(Closed) How Do I Go About Forgiving Him?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Well, it sounds to me that you are on a good path to getting over the hurt, and that is communicating with your Fiance regarding the issue, and then continually communicating with him when your angry feelings arise, or when you feel untrusting, etc.  It happened, and whether it was inappropriate behavior (like harmless messages – in your case), or full on cheating, you share emotions on the situation too!!  As long as he listens and is receptive to your feelings, that will help.  And of course, I am a huge fan of actions speak louder than words.  I think if you can truly see him be better, and/or make better decisions, then it will be a huge stepping stone as well.

Finally, due to some things that have arisen in my relationship, couples counseling can be very beneficial.  Sometimes have a third party invite good, thought provoking questions into the relationship can add new elements of information on why a person does things!!  Good luck!!

Post # 4
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have a different take on this, taking a shot in the dark here. 

Here is what I think:  You and your Fiance are both very loving, kind, generous, and wonderful people, am I correct?  And both of you tend to be a little on the passive side of the personality scale.  Therefore, you are both concerned with always being perceived as “nice,” good people.

Most of the time, in most situations, being nice is a good thing.  However, sometimes being “nice” can get you into the situation you and your Fiance are currently in.

Your Fiance has obvious boundary issues due to this quality of being overly nice.  I am so glad to hear that you finally put your foot down about his ex and his cutting off contact with her, as well as FB girl.

Stop worrying about:  Appearing jealous, insecure or that you lack trust in him.  Because look where being so “nice” got you.  If you have feelings about something or someone, share them with him and don’t worry how it sounds or seems.  Be real.  Let me say something – being insecure sometimes is a normal, human thing to be and everyone is!  Most people hide it.  But you will gain strength if you share it.

You should lack trust in him at the moment because he inadvertently betrayed your trust.  I believe he innocently was trying to help both of these women.  But his priorities are screwed up a little, as well as his boundaries.

Here is how you should put it:  He needs to focus his niceness on YOU.  He needs to protect you from harm from other women – outsiders – by putting a stop to them contacting him or trying to get his advice, help, money, whatever.  (FB girl – entirely inappropriate).

You need to stop being overly nice and thinking you need to help him get through this.  You did nothing wrong, besides snoop.  And in this case I believe your intuition that something fishy was going on is what drove you to snoop.  So, forgive yourself for that in this one case. 

If you can see that he did not cheat on you (he didn’t) but his judgment was messed up (I believe him about that) it will make forgiving him easier. 

But you need to stop being Miss Fix-It and Miss Niceness and be firm about your expectations of your future HUSBAND.  Lay down clear and firm expectations so that this never happens again.

Ask him to please never do anything that he would not do in front of your face. 

And ask him to also never do anything that he would not be completely and 100% cool with your doing the exact same thing he is doing.

He needs to always be thinking of how you would react to what he’s doing, how you would feel if you knew what he was doing and how he would feel if you did the same thing.

Oh, yeah, and Facebook is the Devil.

I wish you all the best. 


Post # 5
96 posts
Worker bee

I would have to respond in the same tone as Sunfire. I think she gave some really good advice. I am someone whose ex-fiance did not have a good sense of boundaries when it came to ex’s (except physical cheating obviously). The pain it can cause you and the long term build-up of anger and other unhealthy feelings that can gradually sabotage your relationship is not worth being tolerant. Even if he is just being “nice” to her, this is unhealthy for you because it is shaking your trust in him. I agree that you should set your boundaries. Love to you.  

Post # 6
96 posts
Worker bee

PS. I wanted to add that I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through this. Wishing you the best.


Post # 7
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Sunfire:  I agree with this 100%. I’m soo sorry you’re going through. 


Post # 8
1 posts
  • Wedding: May 2013

@sunfire brilliantly written. I enjoy a person with common sense

Post # 9
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I hate to say it, but I just wonder what you don’t know and what he’s probably glad you don’t know.

I don’t think that texting that girl like that or talking to his ex were done soley for their benefit. He was getting an ego boost out of it. I had an ex do things like this all the time, and it came down to the simple fact that he wasn’t ready to be with just me. I got tired of competing with all his little “innocent” female friendships and left him.

But people are imperfect, the world is imperfect, and things like this can happen. If you can find a way to forgive him for the intimate things he said and shared with another woman, then that’s good. It probably means that you are ready to be married and be with him forever, no matter what shortcomings he might have.

The best way to be able to forgive is to get some closure. Closure means that you do have to know and see how he’s handling those relationships from this point on. If you don’t get proper closure, you will always want to be over his shoulder while he’s texting.

Post # 10
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Sunfire:  Whilst i agree with the sentiment of what you said I disagree that OP needs to “lay down clear and firm expectations so that this never happens again”. A relationship involves two people and one person should not be the dictator in that relationship. The FI’s opinions and feelings are just as valid as the OP’s. I say they both need to talk about what they would like from the relationship and work on a way to meet both their needs and personalities and to agree on compromises. Demanding only what OP wants is the best way to create a dysfunctional relationship that is full of resentment IMO.

Post # 12
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@mysterybee:  sorry this happened but it does sound fairly innocent to me.  it was he decision to delete those woman so that’s a good sign.  i personally don’t know why he’d want to stay in contact with his ex-wife?  you didn’t mention if they had children together.  she may continue to take advantage of his kindness, sounds like she already tried with the $$$. 

Post # 13
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@j_jaye:   I agree that nobody should ever try to dictate to another adult in a mature relationship.

I am saying that being too passive and not being clear about your needs, wants and desires in a relationship, out of fear of being perceived as “insecure” or “jealous” is not a healthy way of communicating.

I am not a “my way or the highway” kind of person.  I am, however, a very direct person and I know we teach people how to treat us.  Being clear and communicating expectations about boundaries is healthy.  Dictating and demanding is not healthy.  People aren’t mind readers, especially men, lol. 

In a relationship, mutual respect is key.  If you communicate your thoughts clearly to someone, the ball is then in their court as to how to proceed from that point forward.


Post # 14
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mysterybee:  Once is a mistake, or a lapse in judgement; but the second time, it’s not a mistake any more.  So the warning’s been served but I’m not going to go out of my way to trip him up, and I’m not going to go spying on him.  He will never regain my trust if I don’t let him.

Excellent!  And ((hugs)) – so sorry you’re hurting.  I know it must be hard.  But now he knows you find this behavior inappropriate.  If he highly values your relationship, as he seems to, this will never happen again.

I’m glad you’ve decided to give him your trust.  You can lose nothing by doing so.  From now on it’s up to him. 

Post # 15
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hmm.. not much I could add that hasn’t already been brilliantly said. He made a no-no, but he seems a real, genuine sweetheart to turn it around the way he has. Keep him, @#$% Facebook, and let time fix ya. And cheers to your coming marriage!!

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