Post # 1
This is rather long so I’ll split it into a couple parts so if you just want to skip to the main problem that happened to day you can!
I grew up with no exposure to divorce. Everyone in my family was married and almost all of my friend’s parents were married. The few that were divorced were civil or one parent was no longer in the picture. I guess I was pretty shielded from the emotions of divorce growing up so I have no idea if his family is normal or if this is ridiculous. I feel as though it’s ridiculous but since I have no experience I might be over reacting.
FI’s parents got divorced about 8 years ago. Future Father-In-Law re-married someone I’ll call C. C was FMIL’s really good friend before this happened, so on top of the emotion of divorce there is a little extra drama. Due to this, Future Mother-In-Law is extra bitter about them and makes this known fairly often. I understand why she is upset but I feel like after 8 years (and she is in a happy relationship) she just really needs to let this go.
Fiance sat her down and asked her to put everything behind her for our sake (and his brother’s). She told him this is impossible. She was very upset when she found out C would be at my bridal shower (I only had one as I live out of state) and that we would not invite extra people to the rehearsal dinner to create a buffer between her and Future Father-In-Law.
Yesterday we went out to eat with my parents and Future Father-In-Law & C. Future Mother-In-Law threw a fit when she found out we went to eat with them. I was not there so I was trying to find out from Fiance why she was upset (she has thrown a fit before when we’ve gone out to eat with them). My parents have invited her and her SO out before and she always turns them down so I just don’t understand why she is upset. According to Fiance she is upset because she feels as though C is replacing her as “mom”. This is ridiculous. Does she really expect my parents and I to avoid bonding with Future Father-In-Law and C because she feels left out? She then got upset when we told her there would
So after being upset about that Future Father-In-Law calls Fiance today and was extremely upset. He asked Fiance why C’s ex-husband was invited to our wedding. When we looked at our guest list we found that Future Mother-In-Law had included him. Fiance didn’t help stuff the envelopes or see the name and I had no idea who he was so neither of us caught this. Future Father-In-Law goes on saying that C and her ex can’t even be in the same room without arguing and she does not want him at the wedding. I think this is very reasonable and I understand. I asked Fiance if Future Mother-In-Law speaks to this guy and it turns out she hasn’t spoken to him in quite awhile. This leads me to believe that she invited him out of spite. She HAD to have known what she was doing. I’m very upset with both sides. Future Father-In-Law suggested that Fiance had purposely done this because he doesn’t like C (which is untrue) and I’m furious with Future Mother-In-Law for taking out her spite on our wedding. I try to think the best of her in this situation but why would you invite someone’s ex-husband when you haven’t even spoken to him in years? We haven’t spoken to Future Mother-In-Law yet because Future Father-In-Law feels as though she has “won” if she knows he is upset. It’s like a big game that high schoolers play!
I just don’t know how to deal with this. Is this normal? I understand divorces are emotional, but after 7-8 years shouldn’t parents be able to put their feelings on hold for the sake of their kids? I’m also sad that our wedding has turned into a way for Future Mother-In-Law to try get back at Future Father-In-Law. This is supposed to be a celebration of love and it no longer feels that way.
Post # 3
Yikes, I would uninvite all of them. Then I would tell the “grown-ups” to all get together like grown-ups and figure out a way to get alone. If they can’t get along and not use your happy day as a way to get back at each other than they simply can’t come to the wedding.
This might be harsh, but can you imagine how awful your wedding day will be with all the petty passive aggressive bs distracting from you and your Fiance from enjoying your one day to celebrate starting a life together.
For me the worst offense is your Future Mother-In-Law inviting C’s ex-husband. That is just rude, immature and I would be pissed that she used my wedding invites to hurt her ex. She would get a big loud reality check letting her know exactly what I think of her behavior if she were my Future Mother-In-Law.
Whatever you decide, you need to make sure you have a united front with your Fiance and stand firm on the ground rules.
Post # 4
Your Future Mother-In-Law is understandably hurt by the past, but inviting C’s ex-husband is really awful.
