Post # 1
FH has an aunt who is married to a real jerk
everbody in his family loves this aunt dearly, but HATES her husband. they all wonder why she is with him. The first time I met him, he made some really racist comments
I’m biracial and many of my family members are black. I don’t want this guy at my wedding and I dont want him to say offensive things to my family
The problem is, everyone is saying that even though no one wants to, we have to invite him. FH, his parents, they all insist that we have to invite this uncle. I’ve told them out and out that he is a racist and I don’t want him a family and they just get this kind of sad look on their faces and say, “yeah we all hate him, but we have to invite him. He might not come” (he doesnt always come to family events with his wife, but he did come to our engagement party and made a drunken ass of himself)
ugh. the thought of him saying something to my mom or my grandma makes me sick and SO so anxious. how do I deal.
Post # 3
@radishtime: wait. You’re saying that you’re half Black and no one supports the fact that you do not want a blatant racist at your wedding (or around you at all)? That befuddles me. I wouldn’t do it. Who on earth could blame you?! Especially since he already showed his behind at your engagement party. His racist comments/actions were his decision. If he’s comfortable behaving like that, then he has to be comfortable with the consequences, which IMO include: you don’t get to kick it with the new Black in-laws because you clearly don’t know how to act.
Post # 5
Holy crap. Are you close to your aunt? Could you talk to her about it?
Post # 6
The one thing I’ll say is I don’t support invitihim the aunt alone, that will cause more problems. They are a package deal
Post # 7
This is so relatable for me! My uncle is a complete racist. And he’s racist against mexicans and immigrants. I don’t think he realizes that I’m Mexican (because I was adopted by my white mom).
So anyway, when he says shit I just point him in the direction of fact checker websites etc. I tell him when stuff he posts is hurtful to me…I get that I can’t change his mind about the broader issues. But he backs off when I say this.
I actually love this uncle. It really does seem like he doesn’t know I’m Mexican. But I refuse to let it happen without saying something. If it became intentionally abusive he’d be nixed from the guest list and I wouldn’t bat an eyelash about it!
Post # 8
I’m not sure why you have to invite him if everyone hates him. It sounds like there would be more drama with him there
Post # 9
Your Fiance gets to talk to the aunt. He can tell her about the things he has already said to you as well as the drunk engagement party antics and say that it is unacceptable. Your Fiance can tell her it’s up to her to decide whether or not he comes, that there will be many races attending and if auntie thinks uncle would be too tempted to be inappropriate then he should not come.
Post # 10
@radishtime: This is really a tricky situation, on the one hand this uncle is a racist jerk and it’s competely understandable that you don’t want him there.
On the other hand this jerk is also your FI’s uncle and married to an aunt your Fiance truly cares about. Not inviting him may cause an irrepairable rift between your Fiance and this aunt.
Etiquette wise, they are a couple and a social unit, and family, so you “have” to invite him. It sounds like your Fiance isn’t onboard to not include his uncle in what is also his special day as well.
You are literally betwen a rock and a hard place here. If you stand your ground and refuse to include him, it might cause irrepairable damage withing your FI’s family and also cause problems between yourself and your Fiance. While including him will make you uncomfortable and may cause your family and loved ones to be uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, if you can’t get your Fiance on board to not invite this uncle, there really isn’t much you can do about it, it’s his wedding too and he’s entitled to have those he wants in attendance as well.
Post # 11
Wow. Sorry you’re in this situation. Are you and Fiance able to talk to his Aunt very honestly and say that you are inviting them but if Uncle acts out, even in the slightest, then he will be escorted from the premises without hesitation?
Post # 12
@radishtime: If his family is saying you have to invite him, they are out of their minds. If you don’t invite him (and possibly by connection, Fi’s Aunt) you will have offended two people (one of which is a dick, so who cares?)
If you DO invite him, you will be offending every one of your family members, including yourself. This is simple. Have a talk again with fi’s family, and really spell this out for them. Paint a picture of your day. Paint a picture of your family’s reactions and feelings. This is one very cut and dry instance of when it is not just ok, but absolutely right to intentionally not invite a fmaily member.
If you feel you need to, have a talk with Fi’s aunt in person. Tell her your concerns. This could build a great big wall, but it’s best to get this out in the open.
Good luck. Sorry you’re getting this baggae by marrying your fi.
Post # 13
@radishtime: I don’t understand why it seems that all brides struggle with this issue of whether or not to invite idiots that they don’t want at their wedding. It is YOUR wedding and if YOU don’t want him there don’t invite him. Personally, my aunt would get an RSVP card stating that we have one seat reserved for her. Especially after he made an a$$ out of himself at your engagement party? This isn’t even a close call. Uncle Bigot gets no invite.
Post # 14
I don’t get all the ettiquette crap being tossed around on here. They’re a package deal? It sucks, but you have do deal with it? WHY? Says who? You can do something OTHER than what fi’s family wants you to. Just be honest about it. Clear the air, make your point well understood, and do what is best (in this case, what’s best is to not invite a racist ass to your wedding. Duh.)
They can not prefer your decision without hating you for life. Obviously, they’re sad you’re in this position too. But if you’re honest, and you explain things to them (not a discussion. Their input should not be changing your action on this) all they can do is agree, or disagree, and deal with it. This should not cause any major rifts, except of course concerning the aunt or her husband.
Ex. “I really appreciate the fact that you don’t want to exclude any member of your family at fi and my wedding. However, while I would love to have fi’s aunt there, I cannot invite her husband. In general, he is racist and rude, and I will not subject my family to him. Whats more, you saw how he behaved at our engagement party, and I am not going to unleash that on my wedding. I know this is difficult for you as well, but I’m going to make an effort to reach out to Fi’s aunt and give her the option of coming without him or staying home. I know this might not go well. However, I’m doing the best I can with the difficulty I’ve been given. Even though I’m worried about how this may turn out, I am firm in my decision that I will in no way be inviting a racist to my wedding, or any other events where he might be hurtful to me, or the family I love.”
Simple rule: no racists allowed. Period.
Post # 15
People act the way they do because other people allow it. This man is a racist and a jerk because no one has stood up to him and made it clear to him it won’t be accepted.
Your FI’s one aunt does not trump your entire family and I’m shocked other poster’s would think she did. I don’t allow my family to get disrespected or abused. I don’t care who I’m married too. Don’t lose your family for your in-laws. If they really cared about you, they would protect you from the uncle. Instead, they want to put you in danger of more abuse. Your own family would never do you like that.
Where is your FI? My husband is caucasian and he would still be fighting if someone had insulted me. Why isn’t he sticking up for you and your family and saying no, my uncle isn’t invited.
Verbally tell the aunt if she would like to come, she’s welcome. However, her husband is not welcomed. Let it be her choice.
Post # 16
I would just invite the aunt and live with my consequences. He should seriously think about appologizing to you if he really wants to go.
Hopefully the aunt wouldnt just bring him anyways, despite him not being invited…