(Closed) How do I deal with a Mother who just isn’t into my wedding?

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Maaan my mom is the epitome of MOB-zillas!! My wedding is next year, and she’s super pissed. She started off happy for us, then I started showing her ideas of what we want to do,and it all changed. She’s gossiped to my family about me, claims that I will never go to grad school, and she even suspects that I’m pregnant. Every time I see her she says I’m getting chubby. Well mom, it could be the birth control pill that I take! She even told me that she is staying out of my life and she has washed her hands of me. So yes, I know where you are coming from.

It sucks, but you just have to remember that this is your day. Don’t stress yourself out over her like I did. I got sick, I wasn’t sleeping, and I ended up at the doctor’s office for muscle cramps and spasm – all due to stress. I just stopped trying to make amends and I decided that I was going to let her come to me. My mom hasn’t been a part of picking out anything; not my dress, the venue, the colors..nothing. At the end of the day, it’s about you and your SO. I think you’ll regret missing out on enjoying the planning process and the big day because you were so focused on your mom.

My mom and I had this exact conversation – “I tried to tell her that that wasn’t my goal at all, that it was a bonding moment, much like her going with me to buy my wedding dress, and she told me that she didn’t care at all about helping me pick out that dress, and that I only wanted her there because she was paying for it.”

Just let it go and stop trying to make amends for now. Focus on the last minute details and enjoy yourself. Find some time to relax everyday! It’s going to be hard, but it’s almost over!

Post # 4
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My mom’s like that, she doesn’t care about the wedding until she’s nagging me about an idea that she has. Andddd my mother and I had the exact same argument, she FLIPPED on me and called me controlling because I got to pick my band and another vendor, and she wouldn’t let me pick the dress too. She was literally having a hissy fit because she bought a dress without asking me, then took me shopping and we picked her a dress, then she told me flat out it wasn’t special enough and she wouldn’t wear it. Why she wasted my time in having me take her shopping in the first place is beyond me. From then on I just picked my battles. My wedding’s in a month and she is still calling my sister to say how she’s doing all these nice things to help me with the wedding, then accusing me of stealing her credit card to buy concert tickets, then telling my sister she’s paying for aspects of the wedding she never told me she’d pay for, then offering to pay for something then telling my sister I stole the money to pay for it…

The important thing to remember is that weddings make moms into crazy people.

Post # 6
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

This is almost exactly my FATHER. Everything went fine on the big day, though. thank goodness. He even said he had a good time, and I think he meant it. He did change out of his tux into blue jeans about half way through the reception…

Seeing him face-to-face and being able to talk through things beforehand was extremely helpful. I did almost all the planning without him, and whenever he would interject his two disapproving cents I would just say sorry, that decision was made 6 months ago (when he was too annoyed to help with anything). He was even criticizing things on my wedding day, but by that point, let me tell you, you won’t care one bit.

Post # 7
29 posts

I can relate in principle to this.  I am so lucky in that one of my favorite most cherished oments with my mom during the planning process was going dress shopping with her for her MOB dress, however, there were many bridal dress appts that were just miserable because she just seemed to fight it tooth and nail.  She frowned, wouldn’t give me her opinion, barely could look at me sometimes in the dresses.  It was so incredibly painful, like a feeling of being punched in the gut.  She didn’t WANT me to have that moment and it killed me.  I realize now it was a reflection of her not being happy that I was going through with the wedding (the engagement got off on a sort of bad foot, etc, etc, etc) but it was also about CONTROL. A LOT of the wedding planning came down to that between she and I, and as much as I tried to stand my ground, I also realized she was paying for a portion, and DID in fact have a say.  It was a really fine line, and it was crossed a lot.  From guest list, to venue, to dress shopping.  She was there for it all physically, but there were definitely moments where I knew she wanted to control, and made it about her.  And it wasn’t about her.  So I totally understand what you’re going through, and your mom’s statement about “You’re just trying to control me!!!” is really a reflection of the fact that SHE is trying to control EVERYTHING about YOUR wedding, and not realizing or giving you credit for the compromises you made with her wishes in mind, OR paying any mind to your desire to want to share in a special memory with her.  That is so sad, and I am so sorry she won’t allow that moment with you, but I do understand how you feel and you are not alone.  Just curious, does she approve of your fiance?  Or is this possibly just a reflection of her own unhappiness in life, things she may have wished she would have accomplished by now that she hasn’t?  Maybe your wedding is a reminder that she is getting older, and that her life wasn’t what she had hoped it would be.  I am only saying this, because I have learned this from my own experience.  Nothing about this is easy.  Just try to maybe put some distance between you two for a week or so, even though I KNOW that you probably want your mom there and to be supportive more now than EVER.  It’s your wedding day, and no one wants to be at odds with their mom on this day.  Just stay strong, stay true to yourself, and remember most importantly…you and your fiance are becoming a family now, and you two have to rely on each other.  YOU are the team, now, and if you remember that, nothing else should matter.  It’s unfortunate that our moms are unhappy at such a pivotal moment and they let their own disappointment infect their own daughter’s special day and future, but you have to try to realize that, accept it, and move on.  Try not to take things too personally. Again, I know this is hard, if not impossible.  I am going through it myself.  But once you relieve yourself of the responsibility to make her happy (since only SHE can make herself happy in the long run, no one else can do it for her, not even you), you will have a freedom and relief like you’ve never known.  I wish you the best of luck and hope for your sake and hers that she comes around, realizes that she is missing out on memories she will never get back.  I will pray for you.  Stay strong.  **hugs**

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