8 years should be enough time to learn how to cope with one another but for some people, no amount of time helps – my husband’s parents have been divorced something like 23 or 24 years (since he was a baby) and his dad has been remarried for 20 years. While my in-laws are perfectly civil, my husband’s step mom regularly acts horrifically rude to my husband’s mother. Even with time, some adults refuse to act like grown ups and refuse to put the interest of their children first.
I think first of all, your fiance needs to speak with his mother about the invitation situation, and y’all need to apologize to his dad and his step-mom about it and explain that this was not something you intended to happen. I think you need to make it clear to all parties that they need to suck it up and be civil and/or ensure they’re safely out of each other’s way on the wedding. We were really anxious about these dynamics as well and lucked out that only bio parents could come to the wedding, but in your case, I’m not sure how best to handle it when it’s your fiance’s mom that is causing so much trouble.
Post # 5
I’m a child of divorce, and my middle brother chose to invite our mother and her new husband to his wedding in December 2011. This made my dad, myself and dad’s family very uncomfortable, but we sucked it up for my brother. Trust me, this was not easy, there’s a lot of lying, pain, manipulation and a LOT of bad things happened due to her etc , but we all love my brother deeply and chose to put our feelings aside for her for the day and partake in his happy day. We just kept our distance from her and her husband.
Id suggest you speak to each parent involved, plus their spouses and tell them to grow up and keep their distance from each other or they’ll be uninvited. Their love for their son should outweigh any bad feelings they have towards each others and if it doesn’t, then they aren’t people you want to spend that joyous day with. Harsh, perhaps, but you don’t need to be checking on them for the entire day.
Post # 6
My parents have been divorced for a long time (15 years or so). My mom was remarried for a while (now divorced a second time), and my Dad has been with someone for about 8 years now and got married a few years ago.
Strangely, my mom and dad are now pretty good friends. My dad has health problems and my mom checks on him for me since my dad tends to play down problems and I’m out of the country. They get along well, sometimes have lunch, etc. My stepmom is insecure about this, but it’s more or less fine. When I’m in the country, it’s pretty common for my dad and SMom to come to dinner at my grandparent’s house (mom’s mom), etc.
Sounds like your inlaws are being children to me. Your Future Mother-In-Law needs to grow up and act like an adult. I’d have Fiance continue to field this. “Mom, it’s been 8 years. They’re married, and C is a part of my life. I hope you can put this aside for our wedding.”
Post # 7
This is not normal. They all need to grow up. As for the immediate problem, I would tell Future Mother-In-Law that she needs to call C’s ex husband and uninvite him. If she doesn’t, tell her she won’t be able to come either. You guys shouldn’t be subject to their childish games.
Post # 8
I’ve posted about this numerous times – but do not be surprised that even after 8 years Future Mother-In-Law is still bitter about the situation. My mother has been divorced from my father for nearly 25 years – one year longer than she was married to him – and her bitterness has got worse over that time. Unlike your Future Mother-In-Law though, my mother hasn’t had a relationship since.
C’s ex H needs to be uninvited, for sure. A simple ‘Your name was included on the invitation list in error’ is all it takes. If he has any sense/class, he will take it well.
Your Fiance needs to make it clear to his mother than your wedding is not a time for her to be playing these stupid teenage games.
Post # 9
I’m not surprised. FI’s parents have been divorced for like 25 years, Future Father-In-Law has been remarried for 20 years, and Future Mother-In-Law is STILL bitter about it. Future Mother-In-Law HATES FI’s stepmom, and though she can be civil to Future Father-In-Law (they recently ran into each other and had a nice chat), she and Future Father-In-Law both still say rude things about one another. It’s really annoying and childish.
Why in the world did C’s ex husband get invited?
Post # 10
@BeeBiscuit: Fiance and I are definitely united on this. He agrees with me that they all need to get along. I’m so worried about the wedding. His mom has agreed “not to start anything” and his dad is usually laid back and calm (his mom is usually the one that purposely does something to aggravate him) but I’m concerned about the tension that will be in the air. We are having well over 200 guests so I’m hoping this is enough people to keep them occupied. We can’t univite them at this point because they have helped us pay for parts of the venue already.
