Post # 1
Hey bees! So far everything with the wedding planning has been great however…
My SO said to me “So my mom is soooo excited to see me as a bridesmaid, she’s invited to the wedding right?” Now I haven’t even sent out invitations yet, but also I’ve only met her mom twice and no, I wasn’t planning on inviting her to the wedding. SO and I haven’t decided about plus one’s yet. I wasn’t sure how to handle it at the time, but later I explained to her that there are members of my own family that I can’t invite due to budget and space and I understand how she wants her mom to see her as a bridesmaid but I don’t think it can work out. She then told me that she had already invited her mother and said “well maybe I’ll just have her come to the ceremony and not the reception, I’ll just tell her you can’t afford it”. Now I’m not for that at all!! It is not ok to me to have someone at the ceremony and not have them invited to the reception as well. I tried talking to her about it, but my Maid/Matron of Honor just keeps insisting that it will be fine. We’re on a tight budget and have every seat accounted for. Has any of you ever dealt with this?
And she’s not the only one inviting people to our wedding, lots of people are starting to invite themselves too!! AAAAAHHHH! Not sure how to handle that either!!!
Second bridesmaid issue: my other bridesmaid is my SO’s sister and I told the girls upon asking if they would be BMs, that I want them in black and to coordinate and feel beautiful and that they could chose their own dresses, I said we would all go shopping and chose together as a girls day out. SO and I recently had dinner with the family and I was telling SIL about when I think we should go shopping together and she told me she already bought the dress. A few things about this situation: In-laws are not happy to let my SO “go” so to speak and SIL and even said I’m not really family because I’m not blood, my SO and I have been going to counseling to get help with how to handle them, and I don’t want to make situation worse by being pissed about dresses. But my Maid/Matron of Honor is a size 18 and is 42 years old. My SIL Bridesmaid or Best Man is a size 2 and 25 years old. I want them to cooridinate but I don’t want either to have to fit into something that only the other person would wear. I also don’t want my SIL to have to spend a lot of money, but she did say her dress cost her $20 which is why she bought it.
Should I tell her to buy a new one? I see all those beautiful pics on recaps of the coordinating wedding party that looks so pretty and I want that for our wedding too. My SO and I are getting the sinking suspicion that SIL is doing this on purpose to be difficult and she can be very passive aggressive.
She explained what the dress looked like but its not something that we can find in a larger size that would look good on my Maid/Matron of Honor.
Who’s dealt with this and what did you do?
Post # 4
I would tell your Maid/Matron of Honor that you’re really flattered that her mom wants to be there, but you just don’t have any spare seats for non-guests. I mean, her mom is going to be able to see photos after the fact. Plus you mentioned she’s 42, she’s not a child, she doesn’t need her mom to be by her side 24/7. It sounds like you need to be really firm with her that this is your guest list for your wedding guests. It’s not a campfire sing along here.
As far as the dresses go, I’m a bit confused. You want the girls to wear black, and look pretty when they stand in a row. I get that. You also said they can choose their own dresses. It’s too bad that you SIL bought her dress on her own rather than waiting for your shopping trip, but if it’s a nice dress, what’s the problem? Ask her to still join you on the trip for the comradery part, but I don’t understand why you would ask her to buy a new dress. It’s not difficult to coordinate black dresses, and you can’t expect someone who’s a size 2 to look good in the same dress as a girl who’s a size 18 (and vice versa). Different body types and styles mean different dresses which you said so yourself.
All my Bridesmaid or Best Man were different sizes, from a 4 to a 24. They all wore different dresses in different shades of blue that fit in their various price points. One Bridesmaid or Best Man wore a $25 dress, one wore a $250 dress. So long as they all felt gorgeous I was happy! (3 of 6 of my girls are below)
Post # 5
I am not too far into wedding planning so I don’t really have advice on guest list issues. Sorry, it sounds like it has been stressful for you! I agree with the previous post, she is an adult and you should be able to explain to her that you have no space in your guestlist. You can say you will not have ceremony attendees that are “not permitted” to the reception and that you do not feel comfortable inviting people you do not have room for in the reception. You could also mention how you have family that you were unable to invite and if you could include more people you would (then it does not look personal). Maybe you could ask if she would like a few quick shots done by the photographer by herself? She could have a few keepsakes of her all dressed up and share them with her Mom later.
As far as the dresses go, I am also having black bridesmaid dresses. Aside from our wedding theme being black and white, black is just the classic color to flatter! I think as long as all of the dresses are black, they will blend very well. I like the idea of each bridesmaid picking the dress they feel most comfortable in and the variety really gives the wedding party more personality. I used to want the sex and the city style wedding party! (bridesmaid with different bold colors). Go with what you feel is right though (it is your wedding!) and Good luck!! 🙂
Post # 6
bakerella, you crack me up!! “It’s not a campfire singalong here”, hahahaha!! I agree!! But even after I had explained in more detail then was necessary about why her mom can’t come she still said “oh it will be fine, and I already invited her anyway. I can’t really disinvite her”. I guess I’m going to have to be stern with her.
And SandraCarol I like your suggestion of offering to have some pics of just my Maid/Matron of Honor all dressed up that she can give her mom. I’m going to offer that to her and hopefully it will go over well, if not…oh well. It’s our guest list, not hers right? She’ll just have to be pissed for a while I guess. I just hope it doesn’t affect our friendship.
Post # 7
Sometimes we are so careful with how we word things that it gives people to opportunity not to listen. You have to be firm with you Maid/Matron of Honor and just tell her you will have pictures for her mom to see but you are not ok with having any guests attend the ceremony or any part of the day that are not invited. You are sorry that she went ahead of invited her mom without speaking to you first but shes going to have to explain to her mom that it was a misunderstanding.
As for the dresses, if you are letting them pick their own dress, you SIL was wrong for not waiting but if she got what you asked then let it go.
Post # 8
Don’t know if you sent out your invitations yet but you could to a rsvp with pre printet names on them, that way it is plain as daylight who is invited and who isn’t. It might be a bit tacky but we’re having a small wedding and only room for about 60 persons in our venue. Therefor i could not risk people showing up with a pluss one. Even my bridesmaids and our closest friend (that have a significant other that we don’t know very well) is invitated alone.
My uncle’s girlfriend sort of invited herself i i was really frustrated since she ended up beeing the one that needs to be sitting on an extra chair witch there really isn’t room for. I know we’re supposed to invite couples but when we have limited space we were only going for our closest relatives and friends (and to be honest, my Fiance haven’t even met her or my uncle).
Just a thougt. Hope it can be of some use.
Post # 9
The first part is like that episode of Friends when Joey wanted his parents there. Now my parents were invited guests to my BFs wedding but we have been friends for 15 years and she knows them…your Maid/Matron of Honor is being ridiculous thinking her mom is coming.
As for SIL I don’t really see the issue either, you said black dress that they pick…I don’t see 2 black dresses not in some way coordinating!