Post # 1
My fiance wants to live near his parents, and I want to live near mine. Our parents are about 4 hours driving distance from each other. Thing is, my mother in law is very controlling, carefully manipulative and rude. On top of that, I suspect she is the cause of my fiance’s eating disorder issues.
Although my fiance is not completely devoted to living near his mother (and father), he does not see fault in her, and defends her naturally because, well, it’s his mother.
I am horrified at the thought of living near his family and being far away from mine, especially when I have children.
How do I talk to my fiance and have a positive conversation about how I prefer to live near my family (without offending my fiance or expressing my dislike of his mother)? How can I make it so he doesnt feel like I’m putting my family before him.
Please HELP! Any wisdom is so appreciated.
Post # 3
Can you compromise by living somewhere in the middle? Where do you live now in relation to your families?
Post # 4
I thin limit your interactions, let your Fi be the main person dealing with his family, and you the main person dealing with yours.
You guys are adults now and are your own family. I think find a nuetral place in the middle is the best solution for everyone. That way no one gets resentful, and your familys are both the same distance away.
Post # 5
@Lola1985: Oh man, I feel you on this. We moved to be near FH’s dad who has prostate cancer. Orignally, before we found out about the prostate cancer, we were supposed to move to NYC to be close to my family. I lost out due to the cancer issue but we had lengthy discussions about the move before it happened. We made pros and cons lists, researched where our finances would go the furthest, job possibilities, support groups, activities, etc… We finally decided on Minneapolis bcs of FFIL’s cancer and to save money. We also built in that we would move either back to LA or to NY if we absolutely hated it here. We only signed a 6 mo lease.
And I hear you on the awful parent issue, his dad is a jerk… No two ways about it. He’s emotionally abusive to everyone and flat out rude, racist, and has no filter.
I have expressed my concerns about Future Father-In-Law to FH and we have decided that I won’t go visit every time FH goes. We also have a post visit debrief. Future Father-In-Law will often make FH feel bad that he didn’t properly pursue a pro basketball career, isn’t on the same side of political issues, etc, and FH always leaves feeling awful. What I do is support him and comfort him after the visits so he doesn’t feel bad about the move.
I urge you to talk about it at length before making any decision, do lots of research and remember that moves can be temporary. You two are building a life together and it needs to work for the both of you!
Post # 6
@Lola1985: mmm as i see it, the problem with living in the middle would be that neither family could easily help with any future children
by wanting to live near your family you are technically putting your family above his. and im not saying thats wrong, a lot of us would prefer to live with our own families over our inlaws 😛 byt my point is, you catn make it seem otherwise.
where do you live right now? in the middle and you wnat to move close to one family? near one at the moment but you want to change? i tihnk you need to talk to him and say its important for you to live near yours. but bear in mind, if he agrees it will probably mean a lot of compromise about visiting his family and spending holidays there
Post # 7
If your Fiance won’t see any fault with his mother when she is being rude to you then you have bigger issues to worry about than where you live. It took years for my husband to see what I saw in his mother- controlling, manipulative, backhanded, cold, hurtful, etc. I don’t know how bad your future mother in law is (if she may have caused an eating disorder– that’s pretty bad!), but this business needs to be sorted before you get married. You and your future husband need to be a full partnership, which you can’t be when he is defensive of his mother and blind to the hurt she causes. If he doesn’t see her bad behavior then he’s enabling it to continue.
Convincing him to live near your parents without telling him your motive while trying not to appear to be the bad guy is manipulation too. You need to be able to be honest.
Post # 8
I’m a BIG advocate of having the right tools for the job, if you’ve got a mother in law situation I can highly recommend the Mother In Law Eradication Kit aka MILEK, this year’s MILEK model comes with everything you need to send that soul eating harpie back to the scalding neather regions of hell from which she emerged….easy grip crucifix, disposable stakes and even a pistol for those unprecidented close encounters…we’ve got holy water for your more stubborn specimens and even a few other herbs and concoctions ranging from Wolfsbane, for the Lycanthrope Mother in Law to Pacific Sea Salt for your run of the mill Witch Mother in Law…it’s a steal at $99.99 available at your local Lore Store. Good luck & Happy Staking!
Post # 9
@newname_99: Thanks for the advice. I live near my family. He lives near his. I think I just have to be direct and say it is important for me to raise my children near my parents, especially since they have a lot more free time. I just hope he doesnt feel like I’m putting my family before “our” plans.
Post # 11
@Nona99: your posts crack me up. i bet you’re so much fun IRL
Post # 12
@MrsBroccoli: Thank you for the awesome advice, I totally agree. We have had many conversations about his family, which is why I know my mother in law is the way she is. Because my interactions with her are limited and she is always cordial, I am lucky enough to not deal with her personally.
Here’s the thing. Part of the control is with money. My fiance’s parents use money/connections to attract him into living permanently in their city. My fiance and I are young, starting out and not wealthy by any means. His mother says things like “If you two live here, we can offer you an opportunity with so and so, and you could be making this amount, and hey- we will even help you with housing.”
Naturally, my fiance is attracted and sees it as generosity/olive branch from his parents. However, I see it as control.
Goodness, I’m in over my head.
Post # 13
@TwoCityBride: Thank you for the great advice. I wish I could live somewhere in the middle between the two cities, but it’s nowhere land.
Do you think its a too much to say it’s a deal breaker if I can’t raise my children near my parents?
Thank you for your help!
Post # 14
While I understand you want to raise your children near your parents, you also have to keep in mind – they’re going to be his children too, and he may feel the exact same way (wanting to raise his children by his parents). Neither of you would be wrong, and you can’t say your family is more important than his or vice versa.
I’d probably just live in the middle and compromise honestly.
Post # 15
I would definitely pull out the “they have more spare time” card here. You can say that without seeming like you hate his mother. Remind him that they would have more time to babysit which means more time for you guys. That or let him know how you really feel..
Post # 16
MOB for this one: From my experience, I’d say move near your parents.
When our 1st child was born, we lived 3 hours from my parents and 5 from the Mother-In-Law. We moved 15 minutes from mine Even through part time and sometime full-day employment, my parents and g-mom cared for my kids even when they were sick and I had to work. Once when I had to have emergency surgery, they cancelled their vacation plans to take care of me/their grandkids. They went to every birthday party, grandparents days, every event they participated in, even took them to other parties/play dates, and one all day field trip.
Mother-In-Law lives 3.25 hours away. She took care of 1 child 1 time -for a few hours , when we were visiting her and wanted to go out with friends. She changed 1 diaper – total – of our kids, in her life, and made a big fuss about it. She went to the 1st brithday party of the 1st child and that was it. Made it to 1 high school graduation, only, and none of the high school or grad. school. Some may argue that distance is to blame, and it is, for some of the everyday events, but she has been retired for most of my kids’ lives. And she managed to fly 3/4 of the way acros the country to every birthday of the other set of grandkids.