Post # 16
I agree that hinting ‘ about something as important as your entire shared lives together is not the way to go. You should not have to pussyfoot around as if you were asking for some sort of favour. Engagement and marriage is not something men bestow upon deserving girls.
Rant over, sorry
Also, if you can talk about divorce , you should be able to talk about marriage and not in some tentative ‘mentioning’ fashion either !
Unless he is dead against marriage , ( but not , apparently against 30 year shared mortgage and children, a thing I never understand) which it seems he is not , why not openly tell him the you would be much happier and feel more secure married – not just engaged- soon.
Have a tiny wedding or an elopement and a party sometime in the future .
Don’t act like a supplicant dear OP, act like an equal partner .
Post # 17
anonymousbee001 : Yea, the family is traditional I’d say for the most part. All of her siblings or siblings in law are either groomsmen or bridesmaids. My boyfriend is one of 4 boys and there’s also 3 girls. Then there’s the in law siblings.
Even when we told his family we’re buying together they were confused it was before marriage but they came around.
Supernurse : I agree, it is as important. Thank you for your words, I needed a pep talk. I need to prioritize this to him and I think I’m nervous because I am afraid he will say no.
cypresstree85 : that’s my biggest fear. That he’s going to put it off indefinitely because there will always be something. We’re going to need new bathrooms, kitchen remodel, deck, etc. I don’t want this to go on the backburner.
Post # 18
My husband and I bought our house before we were engaged. But we were both on the same page about marriage from the beginning. He proposed about 2 months after we we moved in.
You may need to prioritize the house stuff with marriage. But to do that you need to be upfront and have a conversation.
Post # 19
louloumoo : pause. smash the brakes. do not pass ‘Go’. do not collect $200.
before you commit to buying a house with someone, it is IMPERATIVE that you make sure you’re on the same page about life and goals. 30 years is a long time and a lot of money and you need to make damn sure that he plans to marry you. if you’re hesitant to even mention it, I’m assuming you guys haven’t discussed this in-depth before. do not sign a mortgage until you both have an agreement on whether a marriage will take place, and exactly when it will occur.
not getting married is fine if that’s what you both want, but your posts seems like that is not the case at all.
ETA: honestly, I think there’s no time like the present to just tell him you’d feel more secure signing up for such a long term financial commitment if you were married to him or had concrete plans to make that happen in the near future (an engagement—and no, do not let him off the hook with balking at the cost of a ring along with house expenses—you can get a $30 silicone band). don’t let up on this without reaching a finite conclusion…whether that be marriage or mutual agreement that one isn’t in the cards. your future self will thank you.
Post # 20
I can’t even comprehend buying a home with someone you aren’t at least engaged to, if not married. I would also hard NO at buying a house with someone I haven’t had serious and in depth conversations about our future together. If you don’t feel comfortable bluntly and easily bringing up this type of conversation then you need to hold off on signing a mortgage with this guy.
Post # 21
I’m going to come right out and say it: Do not buy a house with this man until you’re engaged. It’s a bad idea, and I don’t care how many bees pop up to say they bought a house before getting engaged.
I don’t know why you’re so freaking scared of talking to him about this. Are you afraid he’ll leave you if you mention marriage? It’s pretty clear that marriage is your goal. When you try to say you’ll be “just a little sad” without it, you’re trying to fool yourself and it won’t work. Stop being so scared that you have to bring up the subject of your future “gently”.
Post # 22
Honestly, I will never understand posts like these.
You’re totally cool locking yourself into a 30 year mortgage with a guy but need to know how to pussyfoot around “gently” talking about engagement?
If you’re not comfortable having an open, honest discussion about the status of your relationship, what your future goals are including engagement, and the timeline in which you would like to see those goals accomplished, you have no business buying a house with the guy. And potentially have no business being in the relationship at all. Simple as that.
Stop being a passive observer to your own life. Stop acting like wanting to plan a future together and having your own say in it is some big inconvenience. Stop acting like your boyfriend is a precious little toddler who’ll get overstimulated and have a meltdown if he has to handle a conversation while simultaneously buying a house. Does he have a meltdown at work if he’s asked to handle two things at the same time? If he can multitask there, he can multitask his homelife and relationship. He’s not made of glass.
Post # 23
I think I’ve been psyching myself out about this talk.
I appreciate all the advice on here and tough love.
I deal with anxiety and just build things like this in my head until they become too scary to do. You guys are right, I don’t want him to say no. I don’t want him to say “maybe later” and I don’t want him to laugh at me.
Post # 24
louloumoo : You should not hint. You should bring it up directly. And you should also tell him directly that you are fine without an expensive ring.
Post # 25
. You guys are right, I don’t want him to say no. I don’t want him to say “maybe later” and I don’t want him to laugh at me
If these are legitimate fears of his response then you need to think hard about this relationship. If this is your anxiety talking then share that with him. I always build things up in my head to a point of hysteria and then when I finally talk to my husband it’s no big deal. But him understanding how my anxiety makes me think has made these conversations easier louloumoo :
Post # 26
“Even when we told his family we’re buying together they were confused it was before marriage but they came around.“
So how did your BF explain to his family about buying before marriage? Didn’t he express any marriage-related talks with you? I’m confused how engagement/marriage talk never happened before deciding on buying a house. Stand up for yourself, bee.
Also, it is rude of his mother to ask you to help with centerpieces for a wedding you weren’t invited. Are you sure you’re not invited? Maybe they assumed you know you’re invited but just didn’t address it on the invitation?
Post # 27
Anyone who says the wedding invite thing isn’t rude is fucked in the head haha. You’ve been together for two years and buying a house together! If your boyfriend doesn’t have a problem with you not being invited then seriously you have HUGE issues. The engagement at this stage isn’t a huge issue in my opinion. I’d still buy a house with him if everything else is great. But if he isn’t calling his sister out for not inviting you then he’s a POS lol.
Post # 28
mus1ca1xo : beejaymes :
I think it’s assumed I’m invited. The invitation says to “boyfriend and guest” so I’d obviously be his guest.
I just feel left out because of how close I am to her and the family. You’d think after two years she would address me on the invite too.
its not a big deal though, it’s not my main focus for why I want to get engaged obviously
Post # 29
If you want to be engaged when you buy a house together. Tell him! He isn’t a mind reader. Babe, I know we’re seriously looking to buy a house and I’m so excited and it’s got me thinking about our future and I’ve realized that being engaged and having a marriage timeline is important to me since we’re embarking on a mortgage commitment together!
Asking him his thoughts on the matter is one thing but you need to tell him yours!
What’s the worst thing he could say? I never want to marry you? Well then you’d know and could avoid buying s house with him. But if he didn’t see a future with you he probably wouldn’t be buying a house with you. Just be open about your thoughts and feelings with him. He might just be assuming it’s not what you want.
Post # 30
You need to have this conversation ASAP!
If you don’t know where you stand in any kind of real way and you sign the mortgage anyway, I think your anxiety will become worse and worse about this and it will eat away at you.
And by that point, once you finally bring it up, you put yourself at the risk that if he doesn’t respond favorably, it will be too late to back out of the house and you will already have tied yourself financially to someone who may not want to marry you.
Save yourself the stress and headache later. Put your big girl pants on and deal with this now. It is scary, but you need to know now before you get in too deep with this.
Good luck and let us know how it goes