Post # 1
Hi everyone, new here!
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years now and we are purchasing a house together this Spring. We are actually close to putting in an offer in a couple days.
I’m feeling a bit sad and stressed though because I really want to get engaged to him. I feel like we’re going to be practically married with a 30 year mortgage. We’re going to be financially involved, living together, I’m going to be cooking/cleaning more, making him lunches for work. Which is fine, I like doing those things. But I want to be his fiancé.
I’m not itching to get married, just to take the next step. I wouldn’t want to start planing a wedding or anything for at least 2-3 years because we’re going to be doing a lot of repairs when we get the house (it’s a fixer upper) and will take most of our cash.
I feel like if we don’t engaged soon, it’s not going to happen because other bills and expenses will come up that will be more important than a ring. (I don’t even need something super expensive, it’s not about the fancy ring) I’m also afraid he will get content and think why bother because he’s getting a wife figure without actually getting engaged.
This isn’t really an important reason to get engaged, but I also don’t get included in his family the way a married in law would be. His parents and grandparents love me, and his grandpa always asks when we’re going to get married. But his sisters and other relatives just look at me as something that’s not permanent in the family. His sister is getting married and we just got the invite but it was addressed to my boyfriend only. We see her and everyone all the time. It’s not like I’m a stranger. We spend every holiday together. Another sibling had to have a shotgun wedding and only knew the girl less than a year and she’s considered a sister and is even a bridesmaid even though I’ve been in the photo longer. I know this part sounds petty, and not a reason to get engaged. My number 1 reason to get engaged is because I love him.
I’m just nervous on how to bring this up now. I don’t know how to “hint” and I also know that if we’re mature enough to buy a house we should be ready to talk about this. I’m just nervous. He’s already stressed about this house situation I don’t want him to think that this is just too much extra effort or money while we’re already buying a house.
If he doesn’t want to get engaged I’d still love him and want the house with him, I would just be a little sad.
Post # 2
louloumoo : Hi there! I want to offer you support first of all. I agree that if he hasn’t asked you by now it may be something he isn’t interested in. You are right….you guys will practically be married. I would suggest not “hinting” and just have a direct conversation about it. You guys are buying a house together, be clear about your wants. Being married is very important to me so I would not be purchasing a house with someone who was my boyfriend but everyone is different so I’m crossing my fingers for you. Do you want to start a family? Are you willing to have children with him without a marriage?
On a side note….how rude about the invite, I sent save the dates to both people that were in committed relationships regardless of an engagement/marriage/etc
Post # 3
louloumoo : Have you ever discussed getting engaged/married? Like, do you know if that’s something he even wants to do?
When I was still dating my husband, he talked about us buying a house together and I flat out told him no way in hell I’m going in on a house with him unless were married, which he understood.
Like you said, if you’re mature enough to buy a house together, you should be mature enough to have this discussion. If it were me, I’d let him know you’d like to know where you stand as a couple before moving forward with such a huge commitment.
Post # 4
First of all, I think you need to be really honest with yourself about what you truly want in this relationship and what you can live with. You begin your post by saying you “really want to be engaged to him,” but then end it by saying you’d just be “a little sad” if he never wanted to marry you. Those two statements seem at odds with each other. There’s nothing wrong with never getting married if that’s truly what both partners want…all I’m saying is make sure you truly can live with that outcome if it comes to that, that you wont’ be eaten up with resentment 5, 10, or 20 yrs down the line as you continue being his wife in everything but name.
Second, as for how to talk to him, this is not a topic where hinting is a good idea. You just need to come out and ask him what his thoughts are about engagement – is it something he sees in your future? If so does he have a timeline in mind? Be honest about what you truly want and ask him to do the same.
Good luck bee.
Post # 5
louloumoo : To be clear, you haven’t brought up engagemnet yet? If you haven’t start by letting him know. Ask him when he sees marriage taking place. He should be curious of where you stand in it as well.
Let him know a timeframe you would liek and vocalize what you said here. Let him know you’re aware of future expenses and that you wouldnt mind a stand in ring, something small or inexpensive for now, so that the whole process moves forward. Let him know your thoughts.
Good louck, and congrats on the soon to be home offer! GL, bee.
Post # 6
Thanks for your reply and support 🙂
He does want to get married eventually, we just didn’t really talk about when. He said he wants kids, but it would be up to me. I do want a couple kids as well. We both said kids would be at least 6-7 years down the road.
The house situation is just in our favor right now. We would be saving money with our mortgage vs our rent right now. We always wanted to be home owners, he even was planning on buying a house before he met me and just never did.
