(Closed) How do I handle this family situation?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

((((hugs)))) what a crappy situation… i’m sorry you’re going through this! my advice is that it’s your wedding and your sister should respect that. you will regret it if your dad isn’t there (since you said you wanted him there). i think you need to have a heart to heart with her and maybe she’ll be able to understand and respect your choice.

Post # 4
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

im so sorry you have to deal with this….

i say as nicely as you can, you need to remind your sister that you love both her and your dad (if you do that is) and that although you understand her feelings this is your wedding and you want your dad (not her dad, your dad-yes he is the same man but you dont share the same feelings on the matter) to walk you down the aisle

tell her you understand she is very disappointed and doesnt want to see him but for you, you are asking her to be polite at the very least – she doesnt have to dance with him or anything like that but just be there for you

goodluck and i hope it works out

 

Post # 5
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Aww dear. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way *hugs*

My thought is that he is your dad, it is YOUR wedding, if you want him there then they will get over it and be happy for your regaurdless of who you invite.  My parents are also divorced, got divoreced about 6 yrs ago, but they still set their feelings aside for funcitons that they must both attend, such as weddings.  I will tell you that it was weird for me to see my parents at my graduation and not with eachother, with their SO,  and it is still weird that my mother is married to someone else, but you just go with it.  I would talk to your parents.  Talk to your mother and tell her that you want your father there and that you would appreciate it if everyone could just accept that.  Maybe she will help you talk to you sister.  Then, talk to your dad.  Tell him what you want and explain the whole situation to him. 

You sister may not like that he is coming because of the felling of abandonment from before and she doesnt want to feel that agin, but she is an adult, she should be able to suck it up for one day and let you be happy and your father share in that happiness.

Remember, it is YOUR day, don’t let family drama ruin it!

Post # 6
Member
5498 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

He’s your Dad! If you want him there, have him there! Regardless of how your sister feels, she should respect your feelings on the matter, and so should the rest of your family.

My Dad and Step Dad can’t stand each other…but they’re sucking it up so they can both walk me down the asile.

Post # 7
Member
898 posts
Busy bee

So sorry you are dealing with this. I basically get this issue with my mom every time my dad is mentioned. *hugs to you*

I really think you should sit down with your sister, and maybe your mom as well. You need to be able to get this cleared up before the wedding. Especially if your sister may drink at your wedding and decide to put in her 2cents worth there.

If you can get everyone to realize rationally how important this is to you, there’s less chance of drama, and theyre more likely to just put aside differences for one day. It shouldn’t be so much to ask, you’re all adults.

Post # 8
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m going to say to you (and your sister) what my mom tells me every time my dad does something sh*tty (which is often): He’s your dad and, like it or not, he’s the only one you’ve got.

You seem to want him there, so I suggest telling your sister that when SHE gets married then she can dictate her own guest list. It’s completely up to you whether or not you want him walking you down the aisle. But you absolutely have to invite him.

Believe me, I know it’s hard to deal with a not-so-great dad. I’ve said many hurtful things about my dad, but I know that he loves me and DOES care. He may have a funny way of showing it, but he’s your parent. Good luck with this 🙂

Post # 9
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sending a big hug your way jingle! As for the family ‘situation.’ I’d say do what you want. I have a different but stressful family situation (my mother and I are estranged but I am still close to her family, long story. I am still inviting her family, but not her.) I would just say that perhaps you should mention something to your photographer, DJ, etc. so they are aware and can make arrangements if necessary (i.e. the photographer doesn’t put your dad next to your sister in photos so they both end up angry and making pissy faces, etc). It’s your day and your dad – do what you want. It also doesn’t help she’d been drinking when she called (no wonder they call it liquid courage, people can say the most bizarre things when they have been drinking). Hope all goes well!

-Bella

Post # 11
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

This really is only an issue now because your sister MASSIVELY overstepped boundaries.  Remind your sister that she has/had (depending on if she’s married or not) the choice to have your father walk her down the aisle and meet her guy on her big day.  What happens at your wedding is absolutely up to you.  The only other person who might have some say is your dad (assuming you have a good relationship).  She has absolutely no say whatsoever in this.

Post # 12
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

It’s your wedding you should do what you want. And tell everyone else to be respectful. 

Post # 13
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Hey – sounds like your sister was pretty out of line – and KNEW it (duh- she only called AFTER she’d been drinking!?). You have every right to invite your dad.

