(Closed) How do I invite some peoples children but not others?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

a)  The no-kids rule always makes an exception for the bridal party.  The only explanation you should have to give is “The no-kids rule always makes an exception for the bridal party.”

b)  Sounds like a situation I’m running into with my FI’s entire extended family, who come from a Mexican background where there is no defined guest list and all the guests expect to be able to take whomever they want with them.  The standard response is to explain the limitation on your budget, the venue size, etc… but it sounds like you already tried that.  If you really don’t think it’s possible that the couple will come without their kids, then you’ll either have to make another exception for them, or take them off the guest list.

Unfortunately, people who are not immersed in the wonderful world of weddings aren’t always familiar with wedding ettiquette.  They might not realize that they can only bring people specifically listed on the invitation, for example.  Maybe you should talk to your Fiance about whether it’s worth it to have three unwanted kids at the wedding just to have this cousin there.

Post # 4
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I am sort of doing the same thing but have found that I honestly can’t really control it. I plan on addressing certain invites as “Mr. and Mrs. so-and-so” and others as “The So-and-So family”. I do realize that this is very much not proper etiquette but Fiance and I have reasons. Mostly, it’s inviting the kids we have actually met/know and not inviting the ones we haven’t. That being said, I know that even though I’m addressing the invites this way, that doesn’t mean that the RSVP’s won’t include the entire family but I am prepared for that. Since I am the one that is sort of initiating poor etiquette, I understand if it’s returned.

I know that doesn’t really answer your question but I wanted to let you know that if you decide to only invite certain kids, you aren’t alone!

I know that in general etiquette is the right thing to do, but ultimately it’s your wedding and you only get one 🙂

Post # 5
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I am trying to decide what to do about this, too. Let me fill you in on what I have been thinking of doing—you can tell me what you think!

Our ceremony and reception venue is on the top floor of a highrise-we will have the entire floor-but it is in a private club (not a member, just ‘borrowing’ the space Wink)

Basically, what I am trying say is it is NOT a child-friendly space. FI and I decided long ago we did not want children at the wedding. We both work in pediatrics, so it really isn’t a bias towards children so much as a personal decision for the atmosphere we want for the day. We want a sophisticated, adult party so our friends can relax and have a nice “adult” time.

FI’s brother has a young daughter who will be about 3 at the time of the wedding. Aside from her, we will not be having other children at the wedding. I will attempt to convey this message by being courteous first: Only listing the adult parents on the invites. If guests choose to write in additionals, which include children, I plan to phone them personally and explain that the guest list is tight, the venue does not allow children, and that if needed, I will provide childcare for guests children at the connecting hotel. I plan to politely ask them to let me know the week before if their child will be needing the sitter or if they instead plan to find their own.  I am guessing most parents won’t like leaving their children with an unknown sitter, but I am hoping it will be a more polite (albeit passive aggressive) way of putting my foot down and yet still giving my guests options. I am hoping this truly is a compromise for all parties involved.

What does everyone think? Is this fair? Would you leave your own children with a ‘provided sitter’?

Post # 6
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think the ‘provided sitter’ is an excellent way to allow parents of young children to come to an adults-only reception.  Even better if it’s on-site or just a block away, so they can duck out for a few minutes to check on their kids if necessary.  I don’t have kids, but in such a situation I would probably talk to the bride/groom about how well they know the sitter, and I would feel better knowing it’s someone who works in child care or something, rather than just a random teenager.  Not to mention, I would feel a whole lot better if my kids were just a block away versus the other end of town.

Post # 8
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Oh Princess Steph! Don’t cry or let someone ruin your day! My Future Mother-In-Law tells me “Miss Iowa, this is YOUR year. You get to be a princess for one year. Don’t let anybody ruin a SINGLE minute of it!”

And you know what. She’s right.

And ever since she told me that, I have made it my mantra–it really helps. I will post the story of WHY she had to tell me that some other time.

I say do whatever causes YOU the least stress. Pose the ideas to Fiance, put them out there for this woman and her family. If they bite and it works-great. If not, invite them and their kids and extend the ‘sitter’ invite to everyone else.  If someone mentions later (which they won’t) why their kids didn’t get to come when others did, you can politely mention it was a surprise to you too!

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