(Closed) How do I deal with this?

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
709 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would have told him that as a 13 year old and a child, while you will always respect his feelings, he in no way has a say as to whether you and Fiance decide for another baby. All you can do is reiterate how it won’t change his life drastically or that you’ll love him any less. Once a baby comes, he’ll get over it.

Post # 5
2951 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1998

@Lulume:  childrens feelings change all the time I’d cross that bridge when it’s here.

Theirs no point worrying about something that isn’t happening for some time yet. 

Post # 6
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Lulume:  “Then we got into a talk about how much he doesn’t want me to have a baby and that it would effect his life and even though I told him that it won’t”

Well of course it’s going to affect his life. I think for kids around that age – kids who’ve become used to what life is like, and who are already facing changes in their family – it can be really difficult to get used to the idea of a new baby. It will affect his life and his experience in your family. Maybe it makes him feel nervous, like his dad might not focus on him and his sister once a new baby comes, or you won’t feel the same about your fiance’s kids as you do about your own (I’m not saying this is true, but it’s something some kids feel). A new baby will, naturally, take attention away from him and he may not like that – and that’s a normal feeling.

It comes down to the fact that you and your fiance are the ones who will determine if you have a baby, but you have to realize that it will be a change in the lives of your fiance’s kids and in your family as a whole, and while his way of expressing his feelings is frustrating and hurtful for you, what he’s feeling isn’t that unusual.

Post # 7
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Lulume:  He’s 13, not 3. He should be able to have a mature converstion about how dad and new wife might have a child, but they will love him just as much as they always have. I think the person to have this conversation should be his father, not you.

You just ignore him. My 14 year old makes all sorts of crazy random requests (get a new car, get a dog, etc). You don’t let a 13 year old tell you what to do with your life.

Post # 10
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Lulume:  Yes, but he was *3* when his sister was born, so she’s essentially been a part of his life and family for the majority of his memory. A new baby at 13 – especially a new baby in a blended family – is unknown territory. I would be patient with his feelings on this, even if they are based on inaccurate perceptions. Plenty of 13 year olds think the idea of their parent(s) having a baby is pretty awful or weird. 

I don’t necessarily think it’s a problem if he is comfortable talking to you and doesn’t want to talk to his dad, as long as he is respectful about it. I do think at this point you might want to mention these concerns to your fiance and ask him to talk to his kids about how your family might change over the next few years.

Don’t let this stress you out too much. Kids and young teenagers change their minds quite frequently, and they sometimes don’t adapt to changes the way we want them to or expect them too. And maybe his little sister’s enthusiasm for a sibling will rub off on him over time…

Post # 11
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would have the conversation with the kids together at this point. if he says one thing to you and another to dad. its time to have it together and he needs to be blunt with the child and say why have you been telling (you) that you are afriad of moving to the basement only after she mentioned a baby. 13 years old is old enough to know better then to make up such things and try to play innocent, and is definitely old enough to have a blunt conversation like that if talkings seperately  have occured and he denies everything to the father.

Post # 12
6830 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

My BIL/SIL sorta had the same problem, SIL had a child before she married Brother-In-Law, so for almost nephews life he had been an only child at age 14 mom and step dad had a baby, Nephew had pretty much the same talk, he didn’t want to move rooms to baby sit. He ended up having to baby sit a lot.  So I get where the 13 yr old is coming from.

I would take the 13 yr old feelings into consideration and yes a baby will change everyone’s lives a lot.  I would sit him down both your Fiance and yourself and have a discussion and listen to the boys fears and reassure him, and let him know he can’t decide for you but his feelings will be heard and taken into consideration.

Post # 13
46612 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Are you willing to consider that perhaps you are not emotionally ready to have another child? If you are already on medication for stress, and a conversation with a 13 year old  makes you want to crawl in a ball and cry, you may not be ready for this.

13 year olds are very self centred. He likely sees his world turning upside down with a new baby, but he will adjust.He didn’t forget that he has a fear of the basement. He is just trying to guilt you into not having a baby.


Post # 14
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Why are you talking about your family planning with your 13 year old in the first place? They are your kids, thus they don’t get to have a say in this matter. Keep the discussion where it belongs… between the adults.

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