Post # 1
Hi guys, ive been stalking the site for the past week or so looking for answers and didnt find what i wanted so i thought i would make my own post (sorry im new and not sure how it works).
Basically i am 23 as is my partner, we’re from the UK and just bought our first home in January. We have been dating for 2 years (i know its not long but our timeline for children etc means we need to hurry things along lol) I have a 4 year old lb from a previous relationship whom my OH has taken on as his own and we have discussed marriage a few times. Last year we both agreed that we would be married before buying our first home but at the last minute decided it wasnt possible because of money and buying was cheaper than renting so we should just go for it and we did yay. but now im worried that because i let that deadline slide he will keep moving the goalposts =/
OH recently got a new job with a 3 month probationary period and says after the 3 months as soon as we can afford a ring he will pop the question but not because i want him to (weird because i will always want him to). Anyway after he said this i started getting excited but i think its scared him a bit or he just doesnt want to think about it, he says we can talk about it but then whenever i bring it up he sighs and makes an argument, ive tried not talking about it but i cant help it. i have a few hobbies to focus on but most generally leave me a lot of thinking room so i always wander back to wedding and engagement plans.
My question is (sorry for not getting to the point faster i am a rambler) how on earth do you shut it up, what are your techniques. I feel like the more i talk the less he wants to commit so i need to shut it up immediately but im such a chatterbox im finding it really difficult. the longest ive gone is 24 hours but thats not really a big deal because he works mon-fri and i work sat-sun lol. help please and T.I.A
Post # 3
I sat my SO down and explained that I understood that getting married was a big and scary thing, and that getting engaged was also big and scary, and that I could and would be patient for him, and that he could take the time he needed – I am not going anywhere. And I then explained that it’s also big and scary – and hard, and in a way painful – to already know that I want to marry him, but to still be in a place where he was trying to make that decision himself. I said that I had gone through the same thing when I was deciding I wanted to spend my life with him, so I understood that it was difficult, and I was not asking him to hurry or make up his mind right away or anything like that, I was simply asking that he extend the same patience to me that I was extending to him. And if that meant I was sometimes a bit quiet or sad, or sometimes a bit more mushy-romantic than usual, so be it. Or maybe that meant I could look at wedding-related things, or watch wedding-related shows or movies without having to feel like I was sneaking around, to make waiting easier.
He said, “So…you want to act like a girl? Okay.”
It’s notable I suppose that these are all things he apparently assumed that I, as a female, would be inclined to do. But I suppose in this instance I can’t really muster up my usual indignation at the sexism. (He’s a good man, but he’s also a product of the culture that we live in, and as such, I don’t think I’ll ever expect him to be fully without a bit of sexist in him – goodness knows I can’t truly say to be completely free of it myself! Cultural bias is something we should always fight against, but also always be aware of as a real and present part of ourselves. Until we acknowledge something, recognize it, we cannot be effective in changing it.)
Anyway, being able to ogle and plan, guilt-free, has really eased the wait for me. I’m still waiting, but I do not feel any urge to bring it up in conversation on a regular basis. Before, I wasn’t bringing it up, but only because I was continually repressing that urge.
Post # 4
Haha you sound exactly like me! I just can’t keep my big mouth shut when it comes to getting engaged and weddings and such! I’m not entirely sure what you can do, sorry. With my SO I tried to make it as clear as possible that the reason I can’t stop talking about it all is because I’m excited about this next stage in our life. And while it’ll be fun to plan a wedding, I’m just really excited and happy at the thought of being married to him. I also let him know that I completely understand that getting engaged is something that will happen on his time frame – whenever that may be. This is probably so not helpful and for that I apologise. It’s a hard place to be in..
Oh and welcome to the hive! I’m pretty new too but everyone seems so lovely here 🙂
Post # 5
Thanks bees it felt like i was the only person like this, i keep looking at rings and wedding ideas obviously i wont put any deposits down or anything until ive got the ring but i cant help looking because im so excited, i wanna tell everybody but they would expect a proper proposal like now and they can be more pushy than me so that would have a more than terrible effect im sure.
i spoke to my SO this morning and told him i was sorry he felt like i was attacking him when i wasnt meaning to i just was getting ahead of myself, its the next important step for us both in life and i have a right to want to discuss it, he agreed but only as long as i dont try to push the engagement timeline sooner than 3 months (which is fine by me 3 months will fly by with a 4 year old in the house).
He even said it would be okay to email him ring ideas and then he will pick one out of my choices and to give him tips on the proposal, this turned out to be a very good discussion so thankyou very much you have been very helpful =]