(Closed) How Do I Handle “I’m Pretty Sure”

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I wouldt defintely say that since he is at a different point to still follow Mr Bees plan, but I would also start considering what it is that you want or expect out of the relationship and whether or not he will be able to provide it for you. If he never is able to say with 100% certaintity that you are the one, will it effect your feelings for him? I am sure you ARE amazing, stunning, and awesome, and after 3.5 years, he is an idiot if “isn’t sure” that you are the one for him!

Post # 4
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If marriage and kids are important to you, it sounds like you are wasting your time with your current boyfriend. I know that sounds harsh, but there isn’t really any other way to say it.

It is really difficult to comment on someone’s relationship when you don’t know the people, and really only have limited and one-sided information about the couple.  But objectively, you’re in your 30s, want to get married and have kids, have been living together for three years, and your boyfriend still “isn’t sure” if you are “the one.”  If you were my friend, I would tell you to get out of there.

Post # 5
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Sorry, but I second what EleanorRigby said. After 3.5 years, he ought to “know.” Giving him an extra year with your ultimatum seems awfully generous to me.

Post # 6
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

i think i would have said goodbye after the 2 year point if he still wasn’t “sure”.  he should DEFINETLY know by the 3.5 year point.  i think he’s just buying time and pulling your chain…

Post # 7
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would definitely follow through with the Christmas Challenge and the backup plan to give all the wedding talk a rest. But if the new year hits and he still “doesn’t know” then it’s time for you to make a choice.  You sound like an amazing woman and you deserve the marriage and kids that you’ve always wanted, he just may not me the man to give it to you. He may also have gotten so comfortable in the current situation that he doesn’t see a reason to change anything. If you are serious about leaving that may be just the jumpstart he needs. In my own experience, I told my Fiance that I had a date set in my head and that if he hadn’t taken the next step by that date I would ask him whrere we stood and we would either move forward or end it. I made this choice  August of 2009 and the date I had set was 8-1-10, he ended up proposing 4-30-10. So give him a couple more months, he may surprise you!

Post # 8
1296 posts
Bumble bee

I would agree with the PP at his age he should know what he wants and more specifically who.  If you have been together that long and you can’t tell me 100% that I’m the one I’m out the door.   I don’t have time to waste on a person who isn’t sure about me.  I mean you want  kids and a marriage are you willing to waste more time just for him to be sure your the one?  I say a half a year from now be ready to leave if he doesn’t give you the answer you deserve.  You deserve someone who can say 100% that your the one for them and I hope you give  your self the chance to meet that person.  Good Luck in whatever you decide to do.

Post # 10
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Just looking at the situation objectively, I’d have to agree with the others.    It doesn’t take more than two years to figure out if someone is “the one” or not.  The reason he hasn’t decided yet is because (again, sorry for the harshness but I really am trying to help here) you’re not.  He wishes you were because that would make life a lot easier, but honey, you’re not.  I know that’s a horrible thing to hear, but it sounds to me like that’s what’s going on.  It just doesn’t take a man in his thirties that long to know.

If I were you I’d move out.  He’ll either snap out of it and come to, or you’ll be allowed to move on with your life.  Either way, you win.

I just read your last post (sorry, was a little quick on the draw there.)  I’m 32.  I totally get where you’re coming from.  Totally.  I know it might sound trite, but I think this saying really applies to you “it’s better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones.”  Make sure you’re not still with this guy because it’s easier than starting over.  That’s no reason to stay in a relationship that’s no longer good for you.  He’s either going to marry you or he’s not.  Would you rather start over in your mid-thirties or forties?

Don’t wait any longer, it’s not going to help.  It’s time to have a serious discussion with him before any more time is wasted.

Post # 11
226 posts
Helper bee

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married to someone who you love. If he doesn’t know if your ‘the one’ he needs something to make him figure it out. Maybe after christmas and the holidays, just say I need sometime to sort this out and stay with family and friends for a while. That way he will know your serious about it all and he has to make up his mind then and there, knowing that your not always going to be there. You’ve been with him for 3.5yrs, another 6 months of the same thing will not make him realise what he wants. Because the longer you stay is more time your missing out on being with someone who actually wants to spend their future with out and get married, etc.

Him saying he wants marriage and kids counts for nothing, its action that show he wants that. you deserve better than someone who strings you along and takes you being there for granted. I know it sucks because you really do love him 🙁

Post # 12
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Is he not ready because he wants to see what else is out there?  or is he the type that is not into the idea of marriage and wedding traditions (I have a lot of friends who are that way and devoted to the life they built with their SOs). If he’s not ready because you may or may not be the one..then please please don’t give him the chance to enjoy more precious time with you. 

Post # 13
9098 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’d say it’s well past time to reclaim your life & take some space for yourself.  Live by yourself for awhile, keep doing your own stuff–your career, your friends, your hobbies.

If that happens to light a fire under him, fine.

If it doesn’t, fine.


It’s a win-win for you because if he doesn’t come around, you will have built a good life for yourself.  At the moment, you’re emotionally dependent, & frankly a little desperate about how  to “make” him want you.  You can’t.


What you can do is create a happy, fulfilling life for YOURSELF.  If he decides he wants in on it, you can set your terms later.  For now, I’d suggest letting go of this self esteem crushing relationship & focus on building a life for yourself.

Take some of your power back.  You’ve entrusted this guy with your happiness & he’s not  giving you what you need.

Post # 15
1296 posts
Bumble bee

Well if he were really more excited to start having kids then you don’t you think he would take the necessary steps?  That means putting a ring on  your finger.  His all talk right now and actions speak louder than words.  I know you love him and you guys share the same friends etc.. but how long are you willing to wait?  How long do you want to continue to put your dreams of  marriage and kids on hold?  You desereve to have your dreams fulfilled and only you can do that.  I don’t think it would be that hard starting over because your older and dating people in your age range by that point they know what they want in life.  They are more ready to settle down I would think.  Even if I am wrong on those points don’t you owe to yourself to know that the guy wants to be with you 100% no doubt in his mind vs the pretty sure answer you have now?  I hope it all works out for you.

Post # 16
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Is there more playing into this than just him being a total flake about where you stand with him? Are there some mommy & daddy issues at heart here? In other words, did he witness a bad marriage/divorce growing up that is potentially causing him to balk on a real commitment?

I am wondering if really it’s not that he’s unsure YOU are the one, but moreso that he wouldn’t be sure ANYONE is the one, because he just cannot envision himself getting married due to whatever fears he has regarding it. Is that the case here do you think?

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