Post # 1
Hello/Salaams and peace to you all.
So my fiances dad suddenly passed away in June this year with a heart attack. This happened a day before our official engagement ceremony. I was there for him and supported him etc and he was surprisingly okay. He says that it may have been because he and his dad were not very close that he was able to deal easier. However his mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few months ago (like 6 months before his dads death) and he, being the youngest and only son was taking care off her. He has 4 older sisters but they all live in different cities. After his dad passed away, his mums cancer just got more and more aggressive and sadly she passed away a few weeks ago. He was extremely attached to her. And she has liked me alot for him also and wanted us to marry more than anything. He was absolutely calm throughout her funeral and burial but a week after, he completely sunk into depression and cannot seem to handle or accept her death. I am trying my best to just be there for him and always let him know that he is not alone etc and he says he knows it but I feel like he is now being cold to me and distant. He is usually alwasy punctual with his prayers but now he says that he hates God and is done with religious sh*t.. He refuses to accept that this is Gods Plan and Will. We had planned on making our Nikkah in March next year and was supposed to stay at his family home, which is now his and also as we both have jobs in the same city. But last week, he broke down to me and said that he just cannot live in this city any more or in the family home (he was living alone since the death of his mum). He quit his job and decided that he will move to the city where one of his elder sisters lives. Says that he will get a new job, get a place for us and then come back to marry me so that we can live together in the new city. I can understand teh reason for him moving is so that he can be able to try and deal better on a mental level, but is it normal for one to lose hope and faith in their Creator due to losing both parents is such a short period? I keep praying for his guidance and for strength for him and for him to find his way back. But im not sure what to do anymore to help as he gets angry when I mention God for now? We have been best friends for years before falling in love etc so I dont want to just give up on him. So sorry for the long post but would really appreciate any advice as I dont want to lose him but all these changes are scaring me.
Post # 2
I can’t speak to the religious aspect of this, because I have no faith – but I am sure there are plenty of bees here that can speak about that.
I did want to say how very sorry I am for your Fiance and for you and it sounds like a really tough time.
Having recently lost my father in law, my advice is to just be there to listen, you don’t need to bring God into it in order to be there for him. Whilst it is something that would clearly help you, it doesn’t seem to be doing much for your Fiance at the moment, let him grieve and heal and he might come back to his faith.
Stay strong, for you and for him.
Post # 3
How terrible for everyone involved! I’m sorry.
It is complete normal. Many people question their faith in times of tragedy. Everyone’s coping mechanisms are different, some just need to feel angry for a bit. Give it time – he has been through more than most in a very condensed time period. Just be there for him and love him. Listen to his queues to figure out what he needs.
Dont worry about his faith. He can give up on God all he wants…..God will never give up on him. He will still be there when he’s ready.
Wishing you the best.
Post # 4
EmmaKat : yes, it’s normal for him to question his religion in times of grief. Let alone the death of both his parents in a very short space of time.
Hearing that it’s God’s Plan is likely not helping, please stop saying it. If he’s as devout as you say, he’s likely wondering why God has punished him like this when he probably feels he has done everything right. You are taught that everything is God’s plan and everything happens for a reason but when you’re in the thick of it, you don’t care what his plan is. You just hate him for doing this to you. Other common thoughts are if God really exists why would he take someone as great as his mum?
He might come back to his faith a long time down the road. However, he might not. So you’ll have to also work out if religion is a deal breaker for you. This isn’t something you can force him into by the way, it’ll take time to sort out his feelings around this.
Stop mentioning God, his plan, his healing. Pray for him if you feel you beeed to but don’t tell him you’re praying for him. Try to support him without using God as a crutch.
Post # 5
loz24 : Thank you for your wise words. It really means alot to me. You are right; he recently always says the God is punishing him even after all he does to please God. Thank you for helping me understand that those are common thoughts. The thing is, he still prays for his parents so there is still hope that one day he will return and has not completely lost it just yet.
Post # 6
sorry for your losses. i lost my grandmother and father within 6 months of each other. i remember feeling numb and going through the motions for everything i had to do close out my dad’s estate. i didn’t greive until a few weeks later.
look into the 5 stages of grief. 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People do not go through all of them or in the same order, but it may help you to understand what he is going through.
Post # 7
Everyone responds so differently to death.
When my mother-in-law passed, my husband prayed more regularly. He has somewhat reverted back to his previous habits, but he still holds a strong belief.
When his uncle passed away, his aunt admitted to us that sometimes the thoughts cross her mind that if she’d only prayed harder, he would still be with her.
If possible, I would recommend speaking with a professional to help deal with the grief and depression.
Wishing you all the best, bee!
Post # 8
EmmaKat : I mean this in the kindest way possible, but stop pushing religion at him. When my brother in law died, most of my husbands family was very angry at God for a long time. While religion may be a solace for you, it is not for him right now. To him, religion and his faith is what caused this tragedy as he feels he’s being “punished”. Comfort him aside from religion, and I know for some people that’s a lot to ask. But cook him meals, do an activity with him that’s his favorite, watch his favorite movie. Just do things that take his mind off of his loss, even for a moment. If you keep pushing this at him, we will likely grow to resent you and your faith.
If his potential loss of his religion is not something you can handle, you may need to reconsider this relationship. He may come back as he works through the stages of grief, but he may not. You can’t force him to pray or celebrate a God that, to him, destroyed his family.
Post # 9
My husband’s father died 5 years ago, and his mother died 1 week after our wedding. All you can do is be there for him. He will go through a range of emotions from anger to sadness to guilt, etc. It is a part of the grieving process.
Post # 10
Grief makes some people’s faith stronger. But I’ve seen the opposite. I have an ex who had been pretty consistent at attending weekly service who stopped abruptly and still hasn’t really returned since losing a parent. I suspect that he probably never will in any meaningful way. You pushing it on him though will likely push him further away from his religion, though.
Post # 11
My fiance went through the same thing last year (lost his father after a long sickness and then his mother 6 months later completely unexpectedly to a heart attack) and it was SUCH a hard time. The only thing you can do is be there for him. Listen, console, that’s it.
I also lost both of my parents (not in the same year) but, before that, I was pretty religious and, afterwards, pretty much gave up on religion. You can’t predict how someone is going to react to things like this so you need to just accept him as he works through this. He may come back around in the future but for now if he is feeling strongly about not wanting to practice his religion, you have to give him the freedom to do so.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un. May their souls rest in peace bee.
We’re all created by Allah and we will return to him eventually. This is an incredibly hard time for your fiance but it’s not appropriate in our belief to rebel against Allah because of loss. It looks like he’s lost, but death is for everyone. We live with this in mind. I’m giving advice in a way that Muslims would relate to because of the category that you posted.
He really shouldn’t be blaming anyone, himself or Allah for his parents’ deaths. We’re here on earth but this is like an exam. A hard one, please be supportive. But if he really strays away from his beliefs completely and does “shirk”, repent would be way harder.
I suggest you guys to go see some knowledgeable relatives, a community, maybe an imam for support. Also, did you guys see a medical doctor, a psychiatrist or a psychologist? Being understanding and supportive is the key. I hope Allah will lead him back to the right path.