Maybe talk to him about it though beforehand? Obviously he’ll know it’s going to be awkward, but sometimes saying something, even as simple as, “I’m afraid of how Sister is going to act this weekend, because she’s still dealing with a lot of pain from the divorce; do you think you could help me and just give her a wide berth? I know we’ll all be in Aruba together, so I want to minimize the drama, you know?” to him ahead of time will 1) give him a headsup 2) remind him that this is about YOU, not old family drama.

Similarly, give your sister a sit down talking to, “Listen, Dad IS coming. If you don’t want to talk to him, no problem, I’m not asking you to hug and make up. I’m just asking you to act like an adult and respect his presence in the same room as you. Please do that for my sake.”

Sure, it’s inevitable that they’ll run into each other, but if you prepare them both ahead of time, and they both stay on good behavior (i.e. Sister doesn’t get drunk and start yelling…), you could very realistically pass the weekend without major incident.

Post # 14
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not sure how to feel on this one.  First, I think maybe we can relax on the sister a little.  It sounds like Dad messed up his family a little.  At what point would we all feel that way about a parent?  I’m not sure the tone of the phone call, but it sounds like she had a hard time comnig out with it.  Maybe in her own way, she’s trying to protect jingle.

No I don’t think the sister should dictate who walks jingle down the aisle.  But she is her sister.  Isn’t that what sisters do…speak their mind?  From what jingle said, her sister did say she understood that it’s not her wedding and that the decision wasn’t hers.

Jingle, I feel bad for your mom having to deal with some hard feelings on her daughter’s wedding day.  It sounds like she didn’t asked to be left.  And if your sister chooses not to have your dad meet her daughter, I can see why having him at the wedding makes it a little difficult.  Perhaps if you discuss this with your dad, he will makes some efforts to ease the situation.  (Sure your sister could try to be more forgiving, but it sounds like your dad is the one who messed up.  So IMO, that means he has to do more bending over backwards than the others.)  Maybe he’ll only go to the ceremony, or leave the reception early.  Maybe he can try to call or send a letter to your sister.  It sounds like she doesn’t really want to hear from him.  But maybe if you hand her a letter, she’ll read and not just throw it in the trash.  Maybe he can just mend a fence or two, enough to make the wedding tolerable for everyone.  Has he apologized for his actions?  That could go a long way.  Your mom has a bf now.  I hope that means she’s happy.  So maybe if your dad just said, he’s sorry he was a jerk, and she didn’t deserve what he did.

Ultimately, I think you need to do what feels right for you.  And after you’ve ironed out some of the logistics with you dad, discuss it compassionately with your family.

Good luck.

Post # 16
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Want to know my Honest opnion. It sucks. I know, my parents are divorced too, and my parents are both re-married. Funny story though my dad punched my mom’s now husband in the face and chipped his tooth when my mom and her now husband were dating. There are a lot of people who don’t like my dad, and probably don’t really care to see him ever again, and I’ll admit that sometimes he’s a jacka** but overall he is my father, and in general he’s been a good father. Maybe not a good husband, but a pretty good father. I love my dad, and I want him to walk me down the aisle, and so he will. My brother Kyle, can’t stand our dad, but my brother understands that it’s important to me to have my dad walk me down the aisle, whether he thinks he deserves it or not.

Here what I’m thinking:
One day you are looking back on your wedding, and you start regretting that you did not invite your father, because your sister made you feel like he didn’t deserve to be there, that could end up making you very resentful towards your sister, and I can tell you love and care about your sister, because if you didn’t this probably wouldn’t be bothering you so much. So if I were you, I would invite your dad if you want to, and not let anyone tell you shouldn’t, because if you don’t invite him or let him walk you down the aisle when you wanted him to, you could end up being very angry in the future, and I don’t think you want that. And like the other bee’s were saying She was drinking, and might even be thinking “Damn I shouldn’t have said that.” and even if she is glad she told you, so what. It is your wedding, she doesn’t get to decide this stuff for you. If she hasn’t gotten married yet, she can decide when her time comes, who will walk her down the aisle, and i don’t think she would like it either, if you told her you didn’t want that person to be there.
He’s your dad, and if you love him, and you want him there, then let him be there.
Lots of girls dream of their wedding with their dad walking them down the aisle. If that is your dream, then you should make it happen.

Good Luck with everything!

And sorry if there are any typos in there.

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