- 10 years ago
- Wedding: August 2009
My finance’s family is very close, both literally and figuratively.
First of all…we live in what they jokingly call “the compound”. On about 2 blocks…there are 5 houses. Ours, then across the street is his sister w/ her husband and 2 kids. Behind the sister is the cousin w/ his wife and their 2 kids. Then, down the street are his parents and next door to them are the Aunt and Uncle.
I am an only child and come from a small family. I am close to my mom but my family closeness doesn’t even come close to how this family functions.
So when I started dating him, this family closeness was very weird to me.
There were many fights about how his family would just knock on our door. No one calls…they just walk over to the house if they want something.
AND even worse…everyone just WALKS IN! No one knocks. If we go to his sisters’ house unannounced…we just walk in the door.
It is really bizarre to me. I was raised 100% opposite. I believe that you should call before coming over.
Not only do they live close, they see each other ALL the time. They are very close. My fiancé walks over and sees his parents almost every single day. My finance is 32 years old and his parents go watch his softball games in the spring. To me I think this is weird and think the “cord needs to be cut”. This is just a perfect example of how they are. So close. Almost too close.
But in the interest of full disclose I should say that there is also a part of me that LOVES THIS.
I have always dreamed of having a close family that wasn’t dysfunctional. My mother would always tell that my idea about family was unrealistic.
I have now found that family I always wanted and I see myself getting the chance to make the family of my own that I always wanted.
I love how supportive his mom and sister are of me. I love how loving everyone is. My family is kind of an “ever man for himself” kinda of operation. When you are 18, you are on your own. His family is all about helping each other and being there no matter how old the “kids” are.
So I am torn. There is part of me that loves the dynamic. And I also know that once I have kids and am a little older, I will love how tight this family is. I will not be a newly wed and will not mind coming home to all the family kids and their friends playing in my driveway. I will not need so much privacy and space I think
The other night I am told that his mom has invited us over for “soup night” on Wednesday. He tells that that every Wednesday they used to go have dinner at his parents. I joke “isn’t living next to each other enough for them? They have to have family night too?! Haha” It’s hard because when I say things like this…he just digs in his heels and doesn’t understand. He doesn’t see why I think it’s odd. He thinks I am the weird one.
Last night comes and it is time for us to go to soup. My finance nonchalantly mentions that his mom wants to have soup night once a week. My stomach instantly gets in knots and I feel like I want to scream. I tell him that I feel weekly dinners are really pushing it. We already live next to them. He sees them every day. To ask us to have dinner once a week, is too much.
The more I thought….I thought things like this:
We are supposed to become newly weds.
When you marry you leave your family of childhood and make your own family.
We are supposed to be making our OWN family. How can we be newly weds without the space to do so?
It is supposed to be “us” making our own life, not them.
They need to cut the cord. I feel an issue with boundaries. I need boundaries.
I feel claustrophobic.
I also think about how his sister has been married for 10 years and they have 2 kids. We are different. They are he “old couple” who is a decade ahead of us. They don’t need that newlywed alone time/ they don’t need to create their own identity as a married couple.
Can you please give me input?
Have you dealt with this?
Do you have advice?
Can you recommend and books or website that talk about this type of thing?
I need help!
I feel that this family issue is going to be a big underlying issue in our marriage
We come from such different places that we don’t understand each other on this issue.
Have you been where I am?
Do you have any advice on what to do?
Do you have any advice that it will really “be ok”?