Post # 7
vanessalynn22 : I don’t think the lack of invite was rude. Even if it was contrary to what you decided, OP has no right to an invitation, and it would be rude to expect one. Furthermore, OP’s boyfriend’s sister may be picking up on hints from her brother than the relationship is not headed towards marriage. louloumoo : Also, the phrasing of “had to have a shotgun wedding” is a bit judgemental.
louloumoo : In your case, I wouldn’t recommend the financial entanglement buying a house would entail before an engagement, or more ideally, a marriage. If you do choose to go forward, however, it would be best if you treat it as a business arrangement with a discussion and written agreement of how much each would invest and receive at each state.
Post # 8
futuremrs2020 : tiffanybruiser : ladama :
Thank you so much for the advice guys! I appreciate it 🙂
He does want marriage eventually, and kids. So we’re on the same track but maybe our timelines don’t match up right now. I’m in no rush for a wedding or kids, at all. But I think since we’re buying a house that being engaged just sounds right. Why wait? We’re already committing to a 30 year contact together.
I would be super happy to get engaged now, but if I had to wait a couple years I still would. It wouldn’t be a deal breaker.
Im just afraid it’s going to be a now or never situation. After all the bills coming in when will we have time for it.
and no, I haven’t brought up getting engaged yet, I’m silly and really nervous to put myself out there like that. But we have talked about marriage and kids for the future.
I don’t like being vulnerable and I have issues with that.
Post # 9
“Buying a house is such a big step, I’ve been thinking about getting engaged. It’s important to me that we get engaged soon, becasue we’re making a 30 year commitment to a mortgage together without making any commitments to each other.”
Say something like that.
Also, make sure you have all the legal stuff figured out on this house so that you know what happens financially if you break up at some point.
Post # 10
I didn’t mean to come across rude. I know she didn’t have to send me an invite, but I can still feel sad about it. We’ve spend every holiday and at least 1-2 times a month together. That goes for the whole family.
I’ve baked for the whole family whenever there was an event. Birthday cakes, food, everything. Even for the baby shower she was hosting at her house for her other sister. I made all the deserts and decorations.
Her mom asked me to make her centerpieces for the wedding. I know I’m not owed anything but it would have been nice to feel a little included.
And the shotgun wedding comment is by definition true. Actuality the family said it before I did. His brother had a fling and when she became pregnant a couple months later the family decided it was best to marry. He even admitted to my bf that if she didn’t get pregnant he wouldn’t have married her. They still joke about it being a shotgun wedding.
Post # 11
I’m making a nice dinner tonight so maybe I can sit him down after and mention it.
and yes, we already spoke with an attorney on what would happen if we ever did break up.
Post # 12
louloumoo : Now that – asking you to help (for free) with a wedding you aren’t invited to – is rude. It sounds like the family is a bit traditional. My guess is the sister-in-law is a bridesmaid because she is part of the family, while you still aren’t.
On another point, weddings and rings don’t have to be expensive, and he should definitely be willing to be engaged before buying a house together. Also, stress is not an excuse to not have this discussion.
Post # 13
louloumoo : I understand that having this talk can be stressful and intimidating, but if you can’t be vulnerable with your partner, with the man you’re buying a house with and want to share your life with – then really what’s the point, what are you even doing? You just need to bite the bullet and talk to him bee. It will make your relationship stronger to be honest about this.
Post # 14
Why is your stress in uncertainty in your future less important than his stress with the house? You need to stop treating him like a marshmallow. You need to start valuing your wants and needs more. Tell him what you want.
You should also ask yourself why you’re intimidated to talk to him about getting engaged. I bet you can talk to him fine about what he wants for dinner, so why is this different for you? It’s probably different because you’re scared of his response or you’re not used to verbalizing your needs and wants because you don’t think they’re as important as other people’s needs and wants. Either way you really need to get past it and become comfortable enough with yourself before you tie your life to someone else.
Post # 15
Personally, I wouldn’t buy a house with him right now. You’re right, putting all your time and money into a fixer-upper would give him a good excuse to delay engagement for years. I’ve seen it happen to other couples, which is why I told my fiance that I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I’m not married to. I’m perfectly happy renting the apartment we share, so I’m in no hurry to buy a house. (Our building has a gym and a pool, and we’re not responsible for maintenance; pretty sweet deal, if you ask me.) I chose to prioritize marriage over buying a house, because I didn’t want to be one of those women making excuses for her boyfriend when people ask when he’s going to put a ring on it (“we can’t afford a ring or a wedding right now because we just bought a house and now we have to fix it up…so maybe in 2 or 3 years…”). I also didn’t feel comfortable committing to a 30-year mortgage with someone who wasn’t ready to commit to me. If marriage is what you want, I think it’s better to get married before entangling your lives in every way without a legal commitment.