(Closed) How do I help him not to be scared? I want a proposal so much!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Honestly, I think you need to be less passive about it. You said repeatedly in your post that you have tried not bringing it up, being quiet, telling him you don’t want to talk about things…

You need to decide how long you are willing to wait, and once you decide for yourself, you need to communicate with him what you are feeling.

It’s not up to you to make him feel less scared or intimidated. Marriage is a big deal for both parties involved, so you shouldn’t have to convince him it’s a good idea.

What if he doesn’t propose for another year? You need to think about whether you would wait forever or whether you would move on.

Post # 5
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think it’s good you are feeling resentful…you should be feeling excited that you are living together now.  Things come one step at a time, not when you are ready.  An engagement is about two people, not one.

I also thought when you told him you didn’t want to talk about it because you didn’t want him to feel pressured – something about this seems very passive aggressive to me.  It seems like maybe you are quiet and don’t want to speak up, but make your feelings known in other ways. 

Last, I wouldn’t be concerned that your name is not on the title to the house.  If i was not married, I wouldn’t put my partner’s name on the title either, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t see a future there.

Good luck to you! 

Post # 6
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well, first off I would definitley slack on doing the “wife” stuff. I know it doesn’t seem like you should, but I have read from so many things.. and heard from men myself… that they respect a woman more when they don’t do all the “taking care of him” stuff.  I think it’s fine when you are married and I know it probably makes you feel happy to do it, but just wait a bit on that. When it comes to his fears, I would try to point out some of his friends marriages. (if any of them are married). I know my SO’s boss/friend told him it would be fine and that there weren’t really any changes especially since we already live together. I think having a guy say something like that to your SO would really help.  Also, I would try to make light of alot of things. Like show him how you guys are still going to be young and go out and have fun. Let him know that you want him to do it when he is ready in a very light hearted sweet kind of way. So the subject won’t seem like it carries such a heaviness, and make him stress even more. Anyways this is just my theory. Good luck to you!

Post # 7
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I don’t believe for one minute that living together pushes back a proposal. If someone wants to marry you, they will put a ring on your finger, no matter the living situation.

And his excuse is a bunch of bs. Really, he thinks he’ll be old once he gets married??? Seriously, tell me the logic that makes that make any sense???

I would tell him that you want to be married by x amount of time, and he should plan the engagment accordingly. This is both of your lives, and even though he tells you he wants to marry you, actions speak louder than words.

Post # 8
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Becca_M: It took mine a year after he started saying that he wanted to marry me to actually propose. His main concern: Sex. Apparently everyone he knows that is married complains about never getting laid anymore, psshh.

Just try to reassure him that things aren’t really going to be any different between you then they are now, but make it clear how important it is that you make things official.

Post # 10
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

WTF? Marriage makes you old?

Tell your husband that my husband and I just quit our jobs to backpack through Asia for 6 months.

Does that sound old to him??

Your life is what you make of it. It isn’t about labels. Your Boyfriend or Best Friend has complete control over his actions, how he lives his life, etc. Letting himself be ruled by a superficial label is pretty ridiculous IMO.

Post # 12
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Look at the quality of YOUR life right now.  You have birthdays, dinners and vacations that leave you disappointed.  You’re feeling insecure.  You are unhappy.  What is he doing to help you through your fears and unhappines?  Relationships are give and take.  It sounds like you’re doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking.  You can’t make him decide anything.  But… you can make decisions for yourself.  Like pp’s stated, stop being passive.  I agree that you shouldn’t talk about marriage 24/7 but it is not fair to you if you cannot talk about it at all.  If you feel moving in with him has been a mistake. Correct your mistake.  Move out!  That doesn’t mean end the relationship.  It is just you taking care of you.  If he wants to marry you he will.  And if he doesn’t he won’t.  You tippytoeing around him will not make one bit of difference! Take care of your needs.  It is not your responsibility to help him to not be scared.  That doesn’t even make sense to me.

Post # 13
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

LOL, you should tell him how old he’ll feel when he wakes up 40 and alone.  I know guys like that, and they feel MUCH older than married guys the same age. 

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