(Closed) How do I fix this?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3004 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

was your best friend a male? If that was the case maybe Fiance was worried that if you guys were hanging out alone that would be awkward for him. I’m not sure how to fix this but I just thought I would throw that out there for you. I hope things get better soon, these kinds of things are not fun

Post # 5
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I get that your guy is hurting but he is also being a little ridiculous. How someone can think that you are saying that you chose the wrong guy when you are just friends is beyond me but sometimes, men are a little stupid LOL

If your fiance is anything like mine, you sometimes have to talk about stuff until you can’t stand it anymore to get him to understand what it is that you are saying. I would sit him down again and tell him in plain and simple terms. X is my FRIEND. I have never wanted to be anything more than friends with him. He is important to me as a friend but never as anything else. YOU are the man that I want to spend my life with. Being with anyone else is not possible because of the love that I have for you.

People often jump the gun and only listen to part of what you are saying to them when they get emotional. Talk to him again. Be clear and ask him to not say anything until you are finished speaking and then ask him to tell you what he feels that you are saying. If he has it wrong, say things again in a different way. Keep talking to him until he gets it that’s all that you can do, I think.

Post # 6
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

Guys don’t like thier girls to be close friend’s with other guys. Same way with most girls. It was an irrational fear because you knew it was just a friendship. Compare it to you telling him he can’t hang out with his best friend anymore because it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe that way he can see how you were feeling.

Sometimes love is just irrational. It makes you do and say crazy things but at the same time he needs to trust you, i mean come on, your with him!! I would say let them get to know eachother, but its been 4 years and friendships are just like relationships, they take time and effort and after a long time they just aren’t salvagable.

Marriage counseling before you get married would be good. At least that way you can get some useful tools for dealing with issues.

Post # 7
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Ms.Shamrock: I feel your pain. Some men seem to think that just because they hear the words that are coming out of your mouth, they are listening. False. Mr. Polar Bear can parrot back a million words but that doesn’t always mean he was understanding the intentions behind them.

I think you need to sit back down with fiance, because if I read correctly you were both drinking a little, and spell it out for him. You love him, he is the man you want to spend the next X amount of years with, and that is all there is to it. No if, ands, or buts. He has never played second fiddle to any male friends you may have had.

And then you explain that you miss having your friend. Not because he has a penis. Not because he does something for you romantically. But because he was your friend (and then if you’d like to be mushy throw in that Mr. Shamrock will always be your best friend *bat eyelashes here*). Having to give up a friend just because you have a bf/now fiance would make anyone sad, especially if that friend respected the boundaries established by your engagement. Sadness/Resentfulness does NOT equal ‘gee I wish I were with that other guy’, it means ‘gee I wish I didn’t have to give up a very close friend without provocation’.

Personally, If that didn’t work I would draw a diagram. Not being sarcastic, I literally do that sort of thing. It makes us both laugh, keeps the mood light, and the visual gets the point across. Although we’re both weird like that so I don’t know if you’d want to try that at home.

Hope it all works out (and sorry it took me so long to get my point across)

<3/The Polar Bears

Post # 9
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think you need to stand up for your right to have friends of your choice! My best friend when I met Fiance was a guy and we had been friends since I was 16 years old. Never romantically involved. I made it known immediately that my friends were not up for negotiation and if he was threatened he could show himself out. He trusted me, and I deserved that trust. Since we’ve been together I’m still friends with that guy– but now he is too. He actually asked him to be a groomsman in our wedding. 

I think there is room in your life for everyone and if your fiance has trust issues that needs to be addressed. 

Post # 11
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@MissCallieJean:I’m sorry, I have to disagree with you. If both people are secure in their relationship, there should be no reason why anyone should be uncomfortable with their SO hanging out with someone from the opposite sex. Especially if you were friends with that person before you started dating your SO. All of my best friends are guys and Darling Husband has some very close girl friends, and there was never an issue with us continuing our friendships once we stared dating because if we wanted to be with those other people, we would have dated them first! 

OP, I think it is very important that you reconnect with your friend and that your Darling Husband respects your friendship. You will go through the rest of your life resenting your Fiance because of the boundaries he created, and that is not healthy. He needs to trust and respect you.

Post # 12
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Would you guys be able to hang out together in a group setting?

That way your Fiance can be comfortable knowing that nothing will happen and even see the way you interact is purely friends and you can still get your bestie fix?

Post # 13
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Ms.Shamrock: I believe that protocols should be established from here on out: No serious talk shall be done under the influence. If he was drinking that gives a really plausible explanation as to why he thinks he heard what he thinks he heard. Suggest, if you decide to bring it up again, that perhaps alcohol distorts the best of intentions.

And Keep in Mind:
Perhaps what he heard that night were the insecurities and fears that he keeps buried deep down in his subconscious.

Post # 14
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

@CanAmBride- I agree with you. I feel the same way about feeling secure and you have nothing to worry about. I’m just saying not everyone feels that way. I have sooooo many friends that are jealous of thier SO/FI’s old gf or friends that are women and vise versa. From what OP said, that is how her Fiance feels and her friend feels the same way. Sometimes that never changes. Like I said love is irrational sometimes.

Post # 15
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I have found that the only way my Fiance really understands my point of view sometimes is to give him a real life example from his life.  We had a similar situation a few years ago where he made this new friend that was a girl, which I was cool with, but the went to class together, did athletic stuff together, etc. and it got to where he was spending a lot of time with her and I started to feel neglected (silly, but I felt it anyway).  It wasn’t really a trust issue just a comfort level thing for me I guess.  Anyway, I started hanging out with this guy I knew more often and he said it bothered him and I explained that’s EXACTLY how I felt.  Problem was solved.  I think he overreacted a little but maybe he has a friend that is a girl you could use as an example.

Post # 16
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It has been 4 years. Do you really think that you can still have that ‘same ol’ relationship with your best-friend that you used to back then? I feel the answer is no.

Also, knowing in the back of your head that your Fiance is still not 100% ok with this arrangement, both your best-friend and you will just plain feel awkward to try and salvage a frienship you put an end to.

I say let bygones be bygones and move forward. Just speak to your Fiance again and let him know that you were just venting out some repressed anger. You didn’t mean that you want to go back to that friendship, etc. It’s just your coping mechanism on putting certain things behind you.

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