How do I gently bring up getting engaged to my boyfriend?

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

louloumoo :  Hi there! I want to offer you support first of all. I agree that if he hasn’t asked you by now it may be something he isn’t interested in. You are right….you guys will practically be married. I would suggest not “hinting” and just have a direct conversation about it. You guys are buying a house together, be clear about your wants. Being married is very important to me so I would not be purchasing a house with someone who was my boyfriend but everyone is different so I’m crossing my fingers for you. Do you want to start a family? Are you willing to have children with him without a marriage? 

On a side note….how rude about the invite, I sent save the dates to both people that were in committed relationships regardless of an engagement/marriage/etc

Post # 3
Member
2677 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

louloumoo :  Have you ever discussed getting engaged/married? Like, do you know if that’s something he even wants to do? 

When I was still dating my husband, he talked about us buying a house together and I flat out told him no way in hell I’m going in on a house with him unless were married, which he understood.

Like you said, if you’re mature enough to buy a house together, you should be mature enough to have this discussion. If it were me, I’d let him know you’d like to know where you stand as a couple before moving forward with such a huge commitment. 

Post # 4
Member
7657 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

First of all, I think you need to be really honest with yourself about what you truly want in this relationship and what you can live with. You begin your post by saying you “really want to be engaged to him,” but then end it by saying you’d just be “a little sad” if he never wanted to marry you. Those two statements seem at odds with each other. There’s nothing wrong with never getting married if that’s truly what both partners want…all I’m saying is make sure you truly can live with that outcome if it comes to that, that you wont’ be eaten up with resentment 5, 10, or 20 yrs down the line as you continue being his wife in everything but name.

Second, as for how to talk to him, this is not a topic where hinting is a good idea. You just need to come out and ask him what his thoughts are about engagement – is it something he sees in your future? If so does he have a timeline in mind? Be honest about what you truly want and ask him to do the same. 

Good luck bee.

Post # 5
Member
831 posts
Busy bee

louloumoo :  To be clear, you haven’t brought up engagemnet yet? If you haven’t start by letting him know. Ask him when he sees marriage taking place. He should be curious of where you stand in it as well. 

Let him know a timeframe you would liek and vocalize what you said here. Let him know you’re aware of future expenses and that you wouldnt mind a stand in ring, something small or inexpensive for now, so that the whole process moves forward. Let him know your thoughts.

 

Good louck, and congrats on the soon to be home offer! GL, bee. 

Post # 7
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

vanessalynn22 :  I don’t think the lack of invite was rude. Even if it was contrary to what you decided, OP has no right to an invitation, and it would be rude to expect one. Furthermore, OP’s boyfriend’s sister may be picking up on hints from her brother than the relationship is not headed towards marriage. louloumoo :  Also, the phrasing of “had to have a shotgun wedding” is a bit judgemental.

louloumoo : In your case, I wouldn’t recommend the financial entanglement buying a house would entail before an engagement, or more ideally, a marriage. If you do choose to go forward, however, it would be best if you treat it as a business arrangement with a discussion and written agreement of how much each would invest and receive at each state.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

“Buying a house is such a big step, I’ve been thinking about getting engaged.  It’s important to me that we get engaged soon, becasue we’re making a 30 year commitment to a mortgage together without making any commitments to each other.”

Say something like that.

Also, make sure you have all the legal stuff figured out on this house so that you know what happens financially if you break up at some point. 

Post # 12
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

louloumoo :  Now that – asking you to help (for free) with a wedding you aren’t invited to – is rude. It sounds like the family is a bit traditional. My guess is the sister-in-law is a bridesmaid because she is part of the family, while you still aren’t.

On another point, weddings and rings don’t have to be expensive, and he should definitely be willing to be engaged before buying a house together. Also, stress is not an excuse to not have this discussion.

Post # 13
Member
7657 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

louloumoo :  I understand that having this talk can be stressful and intimidating, but if you can’t be vulnerable with your partner, with the man you’re buying a house with and want to share your life with – then really what’s the point, what are you even doing? You just need to bite the bullet and talk to him bee. It will make your relationship stronger to be honest about this.

Post # 14
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Why is your stress in uncertainty in your future less important than his stress with the house?  You need to stop treating him like a marshmallow. You need to start valuing your wants and needs more.  Tell him what you want.

You should also ask yourself why you’re intimidated to talk to him about getting engaged. I bet you can talk to him fine about what he wants for dinner, so why is this different for you?  It’s probably different because you’re scared of his response or you’re not used to verbalizing your needs and wants because you don’t think they’re as important as other people’s needs and wants. Either way you really need to get past it and become comfortable enough with yourself before you tie your life to someone else.

Post # 15
Member
319 posts
Helper bee

Personally, I wouldn’t buy a house with him right now. You’re right, putting all your time and money into a fixer-upper would give him a good excuse to delay engagement for years. I’ve seen it happen to other couples, which is why I told my fiance that I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I’m not married to. I’m perfectly happy renting the apartment we share, so I’m in no hurry to buy a house. (Our building has a gym and a pool, and we’re not responsible for maintenance; pretty sweet deal, if you ask me.) I chose to prioritize marriage over buying a house, because I didn’t want to be one of those women making excuses for her boyfriend when people ask when he’s going to put a ring on it (“we can’t afford a ring or a wedding right now because we just bought a house and now we have to fix it up…so maybe in 2 or 3 years…”). I also didn’t feel comfortable committing to a 30-year mortgage with someone who wasn’t ready to commit to me. If marriage is what you want, I think it’s better to get married before entangling your lives in every way without a legal commitment.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors