- 7 years ago
So after having been on this WB Board for about 2 weeks, I’ve noticed a minor distinction between the various waiting bees.
Brief recap of my situation so you know the context of my question. My SO and I are young 30s. Dating 3.5 yrs. Living together for 3 yrs. Both want marriage and kids.
For most of you, you have explained that your SO knows your the one and has said you will get married one day, but hasn’t proposed due to financial/unknown/surprise/readiness/??? reasons. For you, your frustration isn’t “will he pick me?” but more “why won’t he go ahead and do it already!?!?”
For me, my man has told me that he’s not sure yet. In fact, shortly after our two year anniv., although I knew he was the “one” and I thought he knew I was the “one” too, a conversation about marriage/engagement revealed that he had no clue if I was the one or not — that broke my heart. Now that we’ve been dating about 3.5 years, and in a recent conversation where I expressed that I was concerned that he seemed so apathetic towards me and our relationship and that relationships take work and that this continued “waiting” game makes me question whether he’s just here b/c the status quo is easy b/c it doesn’t seem like anything is progressing, he said he is “pretty sure” I’m the one. (And yes, I know he loves me and wants to be with me…it was just more of a conversation about putting forth effort.)
Now of course, I’m frustrated that he should already know the answer to this at this age after this long and this far into the relationship, particular since we live together (weekends only). S&(t or get off the pot. Make a decision. Don’t waste my time. etc. etc. etc. And frankly, it hurts more that…it’s not just that he can’t get around to it…but it’s that I’m (for whatever reason) not amazing/stunning/awesome enough for him to know at this stage in our relationship that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. With all humility intended, I’m a darn good catch, so it hurts that the love of my life isn’t sure that I’m the love of his.
I am currently doing the Back-Up Plan and the Christmas Challenge (not saying anything until 2011, enjoying our relationship til then) and continuing to do my own thing in the meantime (which I’ve been doing anyway since he’s gone during the week). I’m hoping that giving the “nagging” a rest will not push him away so much but instead help him realize that he needs to claim me. And I have given him a mild ultimatum (with 1 year’s advance notice) that if we’re not engaged on or around our 4th anniv., then we need to be making some serious decisions about our future one way or the other.
My question is… should I be taking a different approach or handling this in a different way, given my slightly different circumstances? It’s one thing to back off if he knows you’re the one and he’s just biding his time. But it’s another thing altogether that he doesn’t know whether I’m the one at all (AND he isn’t ready to get married).
I am curious to hear your thoughts as to whether my approach to his indecisiveness about whether I’m the one should be different than the traditional “Back-Up Plan” approach.