@Mrs.LemonDrop: The few divorces that I have seen are like this. He has said this to her and I’ll encourage him to keep saying it to her. I’m just worried about the future as well. Hopefully the wedding will go smoothly but I’m not happy that we will have to continue being the go between for them.
@AlwaysSunny: Agreed. Fiance said he would uninvite this guy so Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t get upset. I think this is extremely unfair and I think that Future Mother-In-Law should be the one to call. His dad doesn’t want Fiance to call her but that’s all part of their stupid game with each other. I plan on asking him again tonight to call and explain that we will not be used to create problems between Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law. If she wants to continue this feud she will not be doing it by using us and if it continues we will be cutting off contact with her. Is that too harsh?
@Baal: I understand why she’s bitter. I would be too, but I think at this point (8 years later and a happy relationship for her) she should be able to put it aside for her children, but I guess I see now that there are plenty of examples where adults are just not able to do this. We’re hoping he would take it well and realize how awkward this is for us.
@vorpalette: He was invited because Future Mother-In-Law added his name to the list and I just printed the envelope off with the rest of them. I didn’t know C’s previous last name so it didn’t even seem weird to me. Fiance didn’t even know about it until his dad called him last night. We both feel absolutely terrible about it. His dad is usually very laid back and calm and now thinks that we did this on purpose. I love Future Father-In-Law and C and I’m hoping that after speaking with them again tonight they understand that we did not do this to them purposely.
Post # 11
Did Future Father-In-Law leave Future Mother-In-Law for C?
Post # 12
@MrsBeck: I don’t want to say this is normal — it isn’t really, or at least it shouldn’t be. But it is common. The thing is, there is so much emotion wrapped up in divorce, that those involved just sometimes have trouble getting on with their lives. I’m sorry this is making wedding planning so difficult for you.
My only bit of advice is to try to let your Fiance handle this. Talk to him about it and see what, if anything, he feels comfortable doing to try to make things more amicable. Leave it to him, because although you’re marrying into their family, it might get even more messy if YOU step in and try to help make ammends.
Familes are always full of drama. Consider yourself lucky that you weren’t exposed to divorce in your life, and definitely use that to your advantage in your marriage! I always liked the saying “if you think someone’s life is normal, you just don’t know them very well.”
Hang in there! Hopefully your future in-laws can find a way to be civil, if only for your wedding day.
Post # 13
@sportsgal31: Fiance said no, but his mom thinks they were seeing each other. The divorces occurred around the same time though so I’m a little suspicious I understand why Future Mother-In-Law thinks it might have happened and I understand why she is bitter. Unlike Fiance though, I refuse to be used as a pawn in their game regardless of what happened.
Post # 14
@MrsBeck: But you didn’t see his name on the list and wonder who the eff it was? At all? I mean, we had a “no strangers” rule (though we didn’t ask either side for any names, since it was family and our close friends only), and I would have wondered who “Mr. So-and-So” was. before I printed off an envelope for him.
Post # 15
Wow, that is so out of line for Future Mother-In-Law to invite your fiance’s dad’s new wife’s ex! She needs to uninvite him and to explain to you, your Fiance, and your Future Father-In-Law what she did, apologize for it, and make it right. That is so immature and unacceptable. She does not have to like “C” but she can’t take it out on you guys, which is exactly what she’s doing.
Please make sure you have a seating chart and Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law are sitting on opposite ends of the room, because Future Mother-In-Law sounds like a loose cannon.
Post # 16
@vorpalette: No. I didn’t wonder. Our parents are helping us pay and Future Mother-In-Law wanted to invite a few of her friends. Since our parents are contributing so much we did not have a no strangers rule. We asked them to keep strangers to a minimum but we did not want to tell them they couldn’t invite anyone we did not know. We also live eight hours away from our parents so they could be great friends with people we have never met because we are only home a few times a year.
I do not believe I did anything wrong. I was in the midst of printing and stuffing over 150 envelopes. I wasn’t about to call her and question everyone on her list I did not know.