other set of grandkids.

Good luck!

 

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