(Closed) How do I deal with his family?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

Yikes, I would uninvite all of them.  Then I would tell the “grown-ups” to all get together like grown-ups and figure out a way to get alone.  If they can’t get along and not use your happy day as a way to get back at each other than they simply can’t come to the wedding. 

This might be harsh, but can you imagine how awful your wedding day will be with all the petty passive aggressive bs distracting from you and your Fiance from enjoying your one day to celebrate starting a life together.

For me the worst offense is your Future Mother-In-Law inviting C’s ex-husband. That is just rude, immature and I would be pissed that she used my wedding invites to hurt her ex.  She would get a big loud reality check letting her know exactly what I think of her behavior if she were my Future Mother-In-Law. 

Whatever you decide, you need to make sure you have a united front with your Fiance and stand firm on the ground rules.

Good luck

Post # 4
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Your Future Mother-In-Law is understandably hurt by the past, but inviting C’s ex-husband is really awful.

8 years should be enough time to learn how to cope with one another but for some people, no amount of time helps – my husband’s parents have been divorced something like 23 or 24 years (since he was a baby) and his dad has been remarried for 20 years. While my in-laws are perfectly civil, my husband’s step mom regularly acts horrifically rude to my husband’s mother. Even with time, some adults refuse to act like grown ups and refuse to put the interest of their children first.

I think first of all, your fiance needs to speak with his mother about the invitation situation, and y’all need to apologize to his dad and his step-mom about it and explain that this was not something you intended to happen. I think you need to make it clear to all parties that they need to suck it up and be civil and/or ensure they’re safely out of each other’s way on the wedding. We were really anxious about these dynamics as well and lucked out that only bio parents could come to the wedding, but in your case, I’m not sure how best to handle it when it’s your fiance’s mom that is causing so much trouble.

Post # 5
Member
917 posts
Busy bee

I’m a child of divorce, and my middle brother chose to invite our mother and her new husband to his wedding in December 2011. This made my dad, myself and dad’s family very uncomfortable, but we sucked it up for my brother. Trust me, this was not easy, there’s a lot of lying, pain, manipulation and a LOT of bad things happened due to her etc , but we all love my brother deeply and chose to put our feelings aside for her for the day and partake in his happy day. We just kept our distance from her and her husband. 

 

Id suggest you speak to each parent involved, plus their spouses and tell them to grow up and keep their distance from each other or they’ll be uninvited. Their love for their son should outweigh any bad feelings they have towards each others and if it doesn’t, then they aren’t people you want to spend that joyous day with. Harsh, perhaps, but you don’t need to be checking on them for the entire day.

Post # 6
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My parents have been divorced for a long time (15 years or so). My mom was remarried for a while (now divorced a second time), and my Dad has been with someone for about 8 years now and got married a few years ago. 

Strangely, my mom and dad are now pretty good friends. My dad has health problems and my mom checks on him for me since my dad tends to play down problems and I’m out of the country. They get along well, sometimes have lunch, etc. My stepmom is insecure about this, but it’s more or less fine. When I’m in the country, it’s pretty common for my dad and SMom to come to dinner at my grandparent’s house (mom’s mom), etc. 

Sounds like your inlaws are being children to me. Your Future Mother-In-Law needs to grow up and act like an adult. I’d have Fiance continue to field this. “Mom, it’s been 8 years. They’re married, and C is a part of my life. I hope you can put this aside for our wedding.” 

Post # 7
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

This is not normal. They all need to grow up. As for the immediate problem, I would tell Future Mother-In-Law that she needs to call C’s ex husband and uninvite him. If she doesn’t, tell her she won’t be able to come either. You guys shouldn’t be subject to their childish games.

Post # 8
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’ve posted about this numerous times – but do not be surprised that even after 8 years Future Mother-In-Law is still bitter about the situation.  My mother has been divorced from my father for nearly 25 years – one year longer than she was married to him – and her bitterness has got worse over that time.  Unlike your Future Mother-In-Law though, my mother hasn’t had a relationship since.

C’s ex H needs to be uninvited, for sure.   A simple ‘Your name was included on the invitation list in error’ is all it takes.  If he has any sense/class, he will take it well. 

Your Fiance needs to make it clear to his mother than your wedding is not a time for her to be playing these stupid teenage games.  

Post # 9
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m not surprised. FI’s parents have been divorced for like 25 years, Future Father-In-Law has been remarried for 20 years, and Future Mother-In-Law is STILL bitter about it. Future Mother-In-Law HATES FI’s stepmom, and though she can be civil to Future Father-In-Law (they recently ran into each other and had a nice chat), she and Future Father-In-Law both still say rude things about one another. It’s really annoying and childish.

Why in the world did C’s ex husband get invited?

Post # 11
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Did Future Father-In-Law leave Future Mother-In-Law for C?

Post # 12
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MrsBeck:  I don’t want to say this is normal — it isn’t really, or at least it shouldn’t be. But it is common. The thing is, there is so much emotion wrapped up in divorce, that those involved just sometimes have trouble getting on with their lives. I’m sorry this is making wedding planning so difficult for you. 

My only bit of advice is to try to let your Fiance handle this. Talk to him about it and see what, if anything, he feels comfortable doing to try to make things more amicable. Leave it to him, because although you’re marrying into their family, it might get even more messy if YOU step in and try to help make ammends. 

Familes are always full of drama. Consider yourself lucky that you weren’t exposed to divorce in your life, and definitely use that to your advantage in your marriage! I always liked the saying “if you think someone’s life is normal, you just don’t know them very well.” 

Hang in there! Hopefully your future in-laws can find a way to be civil, if only for your wedding day. 

Post # 14
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MrsBeck:  But you didn’t see his name on the list and wonder who the eff it was? At all? I mean, we had a “no strangers” rule (though we didn’t ask either side for any names, since it was family and our close friends only), and I would have wondered who “Mr. So-and-So” was. before I printed off an envelope for him.

Post # 15
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Wow, that is so out of line for Future Mother-In-Law to invite your fiance’s dad’s new wife’s ex!  She needs to uninvite him and to explain to you, your Fiance, and your Future Father-In-Law what she did, apologize for it, and make it right.  That is so immature and unacceptable.  She does not have to like “C” but she can’t take it out on you guys, which is exactly what she’s doing.

 

Please make sure you have a seating chart and Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law are sitting on opposite ends of the room, because Future Mother-In-Law sounds like a loose cannon.

 

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