(Closed) How do I feel at home after moving in?

posted 9 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

Can you refurnish at least one room? Paint? For me, decorating to my taste is what makes me feel like I’m at home… I couldn’t move into someone else’s space and feel that way, especially if I had no actual space of my own there, unless I actually changed something.

Post # 4
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

Eh, for me, it was hard for a while too. I felt like it was "his house". I do most of the chores (he’s not a big chores guy) which I am fine with. I think some of what helped was hanging up some of my pictures/art, some "me" touches like flowers and plants, and meshing my dishes with his, so now we use "all" of them (apart from the fancy stuff). The first time we had his family over for a get-together after I moved in, with them using "all" the dishes etc, then I felt more like it was our home not just his because we hosted together.
We picked out our bedroom colors together, but he gave me carte blanche on the guest bedroom so it’s very "me", and I love when we have guests and they have a lovely, comfortable place to stay.

Post # 5
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Find one spot that is ALL YOURS- mine is always my desk, wherever I am at. It explodes with my likes. Make it comfy, and slowly you’ll be more comfortable in other areas of the house.

Post # 6
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

I agree – find a place that’s yours! Eventually, you won’t need it, but at first, it’s really necessary.  Before I realized that our dining room was entirely furnished with my stuff (ha!), I used to find myself hiding out in my SUV.  Pathetic, but I felt better in there, especially if we’d had a fight.

Now, 18 months after we moved in together, I don’t need to be in "my" room anymore, and I’ve even shared my bookshelves and office (a big step!).

Also, I have this theory.  I call it the "fishbowl" theory.  I used to have semi-aggressive fish in my tank, and they’d been together so long they’d kill newcomers, even aggressive fish.  So, every time I wanted to introduce someone new, I’d rearrange their entire tank.  Now the regulars had to fight for new hiding spaces with the newbies, and nobody died.

I think, on a much less aggressive scale, this happens in houses, too – especially if you’re kind of territorial, like me! (not that you are)  So, pick a room that’s important to you, maybe the kitchen, and take everything out and put it in boxes (or even just another room).  All of it.  Then, together, unpack.  Suddenly, you’re talking about whether or not trash bags should go under the sink, or the coffee maker near the stove or the fridge, or glasses near the plates… and voila! You’re working as a team, and the finished space is jointly owned.  Granted, it might break out into a fight (did I ever tell you about the time we got into a HUGE fight over whether clothes should be on hangers or not? No?  Well, that was a fun one), but you can start small if that’s a risk.

Good luck!  It will get easier.

Post # 7
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

When I moved in, my fiance had lived in his house for about 9 years. But he had never really decorated and still had a lot of hand me down furniture. He had a ton of mismatched plastic cups. So we went to Target. And we bought new glasses together. A few months ago, we bought a new couch. I’ve pretty much taken over the spare bedroom for all of my craft stuff, shoes, and purses. We have rearranged the main living/dining area and I’ve added a few of my pictures and put some of my books on his bookshelf. And we merged our cd collections. I also helped with chores. Of course now I’m not working so I do most of the cleaning and laundry.

So it just a bunch of little things but they have made a big difference in helping to make this feel like our home instead of his home.

Post # 8
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

i rearranged his kitchen and sorted through everything to make space for my stuff. where we had duplicates, we picked the better one and threw the rest out. as a result, we’re eating on my plates and cutlery.

in the bathroom and bedroom, we cleared out space so I would have complete sections / corners to myself.  we also put up my pictures throughout the apartment and moved his around to accomodate.

we did these together over the course of a few weekends – so it was like moving into a new space somewhat together.

with chores, we didn’t do this but i was advised to come up with a chore list so both parties do their fair share?

hope that helps.

Post # 9
Member
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Cheese, I really like your "fishbowl theory"! Ok. Well I think I kind of did that.

I’ve lived with fiance for like … 2 years now? Hmm … wow. I remember that one day I rearranged the whole kitchen. Wel actually, I’ve rearranged everything because when I moved in … it was totally a single guys bachelor pad … lol. I never felt uncomfortable though. 

It all began with a drawer and than morphed into me taking over an empty (full of junk) closet. Lol. Now I share his walk in closet, have my drawer and also the other side closet. 

I actually still say ____’s(<-insert fiances name) condo but I call it home … like I’m going home … lol.

Post # 10
Member
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I had the same thing happen.  It didn’t start to feel like my house too until we replaced his futons with my couches.  I agree with everyone that says you need to have your own space in the house.  Oh, and hanging one or two pictures doesn’t count as redecorating, or at least it didn’t for me.  The changes had to be significant and I think they had to affect him as well.  Cheese’s fishbowl theory sums it up perfectly.  🙂

Post # 12
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

luckily that hasn’t been an issue for me.  but i agree with the advice above.  find a way to make one of the spaces your own.  soon enough you’ll feel like partners in it all.  

Post # 13
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

He moved in with me, but about 2 or 3 months into living together, I avoided a mini explosion on my end by having the chore conversation with him. He was so used to me doing everything and I never complained or asked him to help so I was literally doing it all. Finally, I told him it wasn’t working and our place was too much of a mess so now we have assigned chores (he does the floors and surfaces, I do the bathrooms and kitchens) and it works out great! We are also slowly picking out furniture and electronics together, so that helps too.

Post # 14
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

His was really a bachelor pad before I came around…so decorating with "my stuff" helped A LOT!

Post # 15
Member
24 posts
Newbee

New Bed linens always help and make a big impact.  Something new that you picked out together.  It also helped me to have hime get rid of things.  He had a big house for 1 person with lots of stuff, then my stuff and it was too much.  We both purged a lot, that meant all that was left were the things we needed or that we individually really like. Like some one else suggested getting rid of duplicates.

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